Oops - missed the edit window - I meant Alfie Kohn, and this article.
(You should read another article in which he TRASHES the “SuperNanny” of tv fame). 
I’m a super-confident, super-secure guy. I know exactly how my parents gave my siblings and me that trait. As my mother says “Your father and I raised you to be an adult.” It’s totally true too. I believe it’s based in an ability to see the future and the results of your actions. Kids have a hard time doing that. When I woud face a decision, my parents led me through thought exercises to get me to analyze the results. My father would always say “And what do you think is going to happen once you do that?” They made me spend my own money on things so I knew how to handle it. They let me study on my own and stay up late whenever I wanted. I hardly had to ask for permission to do things. When I failed a test or was exhausted the next day, they’d explain that I should have expected it from my actions.
The increased independence forced me to think about my actions and the consequences. That forethought led me to a realistic view of the world. Now I’m confident because I know that I can never, say, screw up a speech so badly that I get stoned by the class, or be ostracised for wearing an uncool sweater. I’m secure because I know exactly what I can (be funny) and can not (dance) do. Because I can predict others’ reactions, I am better in social situations. I wonder if this ties in with the delayed gratification that’s mentioned in the linked article. Perhaps foresight allows one to see the reward on the horizon, and therefore remain secure?
In my view, insecurities and lack of confidence are irrational thoughts. To be raised to think ahead is to think more rationally. So my answer is to treat your kids like adults. Give them the respect you give adults and give them as much freedom and control as possible. Teach them to think about their actions and you’ll find them making good decisions.
Thank you IntelSoldier!
Um…you’re welcome!
Don’t get really hung up on it.
The article linked to, while helpful, is a bit pompous and extreme. Effort-oriented praise is great, but if the worst you do is say “Good job” or “You’re smart!” your kid will be fine. Criticizing the specific wording of praise comments is REALLY splitting hairs. Those aren’t the things that will really harm your child; what hurts kids is being demeaned, lied to, screamed at, mistreated, ignored, never punished when they do bad things, inconsistently disciplined by each parent, etc. etc.
Good job! I know you can do it - you’re so smart!
D’oh! :smack:
I have not read through all posts, but totally agree with systematically increasing the level of responsibilities for kids. A lot of parents are unnecessarily sheltering kids by not letting them make decisions, learn from mistakes, or accept responsibility for their actions. You need to continually widen the sphere of trust as the kids mature.
Some simple things come to mind: Have her order her own meals in restaurants and even fast food joints for example. My 10 year old daughter still remembers the time I made her apologize (as a three or four year old) to the dairy manager at the grocery store when she dropped a dozen eggs and broke them. It wasn’t a big deal, but it was the kind of lesson that taught her the importance of owning up to her mistakes, taking responsibility for her actions, and apologizing to anyone she might have offended. We still very much follow-through with this philosophy today.
Once my daughter inadvertently dialed 911 from the grocery store pay phone; she was probably 5 at the time. I knew the cops would be coming, and I waited and insisted that she talk to the policeman about why she did it. She’ll never do THAT again.
Make kids aware that their actions affect others, and have them interact with as many people, at all levels of society, as soon as possible. And most importantly have them apologize face-to-face to anyone who they may have offended,
I’d like to add that when one of the kids at work (daycare) does something wrong and is upset at his punishment, I use the “hockey analogy”. I say that when a hockey player gets a penalty, he doesn’t argue. He just does his timeout and gets back on the ice to play again. I never yell at them (it’s against our rules anyway) but instead often use the phrases “What should you do now?”, “You need to fix your mistake.” and “What happens when we break a rule? Timeout, right? So this is fair, right?” As they’re aplogizing to their friend, cleaning up their spilled milk, or giving back the toy they took, I always follow it up with “This is what men/ladies (or big boys/girls) do.”
ETA: I don’t know if this actually creates secure adults, but I hope/think it does.
Let your kid find her own voice. I have a friend who’s a jock. He lives and breathes all things sports.
His son, however, is a singer, dancer, painter kind of guy. The father is so worried that the kid might “become g-g-g-gay!” that he over-sells all the sports crap and fails to notice that the kid is happy in his own skin and talented!
Tell your child that your wish is that she grow up happy, self-sufficient, and kind. It’s much easier to try different things when you aren’t knowingly disappointing a parent that has a rigid picture of what their child will grow up to be.
Some random thoughts off the top of my head.
#1 I agree with high self esteem is vital, but self earned high self esteem is worth way more than any praise you can give.
Example, when my son was learning to read, he thought Garfield was the funniest comic strip in the world. He wanted me to read him Garfield every night (I took time every night to read to my kids, I also urge you to do the same) Anyway as time went on, he got to where he could recognize and say the simpler words.
One day he came to me and asked me to read to him. I was cooking dinner, so I told him to go and try to read it himself, and if he got stuck to bring me the word.
Off he went into the living room. Every thirty seconds or so I would hear a word pronounced. After several minutes he came in and said it was hard and he did not know the next word. I told him the next word and suggested he go back and give it another try. After maybe 4 minutes I heard gales of laughter as he got the punch line. I asked him if the strip was funny and could he come and read it to me. He came in beaming, as he read me the strip, he had just figured out, all by himself.
You have to give your kids a chance to fail, success is that much sweeter then. He had a chance to fail, but he worked though it, and succeeded.
#2 Praise in public, kick ass in private.
#2A don’t over punish, kids screw up deal with it.
When he was 16 I provided my son with a car. He was responsible to take his sister to school on his way to his school. One day he was impatient, didn’t look, and pulled out in and hit another car. About $2500 damage.
When I got home, I saw the damage. I had to take my daughter to her fencing class, so I grabbed my son and said let’s go get a cup of coffee. We dropped daughter off and headed to Starbucks. Got our lattes and sat down. So tell me what happened. He looked like the world had ended. In a real small voice he said I didn’t look. I nodded my head, and said are you going to look next time? He said yes, again in a real small voice. I then said well I guess we are done here, and tired to change the subject. He said aren’t you going to punish me? I asked him what I could do that would make him feel worse then he already felt. He gave me that 
huh? look, and I said, look there is nothing I can do that would make you feel any worse than you feel right now. Sheet metal can be fixed. The important is that you didn’t run over any little kids. Then I smiled and said, of course if you make this a habit, I might not be so understanding next time. That was 11 years ago, and there has not yet been a next time.
#3 Talk to your kids. Listen to what they have to say.
The way I see it is it was my job to raise a functional adult. I tried to instill in my kids the skills they would need in day to day life as adults. As a result, I never treated my kids like the world revolves around them. It doesn’t. I set limits, but gave them freedom up to those limits. I would revisit those limits as time went on. When we first got a computer and the 'net, I had my daughter’s account locked down pretty tight with parental controls. At about 14 my daughter asked for greater access. We talked about it, and I bumped her to full access. I never had to go revisit that again.
I’m glad I started this thread. Thanks to everyone who replied - you’ve given me a lot to think about and put into practice.
What everybody said, just want to add a detail:
evaluate her against what’s normal for her age, against what she’s doing… not against what Some Great Eye In The Sky says she oughta be doing, or against what you think you were doing at her age.
The Nephew is 2yo; his idea of “painting” consists of playing with the colored pencils for a while, fascinated by how for example a green is similar to other greens but also about as dark as one of the blues (ok, so I may be projecting, but he keeps ordering them by “color family” and then by darkness), then grabbing the piece of paper I gave him and doodling some lines on it with different colors. When he tries to do this in front of his mother, she captures the pencils from him to draw figures he’s supposed to fill… makes me wonder how shitty her childhood was (her parents aren’t the kind to encourage creativity, that’s for sure). She expects everything to be completely structured.
Anybody wonder why he barges in asking for “de colo’s!” when I babysit him?
Criticize actions, not people. “You did an incredibly stupid thing” is worlds away from “I can’t believe how incredibly stupid you were (or even worse, are)!” Even the smartest person on the planet will admit to doing stupid things.
Pick your battles wisely. Don’t go off over spilt milk or messy rooms, go off over drinking drunk or messy homework.