I want to be sure that I do alL I can to help my daughter (now just over 2 years old) go through life with confidence and a strong self-image.
At the age of 37 I still struggle with my almost crippling insecurities - how do I avoid passing these on to her?
I’m curious to know what conscious steps Dopers have taken to assist their children in developing into happy, healthy, confident kids / teenagers / adults.
Thank you!
I think it will depend a lot on the personality of each kid. Looking forward to hearing others’ opinions too.
Beats me, but our 2-year-old has the heart of a lion.
I’m not sure if we had anything to do with it. I don’t really know where to start as to what we’ve been doing right or wrong.
I will suggest you do this, though:
Ask yourself what your parents did that you feel contributed to your insecurities. I’m actually a pretty confident guy, but like all humans I do feel insecure about some things, and while my parents were generaly great parents, they yelled at me almost constantly (and still yell at each other.) It didn’t help me and so I concluded it would not help my daughter. So, I do not yell at my kid.
Make a list of the things your parents did to make you insecure.
Now look at your list and make sure you’re not just whining. Narrow it down to the things they really, honestly did that made you feel insecure.
Don’t do those things to your kid.
One of the quickest, easiest, most foolproof things you can do is tell her, “Good job!” Whatever she does, whether it’s scribbling pictures with crayons or helping to tidy up, keep that approval coming. The biggest thing that cripples children emotionally is feeling a lack of parental approval–“I never felt like my parents really approved of me”, “I never felt like I could ever please my parents”. Tell her, lots, that she pleases you.
Now, that doesn’t mean you bathe her in non-stop positivity-ness 24/7/365; it doesn’t mean you never express disapproval. When she steals candy from Wal-Mart, or flunks a class, or comes home puking drunk, you don’t tell her, “I’m proud of you!” Because that would be silly. You can put supportive spin control on the Bad Stuff (“you flunked math; we love you anyway”, not “you flunked math, what’s the matter with you, you stupid!”), but you don’t gloss over that it’s Bad Stuff.
But when she does something right, or does something well, or when she tries really hard, congratulate her. “Good job!” “That looks nice!” “Good for you!” “You did it!”
Then, with you at her back, with that solid wall of parental support backing her up, she feels like she can do anything.
And you start building that wall of support at, yeah, age 2. Tomorrow morning, thank her for helping you to pick up her toys; ask her to do something for you, like bring you a box of kleenex and then thank her for doing that; give her a coloring book page to color and then compliment her on how well she colored. Just keep doing that, and by age 16 she’ll have enough self-respect–because people she respects, respect her, and therefore prove to her that she’s worthy of respect–anyway, she’ll have enough self-respect that she’ll be able to say “No” to that importunate young man in the back seat of his car and she’ll be less likely to end up preg at 17.
But you had to have started at age 2. It’s too late to teach her to value herself at age 16. You teach her to value herself from the beginning, because you value her, and you demonstrate it every day by being vocal in your appreciation. Over time the message sinks in.
**RickJay ** is wise. My mom was a screamer, and a belittler, and I’m very conscious of not doing that to my daughter.
Other than that, the best advice I can offer is to praise lavishly but honestly, criticize constructively, and don’t try to live through your kids. They’re not only not going to be good at (or interested in) everything, there’s an excellent chance they won’t be good at (or interested in) the things you’re good at, or that you want them to be good at (or interested in). They’re separate people, with their own interests, talents, and goals. Accept, support, and nurture the hell out of them.
Oh, and kick their asses when they need it, because you’re not doing them any favors by refraining. Part of building self-esteem is reinforcing that esteem comes from esteemable acts and behavior. Self-esteem is NOT about feeling good about yourself when you’re being bad.
My daughter is sixteen now, and doesn’t seem to have more than the garden variety of neuroses, so take my advice for what it’s worth. 
Good luck!
I wanted to add, give your child opportunities to excel. When she’s two, you ask her to bring you a box of kleenex. When she’s 12, you encourage her to try out for Show Choir. And even if she doesn’t make it, still the act of trying out will bolster her self-esteem if you reinforce it–“Well, at least you had the guts to try out. Not everybody can do that, yanno…” I told my daughter, at this point, “Quite honestly, you could not have PAID me to do something like that, so good on yer for trying…” And that made her feel good, and brave. “Mom wouldn’t have been able to do it, but I did it…”
And you look for openings that exploit her strengths and interests. If she likes to sing, you look around for some kind of singing group to join. If she likes to draw or paint or sculpt–even if she doesn’t evince any kind of talent for it–you sign her up for art classes.
But note, you don’t peg your valuation of her to how well she does any of these things. It’s not about whether she does them well, it’s about whether she does them at all. She will feel a sense of satisfaction at having completed a piece of ceramics or a drawing that would make a serious Art Lover run screaming for the hills, but the important thing is, she did it. And of course you will admire it, politely. You don’t have to gush, just a pleasant “Very nice…” is more than adequate to boost her self-esteem.
Sports are good, too, and things like ballet and jazz dance. But only if you as the parent understand that it’s not about performance–win or lose, you MUST be proud of her, and you must tell her so.
Another thing that boosts self-esteem is to allow her to choose her own clothing, hairstyle, shoes, etc. (this works for boys, too–sort of 
), and then occasionally–just occasionally–mention how nice she looks.
And if she ever asks you, “Mommy, am I pretty?” for heaven’s sake, tell her “Yes”. This is not a moment for blunt honesty. Lie.
And that's a good teachable moment, assuming she's not adopted, to show her how she looks like you and her daddy, because she thinks **you** are pretty (and she thinks her Daddy is the handsomest man in the world), and thus, logically, if you and Daddy are pretty, and she looks like you, then **she** is pretty.I think one of the ways is to help them learn how to make their own choices. Being able to reason out problems and find ways to solve them creates an “I can do it” mantra which will serve them well in life. They become secure because they know they can navigate the bumps and bruises along the way.
I wholly agree with what’s been said so far, the positive encouragement, never belittling, patiently explaining why something needs to be done a certain way instead of just reprimanding, being cognizant of what you parents did that worked and, as mentioned, what didn’t.
I’d also like to add it’s just spending time with them, being there when they need you… which will be often! It’s pulling them up into your lap to answer their questions when you’d like to be watching the news. It’s sitting on their bed in the morning and waking them gently, asking what they dreamt about and what they’d like for breakfast instead of just shaking their leg and telling them to get ready for the bus. It’s lying in bed with them at night reading a story and talking about what it means, what the moral is, which character they’d be and how they would have acted. It’s going to ballet, softball, soccer, tennis and horseback riding without complaining about schedulaing, traffic or whatever. It’s sharing your time, your questions, your thoughts, your dreams and your wisdom. It’s looking them in the eyes and telling them without a word being said that you love them more than life itself.
Allow your child to do as many things for themselvs as possible, safety and practicality permitting. Don’t do their homework and projects for them–help if needed, but make them come up with the idea and plan the execution, with you checking behind them. If your kid as a teen needs a doctor’s appointment, she should be able to call and make the appointment. If they want to take the driver’s test, make them do the research to find out who to take the test, and what it will cost, what they have to do to pass, etc. Teach them to handle money and make financial decisions on their own.
My parents kind of stifled me as a kid. I wasn’t allowed a lot of freedoms kids my age took for granted (like playing at the neighbor’s house, or going to dances as a teen.) Allow your kids as many freedoms and responsibilities as are age appropriate and safe.
Always, talk to them when they have a decision to make, and help them see the pros and cons of each decision. Then let them make the decision for themselves if it is one that won’t cause a major disaster if they choose poorly.
In other words, allow them as much responsibility and freedom as they can handle at their maturity level. My parents didn’t do this, so I wasn’t really prepared for a lot of situations that came at me as an adult. I handled them fairly well, but the handling of them was very stressful for me, as I wasn’t used to making those decisions for myself.
One thing that I think is important, at least for me, is having a rock solid family life. I don’t know if it’s too much to ask of you, but at least putting forth the illusion of being self-confident yourself will allow that to rub off on her. The more she believes she has a rock-solid family to fall back on, the more she will be willing to try on her own.
Do not call your children names, or tell them that they are weird (unless they display psychopathic behaviour).
Quoted for emphasis.
The single most important and simple thing you can do to bring up your children to be more confident and secure is to** read the article at that link**!
Seriously. **Maastricht **posted it several months ago, and it’s completely changed how I relate to my daughter and the toddlers and preschoolers in my care, and it’s all for the better. They’re willing to try new things now, instead of asking me for help at the slightest sign of trouble. They help each other, instead of always looking to me.
About two weeks ago, my daughter came up with a disturbing case of the "I can’t"s. Remembering Maastricht’s article, and consulting with my mother (a great teacher, if mediocre parent), I reply, “Well, let’s see which part you *can *do, and I’ll help with the rest,” instead of “Of course you can do it!” or “Don’t be silly, you did it yesterday!” And wouldn’tcha know it - knowing that she’s going to be praised for effort, not just success and most importantly, not for innate ability, makes her eager to take on the challenge, and often she’s surprised to find that she *can *do the whole thing herself.
I haven’t heard “I can’t” in about a week. Instead I now hear, “Mama, I do this, then help?” So much more pleasant!
chocolatefrog, I call my kids “weird” or “goofy” all the time - but in our house, that’s not a bad thing! They call me weird or goofy when I’m being weird or goofy, too. I do agree that calling them names or giving them labels is dangerous. Often, a phrase like, “You’re a slob!” sticks with a person’s psyche and they live down to that identity. As we recently discussed in another thread, “You look like a slob,” is a different thing, though. It’s inherently noting that you are not, in fact, a slob, but that your current state of dress or hygiene is the problem - not YOU, but the chocolate on your face. That’s much more fixable.
Someone once told me that “An Independant child is one that knows their parents love them and are there to support them always; so they don’t have to keep checking - as opposed to someone that doesn’t “need anyone”.”
I try to keep that in mind and allow my child to try new things, encourage her but always be a soft place to fall if things go badly.
Martial arts training.
Don’t stifle them with your own insecurities. Just because your life is a total failure of Things That Didn’t Work Out or Didn’t Lead On To Bigger And Better Things, does not mean your child is destined for a life time of mediocrity. and yet, here I am.
Athletics
Our belief is that if you want to do something we will sign you up for it and drive you to it, even help coach if it is needed…*but you will not quit * until the X is over. If the check has cleared, you are in for the long haul, bub.
And now that Mommy ( me) is deeply involved with the Mom’s of various sports, you ain’t never quitting the sport because I have friends that I like and like their kids. So there.
I give them a choice, make them stick to it and then I repress them for my own fiendish selfish ways.
Academics.
The answers just don’t magically appear at the end of your pencil for your test. You have to study. and we will help you study if you need it or if you ask. If you get an A or 100%, you can do X. If your grade is less than a B, you are not getting on the train to FUN TOWN any time soon. FunTown is, but not limited too, TV, Video games, friends over, going to friends, socializing of any kind, farting around in a manner which your parental units deem NOT GEARED TOWARDS ACADEMIC ENRICHMENT TO YOU GRADUATING WITH HONORS AND GETTING SCHOLARSHIPS, GOING ON TO AN EXCELLENT SCHOOL AND GETTING INTO A NON-AUTOMOTIVE RELATED FIELD THAT PAYS YOU GOBS AND GOBS OF MONEY SO YOU CAN SUPPORT US IN OUR FEEBLE OLD AGE.
Parents don’t intentionally pass on their insecurities to their children because they are too busy dealing with their one parental units insecurities at the same time. It is all handed down baggage. And, despite your own best efforts, kids will all have their own baggage as well. Some real, some not. Deal with it and move on.
Combine that with the praise mentioned by others for doing things well or trying hard, and you’ll have your kid believing that they can do anything, and having well-developed risk/reward knowledge as well.
That’s the way my folks did it, anyway!
Thanks all - it sounds like we’re on the right track as parents, so far at least.
The part I find the most challenging is praising the effort, not the results. (“good job” is just TOO easy to say) - I try to be specific in my comments but I have to admit I don’t always succeed. Plus it’s hard to get buy-in from the daycare & family members.
We will definitely work more on the problem solving aspect of life - thank you!
I grew up believing that it was important to be perfect, “the best”. So I decided mistakes were unforgivable, and I figured out that the best way to avoid mistakes was to ONLY do things at which I excelled. My parents enabled me big-time with that, probably with the mistaken belief that if they forced me to do something I wasn’t good at, it would diminish my self confidence even further. So it became a vicious cycle, since it’s almost impossible to become good at something unless you feel free to practice & make mistakes first!
For example, I wouldn’t practice the piano, even though I loved playing, and enjoyed my lessons, because I couldn’t stand the thought of people hearing me make mistakes - ESPECIALLY my family. That is a f*cked up way to grow up and I just want my daughter to feel free to make mistakes, to learn, to explore, to try new things, to experience life instead of being scared of screwing up all the time.
Oh, you can still say “good job!”. But try, “Good job - you really worked hard at that!” or “Good job - that looked tough, but you figured it out!” instead of “Good job - you’re so smart!” Make it praise because of what the kid DOES, not because of what he IS (smart, funny, cute, etc.)
It’s the flip side of the “slob” thing. If you say “Good job - you’re so smart!” then you’ve taught the kid that he achieves things because he’s smart. So when he doesn’t achieve something, he must be not-smart, right? And you can’t change not-smart, so that means you can never do the thing, give up now. Better (I now think) to teach that he succeeded because he tried, and when he doesn’t succeed, it’s possible to try again, or try something different - basically, that he can change what he’s doing. Changing what you do is much easier than changing who you are.
Thank you WhyNot … I will try to commit those phrases to memory.
(I am completely guilty of telling her how smart / cute / wonderful / funny / amazing she is - but I will try to balance that out by focusing more on her actions than her incredible-ness). 
Our daycare just says “good job” for EVERYTHING. I will have to print off the article linked to above, and give it to their staff to read. They are pretty progressive, hopefully they will take something from it.
I have also heard of Alfie Kauffman (sp?) who is a leader of the backlash against the generic “good job”. Keep meaning to read his stuff but with a 2 year old, it’s tough to find time to even tie my shoes somedays!