You do realize that your choice of terms is going to shape your responses, right? Calling spending time apart “independent” and implying that spending time together is dependent clearly shows your bias, as does “do you do your own thing, or do you have a ball and chain?”. Sheesh. You don’t really expect that sort of OP to generate anything other than folks who agree with you, do you?
IMHO, if people are happy being apart a great deal of the time, great for them. If people enjoy being together as often as possible, great for them. Couples are different, and that’s fine. To imply otherwise is pretty silly.
a) Quite to the contrary! The majority of responses are saying they can do both!
b) Being dependent does not have to equate to spending time together. It is more like one spouse is perhaps a bit too dependent on the other - hence the ball and chain.
c) Did I strike a nerve?
I may not be the target audience for this, since I’ve only been married for about two weeks. But, here’s my double-copper:
We like spending time together (naturally) and it feels strange to spend too much time away from each other. When I had to go to Austin for a week for work-related education, she got very lonely at home without me. I wasn’t too crazy about it either. So, I’d say that at present, taking separate vacations is not gonna happen.
On the other hand, she goes out to her friends’ house (another married couple and their kids) once a week to hang out, watch rasslin’, and drink margaritas. Since I’m not too fond of either of those things, I abstain. She has her fun and socializing, and I usually rent the kind of movies that she hates watching and spend the evening in.
So, that’s about where I stand. We spend time apart, and have individual activities, but separate vacations? Nah.
Personally, I find the “B&C” terminology close to offensive, and the use of “independent/dependent” in the OP to be disingenuous. Nevertheless…
I married this woman 6&1/2 yrs. ago precisely because I enjoyed spending time with her so much. I determined to make it the status quo. The advent of kids has not affected that.
FWIW, we spent most of the past year with me working 2nd shift while she worked 1st. I came home from work at 11pm, climbed into bed & kissed her goodnight, then she got up at 6am, kissed me goodbye & left for work. She worked bankers’ hours & I was in retail, so we never had weekends together. So no-one was more thankful to God than the 2 of us when I finally got a M-F full-time job last month.
I just can’t relate to people who get married and then seem to cherish time apart.
Nor do I understand the notion of being referred to as “a bit too dependent”. Our deep desire to be physically near each other should in no way imply that one of us “ceases to function” when the other’s not around. We both were comfortably, if not happily single when we met. And neither of us would have found desirability in a person who couldn’t freely stand on his/her own two feet. The only observable change in me that happens when she has to go away on business is I find it more difficult to fall asleep when I’m alone in bed.
Other things - she does start to worry if I say I’m on my way home and I’m still not there an hour & a half later. Does that make her a “ball and chain”? I’m the same way about her - does that mean I’m “P*-whipped”?
I dunno - could be I’m misunderstanding the thrust/intent of the OP. Some further clarification perhaps?
[QUOTE=TygrI dunno - could be I’m misunderstanding the thrust/intent of the OP. Some further clarification perhaps?[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I think maybe you’re taking it a tad too seriously. The OP asked a question out of curiosity - she did not say “hey, do you beat your spouse or do you go fishing alone?”
I’ve been married 15 and a half years. The WryGuy has had to travel for work in the past, and he’s gone to one of his childhood pals’ wedding in Oregon and taken a couple trips to DC to the Smithsonian and such with his brother. Plus he’s an RC flyer, so he heads out to the field to fly and hang with his buds on a regular basis. Me, I’m a Rennie, so the Terrible Teen and I are usually in Wisconsin at least one day of each summer weekend. I’ve also gone to Seattle and Tennessee on art retreats, and to a wedding in Minnesota (one of my childhood friends) and once in a blue moon I’ll take a weekend and go stay with my Mom or my godmother to have “girlie time.” To make a long story short - he and I very much enjoy our together time, but we have several different interests we’re each free to pursue on our own. I stay out of his basement workroom, he stays out of my in-house studio. All that said, we do tend to keep rather close track of one another - in nearly 17 years together I don’t think there has been one single instance where one of us didn’t know where the other was.
I suppose there are two answers to this question. In the financial sense she is not independent at all, as she is at home with the kids, and my salary pays the bills. But the answer you’re looking for, I think, is that she is much more independent than I am. We both take nights out with friends etc., but she needs that time (this was true before the kids came along), while I really don’t. She is really happy this year as our daughter started preschool and she has two mornings a week where there is no one else in the house. This disparity has led to some friction between us because she thinks I smother her at times, when I think I’m just trying to “be together”.
But she has taken trips without me, before and after the kids were born, I’ve traveled as well, for work, but not in a long time. But we work together because that’s what we think being married is about, and it’s an ongoing task. I have to check myself and give her space and time to herself.
We seem to have a pretty good relationship. We do like spending time together–at home, or out somewhere–but since my wife has a busy business travel schedule, it’s not always possible. But that makes the time we do have together all the much nicer.
Still, she realizes that since I work out of our home, I don’t get out nearly as much as she does. So if I’ve been at my desk for days, trying to meet a deadline, she will often encourage me to get out and do something I like when the deadline has been met–play golf or bet on horse races or just watch a game on TV at a sports bar. None of those activities really appeal to her, but she has no problem pointing me in that direction if she feels I’d like to get out for a bit. Besides, those times allow her to pursue some activities that she likes, without having me underfoot.
[quote]
Originally posted by Jinx Would you believe he took the kids to Disney World as she stayed home to do her own thing?
I would pay good money not to have take the kids to Disney World. I can imagine few more miserable vacations. (For me. If you dig the House of Mouse, more power to you.)
Left Hand of Dorkness and I regularly spend evenings away from each, and we’ll take weekend trips on our own. Much as I love spending time with him, I also need time on my own and time with other friends. I can’t imagine spending a more lengthy vacation apart, though. We don’t have a lot of vacation time or funds, so I’d hate for us to spend what little of those we do have apart.
S/Os for 23 years, exclusive for all but 1.5 of them (hint–I’m not the cheater)
Married for the past 12 of them this coming December.
At this point, “Ball & Chain,” “Boss,” “Kitchen Pass,” and all manner of idiom suggesting an abusive dominance over the husband by The Wife (Lyle Lovett’s She’s No Lady, anyone?) are taken and given with a grain of salt. We can both laugh at ourselves, but come to think of it, it’s easier if we laugh at me.
As for the OP. Proud owner of a ball & chain here. We’ve developed a lot as people since we were 15, but the dysfunction which was present in the beginning molded our behaviors toward one another, and the behavior remains similar despite much healthier minds now.
I still represent stability for my Wife. Always have done so and have had the strength of character (alternatively: inertia, gelatinous spine, dull-wit) to be there when she needed me…irrespective of how that need would arise and the abuse it would cost me at her hand. I get a day off about once, maybe twice a year, but unless called away for a week or two for work (happens once every 3 or 4 years) we always say goodnight to one another. I say this is because we have little kids and a seperate every day job-share commitment which makes an absence extremely difficult to manage. But that’s a load of crap–we can always find a substitute for a few days and we had the same arrangement before the little monsters came along.
I push for her to get out of town & play with her friends. She never does. Sure, we’re majorly codependent, to the point of losing our individuality. But it works for us. The antidepressants help–when she takes hers, I don’t need mine. Riddle me that one
