How long do you maintain friendships for?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This topic is based on a debate one of my coworkers and I had - is it better to have a lot of superficial friends in close proximity who provide an active social life or a number of life long BFFL friends you see one every few months or years?
Why do people feel a need to maintain high school or college friendships for years even after they probably should have faded into irrelevancy? Why do we have x year reunions or go back for the annual College Big Game[sup]TM[/sup] to see people we haven’t seen in x years and who really have little or nothing to do with our lives now?

It’s nice hearing from people you haven’t seen in 5 years, but once you get past the “what have you been up to” conversation, it’s like "okay…see you in another 5.

Is it weird to maintain those friendships for so long? When I meet someone who is in their 20s or 30s and still keeps in close contact with their high school friends, I always think “how did your life not change so dramatically in 10 years?” No moves? No ‘wow it’s been wierd since we’ve been back from college’? No ‘So and so sure changed since he started that new job’?

I kind of see the same thing in the consulting firms where I work. The 20-something kids get into a “freshman hall” kind of mode where they want to do EVERYTHING together - eat together, drink and party together. They even try to keep in touch after people move on (at least until they figure out the only thing they had in common was work).

My friend was in a shore house and half the house had been friends since SUMMER CAMP! I kept in touch with my summer camp friends for 18 months through letters when I was eight and now I couldn’t tell you a single person’s name.

So is my “out of sight, out of mind” attitude strange? Do things like cheap cell phones, IM and email allow us to maintain more relationships superficially even though there sometimes isn’t a point in doing so? Or am I just really bad at correspondance?

2

I think that it’s important that people be willing to let relationships die when they are no longer relevant; I know people that seem to hang on to old friendships out of sheer principle, and the opportunity cost of that is that there really isn’t room for anything new in your life–our time, after all, is finite.

That said, I am still very close to my three closest friends from middle school (I am almost 30). However, those friendships don’t seem irrelevant–they are all still people I find interesting and admirable and whose insights and conversation I enjoy. They live 12 hours away from me, but I make a point to visit at least once a year, not out of a sense of obligation but because I enjoy the visit.

On the other hand, as a teacher, I have a lot of close, short relationships (though “friendships” isn’t the right word) with my students: With many of them, for a couple years I know their hopes and dreams and fears, I talk to them every day, I worry about them, nag them, celebrate with them, and then they outgrow me and go away. There may be some contact but the relationship is essentially over. I don’t think those relationships are any less real or profound or signifigant because of their inherently ephemeral nature.

3

I agree that some people hang on to “friendships” as if out of desperation of obligation, well after they’ve run their course. Of course a lot of people have a high tollerance for casual friendships that don’t get much deeper than sharing drinks and topical conversation while watching a game in a sports bar.

I have a friend who I’ve known since grade 5. We live 12 hours apart and manage to see one another about once a year or so. But when we do, we pick right up where we left off. He’s alwasy there for me at the ring of a phone or email. When I was moving out because my marriage ended, he was here to help me move my stuff. No questions asked. No hesitation. I’m pretty sure he’s help hide a body if I asked. No questions asked. :wink:

I have another friend who I’ve know for 20 years. We are just as far apart but keep in touch regularly and he’s never failed to be a friend through thick and thin. We’ve both grown and changed but never drifted apart.

Of course, there are far more people whom I’ve outgrown or simply grown apart from. No regrets. I don’t like to maintain friendships simply out of nostalgia.

As to the OP and why people maintain friendships that have clearly run their course… I can only speculate but I suspect it’s an esteem issue. Too much tied up emotionally in what everyone else thinks of them. Also (but not always) a certain level of immaturity, boredom and need for variety. But that’s just my impression.

4

It almost seems like trying too hard to hold on to a period in your life when you “peaked” for lack of a better term. Like old high school football buddies who all live near each other in the same home town and spend the rest of their lives reminiscing about their glory days.

5

I’m 39 and still keep in touch with some friends from college but it’s very infrequent. Every six months or so, someone will send out a blast email to all of us, we’ll have a flurry of responses for a while, and then it will die down.

The reasons for the email chains vary. Sometimes our alma mater is in a big game and we want to chat with other alums about it (sometimes you just want to kvetch about that bad call with other alums and not the local people who don’t share your sense of outrage). Other times someone is moving and wants to know if we have any leads on jobs/potential new friends/housing/etc. We get a lot of emails about life changing events (new job, big move, kids, marriages, divorces, etc.) I’m not sure why we feel the need to let the old college gang know about those. There’s some odd sense of continuity in letting the people who knew you when you were young know about what’s going on now (we’re all in our late 30’s/early 40’s). The saddest emails are those from folks going through a divorce or a big move, have lost their local social network, and are reaching out to old college buddies since they’re lonely.

There’s one couple who happen to live near me (I’m in Maryland; we’re originally from the midwest). I looked them up when I moved here and didn’t know many people, but we sort of drifted apart after I started making other friends here. There was no big reason for drifting apart other than we’re just very different now. We still call each other once a year or so (and we’re all on those email chains), but nothing ever comes of it. I’m not sure why we still call. Maybe just an attempt to keep the friendship option there in case we need more of it sometime.

6

Do you have to only have one variety of friend? I have both kinds of friends – the nowaday friends whom I go to movies with and socialize with now, and also older friends whom I see less often but still stay in touch with.

I’ve had one friend for over 40 years – we met in kindergarten and were close, walking-to-school-together, seeing-each-other-every-day, friends until we started high school and my family moved away. We kept in touch through letters and occasional visits through high school and my years in the Navy and after my kids were born. After a while, my family (new family, I mean – me, husband and kids) moved back to San Diego and Mo and I saw each other regularly during the 9 years we were in the same area code. Now, I’m back on the east coast and we stay in touch via email, phone calls, and occasional visits. I don’t see this as pathetic or strange – we’re friends, lifelong friends.

7

I grew up 6 houses down from my best friend. I’m about 8 months older than him and have known him his entire life. He went to a private gradeschool, and I went to a public one. He went to a public high school and I went to a private one. I moved 300 miles away in for college, but he stayed here in town. We kept in touch. We now live about 3 blocks away in the same city. I was the best man in his wedding. I was one of the first to stop by and see his new baby girl.

I don’t consider it anywhere close to a superficial friendship that has run its course and we’re just maintaining it to maintain it for no reason. We’ve been through so much together I think we relate to each other better than most brothers do. We’re both busy and won’t see each other for 4 or 5 months at a time, but when we do we never run out of things to say or keep up on. It’s always good to see him.

I’ve known my girlfriend since 5th grade, but we’ve only been dating like 5 months. We’ve also lost touch through the years a bit, but I’m glad to have her around now. One of my other best friends I’ve known since I was a freshman in high school.

I think those experiences make for stronger friendships if you have the desire to maintain them past the bad parts and separation. I think me and my old friends relate on a much deeper level than “new” friends. I would call superficial friends my “work buddies”. We go out to happy hour once a week and talk about home improvement and how their wives cramp their style. I have a good time, but its not like the conversations I have with my buddy down the street whom I’ve known for 26 years.

8

With the advent of email, MSN and cell-phones, it isn’t that hard to keep in contact with a friend. But sometimes thing do change, like moving to a faraway place, or mirgrating…

But I believe true friends those which you may have not met for 10 or 20 years, but when you met, you will always have a topic at hand to discuss about. This doesn’t happen all the time, but some friendships formed are binding, like those in the military. You met not have met them for a long time, but you know you can rely on them.

Whether you want lots of close friends or superifical friends seem to be a matter of personal tastes and personality. I am an introvert, but at the same times want to know as many people as possible, but just don’t feel comfortable interacting with strangers. But I prefer to have friends who are close than superifical, and it takes me a while, but I am learning to let go of superficial relationship.

9

Don’t underestimate the value of shared experience.

I’m 34, and hung on to two friends from high school longer than I should have partly because I knew that once they were “gone,” there would be no one left who knew me at that time in my life. No one who went to our first high school dance, no one who was a part of the group of friends who meant so much to me after we graduated and when I’d come home for the summers during college. A whole chunk of my life, including some significant growing-up stuff, that suddenly I wouldn’t have in common with anyone anymore. Honestly, the thought of losing that made me feel a little lonely. I also had some guilt feelings about “outgrowing” them, because I was the only one who went to college, didn’t get married/start a family right away, and moved away.

But, when it comes down to it, I value the quality of the current friendship more than shared memories. I’m at a point with both women where I could pick up the phone now and things would be “normal” again, but I’m not picking up the phone – and neither are they. We haven’t had anything in common (except those memories) for a long time now, and I think we’ve all realized that it’s time to move on. It’s also a lot harder to make new friends once out of school, so I think people are naturally reluctant to let go of the friendships they already have – even if the quality isn’t that great.

I have one friend left from my college days, and she lives 4 hours away … which doesn’t seem like much, but it’s just far enough to keep us from seeing each other more than once or twice a year. But we’re still good friends, we keep in touch via phone calls and e-mails, and we’re there for each other when it matters: when her mom died a few years ago, I didn’t think twice before dropping everything and driving up to stay with her for the viewings and funeral. She didn’t ask me to, and we hadn’t seen each other in a couple of years at that point, but I knew I could say “I’ll be there in the morning” and it would be the right thing to do. We went through a rough period right around graduation (we’d been roommates for 2 years and were starting to drive each other a little nuts), but I’m glad things have worked out. She’s a great person, and I value having someone in my life to share college memories with.

My best friend these days is someone I’ve only known for 5 years. He doesn’t know about my group of friends from high school, or what I was like in college, or anything about who I was before I turned 30 (well, 29 for those of you doing the math at home). In some ways it’s not as deep a friendship as the one I have with my college friend, but we are definitely there for each other, even when it comes to little things (like borrowing his shop vac when my pipe burst). I see him once or twice a month, and have gradually become just as good friends with his wife as I am with him. And his 4-year-old son is the love of my life. :slight_smile:

I’ve struggled with making new friends ever since moving here 7 years ago: people have their own lives, routines, families, friends, etc. and it’s hard to spend the kind of time together that’s needed to form a real friendship – that time was easier to find when everyone was young and single and childless. Plus, I can be a picky bitch. :wink: But I’ve managed to find my best friend, which I’m very grateful for, and there’s one woman at work who I think I’m gradually becoming “real” friends with (as opposed to just co-worker friends). I often really miss having a group of friends my age to hang out with, but not so much that I’m willing to have superficial friendships or hang out with people that I don’t actually like all that much.

On preview, this is much longer than I intended! I’m not even sure if I’ve made any points, but I don’t feel like re-working or just deleting it. So if you’ve read all the way through, thanks. :wink:

10

One of my friends I have known since kindergarden (15 years ago) and we still see each other practically every day. I know some people think it’s the worst thing in the world to stay in your hometown after you graduate, but I really don’t see moving to another town or state as being neccesary.

I have a couple other friends from High School I see a few times a year, but as for the the rest of my graduating class I really don’t care if I never see them again.

11

As far as this is characterized I get what you say and agree.

However, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that someone who was the same age as you, from the same place at the same time and who you were close enough to be friends with (same interests? doing the same things?) at some point in your life – would still have things to offer even as you two moved from that time and place. IOW it doesn’t strike me at all unlikely that your BFF from HS or University decade(s) ago would still have relevance to you today beyond discussions of Mr. Pecos’ English Class — even if it wasn’t the same … it is only weird and unhealthy when one or both of you are trying to keep it the same.

Basically Woody Allen says “A relationship is like a shark, it needs to keep moving forward or it dies.” and I agree

12

I used to really feel like you do. And in fact I have pretty much lost touch with most/all of the people I knew in HS and college. The thing about it is, 10-15-20 years down the road, it’s people like that who you have history with who will really go to bat for you if you need to take on something big.

If you face a major illness, or have triplets, or travel around the world and need a house sitter, or start a business, or need to flee a hurricane–those friends for life are the kind of friends who will step in and be a part of it with you. The folks you get together with now for drinks or a game or a show, you are a friend of convenience to them just as much as they are to you. And it’s really hard to build a deep friendship once you have 40-60+ hours per week committed to work and family. So you it is kind of a one-time opportunity to establish some friendships for life.

They call this concept “social capital” and like any other capital it’s good to know how to maximize your return. And sometimes you are investing for the long haul, not immediate dividends.

13

I would definitely say it varies from person to person. I once heard it asserted that extroverts tend to believe ‘out of sight, out of mind’. I think there might be something to that.

I’m 46, and I am still in close touch with around half a dozen friends from high school or earlier. I was also in touch with two friends who died in the last few years (one had medical problems, the other was originally a friend of my parents who was a good bit older than me). I still have family in my hometown, so it’s not a big deal to stay in touch with friends who still live there.

Our lives have certainly changed a lot in thirty years – who’s hasn’t? But in each case, a combination of shared experiences, values and interests makes the friendship valuable. I play music part-time, and I’m always making new friends. So I don’t think my long-term friendships are a mark of desperation, any more than a lack of them makes a person shallow.

But even if a person’s only friends are long-term ones, I don’t think it’s necessarily a pathology. Some people are just very set in their habits.

14

I heard that it’s so hard to make friends once you leave college. I guess it’s pretty logical to stay in touch with the ones you know from college and high school.

15

A few weeks back, I’m at my college campus for our annual Big Football Game[sup]TM[/sup]. It’s pretty much a tradition that alumni from all years come back for the game so every other year when it’s at home, it becomes a reunion kind of situation.

The first few years were cool because everyone would come back. You would actually know people in the fraternity house because they were there when you were there. They would ask about the Real World[sup]TM[/sup] and we would hang out at the parties and crash on someone’s couch.

A few years out, you realize that the scene has changed, you don’t know anyone actually at the school anymore and you’re pretty much there just to reconnect with your old friends.

Now it’s like ten years since graduation and it’s weird just seeing people you haven’t seen in a few years. Most are married and some of them have kids. What used to be fun is actually kind of depressing now. To a certain extent, not only do I barely care about what goes on at my college these days, coming back to these kinds of events only serves to make me feel older.

Which I guess is what it boils down to. If you aren’t developing new relationships and finding new purpose is life, you start to look back on old relationships and purposes, only to find that they are no longer there. At least not as you remembered them.

From what I can tell, it goes something like this:
-In high school, you pretty much know everything about everyone. These are the people you grew up with. Even people you don’t know that well, you are still on speaking terms with.

-You go to college. Everyone is in the same boat - new school, new people. You make new friends. You keep your core friends from high school who you keep in touch with during the summers. By the end of your four years, you have a new core group of friends.

-In your early to mid 20s, you’re in kind of a “post-college” mode. Maybe you live with some of your college buddies in an appartment. Maybe all you guys get summer houses at the shore or go on trips to Vegas or whatever. You still go to parties with people you went to college with. You make new friends but they are usually never as good as the ones you made growing up.

-Now things start to get difficult. You still have your core group of friends but you see less and less of them. When you do see them, it’s more reminiscing about the old days than new stuff. People start getting married or moving to the suburbs or wherever and they drop off the face of the Earth. Usually friendships are based on a shared activity - golf or work or whatever.

If you have a family, those old friendships are easier to maintain because they require less work. You just see each other once a year at a labor day picnic or whathaveyou and that’s it. The rest of the year you spend doing family stuff.

16

I am still in occasional touch with my first best friend, Mark, whom I’ve known since 1966. We basically lived with each other from then until 1976. We did everything together except go to school. I was a grade ahead of him, and went to the other school in town. We were introduced by a mutual friend, and the two of us hit it off better than either of us with the third party, who eventually fell by the wayside. We went our separate ways in 1976 to take our directions in life, but kept in touch. We wouldn’t see each other for years at a time, but when we got back together, it was just like old times.

In 1998, he drove 1500 miles with all my worldly possessions, to deliver them to me and be my best man at my wedding. When he calls me, it’s just like we were in the middle of a conversation, and no time has passed. We just have a special bond. We each have different best friends now, I suppose, but you can’t take away what we had with each other in the formative years of our lives. We were, and we are, pals. One of us will go to the other’s funeral.

I have another friend since 1984, whom I talked to as recently as last weekend. We can’t visit each other due to distance and various circumstances, but we keep in touch by phone several times a year.

Anybody else is just somebody I knew at the time, and when we moved away from each other, we didn’t call or write. It wasn’t that special of a friendship, and there isn’t much of a reason to maintain it. But to hang onto a friendship for 20 or 40 years, that shows that we each have such high regard for the other that there is no question about it. Distance or no distance, marriage, divorce, death, kids, failures, successes, none of that can diminish the bond of true friends.

17

I think it also has to do with number and quality of friendships overall.

In no phase of my life did I ever have huge flocks of friends. I’ve always had a small number of close friends. As I passed through each phase of life, I shed a few of these, and kept a few.

And they’re people worth keeping. I think it gets much harder to make friends after college. No pool of people all living in the same place doing the same things. Everybody busy with lots of competing demands.

As much as I may like somebody I meet today, it will take a long time before that relationship feels as deep and special as one with someone I’ve known for years, and maybe never.

How many people you meet after college are you going to wrestle with? throw up in front of? go on days long roadtrips with? even spend a whole 24 hours at a time with?