Fourteen!? Does that mean that after fourteen, the five-year-olds would give up and leave me alone, or that’s all I could whip before they finally kicked my ass? Is my ass-kicking ultimately going to happen no matter how many five-year-olds I put down hard?
According to the site 35, but unless they had a five year old General Maximus among them to get them to coordinate their efforts, I think I could take on five year olds until you ran out of them.
Previous attempt at serious discussion: How many bloodthirsty 5-year-olds could you take on at once?
- Not bad considering I have never been in a fight and have no martial arts training.
- I actually don’t understand, because I’m “tall”, “long armed”, can kick higher than 3’, and am 21-35. I must have just answered the questions too softly. Poor 5-year-olds.
Of course, that’s only half of what Chuck Norris could do without even trying.
Hey, you never know. Best start preparing now, I figure.
33, but they must be deducting for height and age.
Fuck 'em, I’m good for at least 50.
The critical assumption in this game, though, is that the children are legitimately trying to hurt you. They’ll gouge your eyes, bite you, scratch you; the only thing they’re not allowed to do is go for your nuts. If the gloves are off and they’re actually TRYING to bring your ass down, it’s a different ballgame.
It’s just simple math; 25 5-year-olds is about a thousand pounds. They’ve got a lot of mass working for them.
I have a little girl who’s just two. If we’re playing and she kicks me in the face, she can hurt me. I’m telling you, her legs are strong - much stronger than I imagined possible. It’s possible, if she kicked me in the wrong spot, she could break my nose or knock out teeth. By the time she’s 5 she’ll be at least twenty pounds heavier and twice as strong, and now multiply that by 25. You put one 5-year-old on each leg and for a moment you won’t be able to get away, and next thing you know the rest are piling on you.
I think people are really underestimating what a challenge this would be, given the game’s underlying assumptions. My first thought was that I would pick up one by the ankles and use his as a halberd, but that probably wouldn’t work. A five-year-old weighs what, 40-50 pounds? That’s heavier than any weapon; a baseball bat only weighs two pounds, a large sword three or four. It would be like trying to swing a bag with three full-sized bowling balls in it. It’s too clumsy. By the time you’d knocked around three or four kids the others would flank you.
Will we ever find out? Probably not, but I’d pay a hundred dollars to see it.
That great now if we can just get you to donate your daughter to the cause in a couple of years. 
I can take on 22.
And it would be violent and bloody. Adorably violent and bloody.
Yes, but twenty 50 pound newborn calves don’t equal one 1000 pound bull. Regardless of how legitimately they are trying to hurt you or take you down, no one of them is going to be very good at it. Most adults aren’t very good at it. The five year old army’s (or 5YOA, if you prefer) only strategy, if they can even master strategy, is to sacrifice enough to take you down and then overwhelm you, without getting in each other’s way. That’s like you and as many buddies as you can round up trying to wrestle a twelve foot tall gorilla. Even with pathologically motivated children, every kid who tries to shoot to a leg gets a knee to the face, every one who manages to make it through and get a leg gets a thumb very deep in an eye socket. I can see this going on for quite some time.
28
Bring on the little suckers!
I’m just not certain that an unarmed 5YO would be able to ‘knock out’ an adult.
That is the victory condition. They have to knock you out. If they did get me down and I balled up, all their kicking and hitting would be for naught.
11… I’m pretty physically small, and not trained in any martial arts. Although I’d fight mercilessly.
A very weak 30, but in my defense the questionaire never asked how many I’d be fisting.
Umm… what? :o
On the first try, it told me I could take 24.
But then I imagined myself as an overweight 4-year-old with no fighting experience and a weak constitution. The calculator determined that I would still be able to “take on” one five-year-old. Therefore, I have determined that this horde of kids is pretty weak.
Still curious, I retook the test as a burly ninja with severe bloodlust. Under those circumstances, I could take on 39.
So in reality, I’m only 15 kids away from an enraged martial arts master. I’d better get training.
Zero, I don’t think I could continue fighting after the first one started crying. I would just defend myself until they knocked me out.
Adults are wired to not hurt children. There is no situation in which I could intentionally hurt a bunch of little kids. I don’t care what the internet told you. Nobody here could fight off any number.
I could take 28.
Only six. 
Feeling very useless now. Must try harder. Then again, perhaps I have been right all along to be scared of the creatures.
Rats, and soon they will all be out of school for holidays. Run and hide now.
Get some earplugs. That should help. 