Might help. It specifies that you have to knock the children unconscious. Which means that in many circumstances you would have to continue to beat subdued children. Imagine the last ten children still shrieking holding their bloody little heads, thinking you’ve won and realizing that since they are still conscious that you have to go around and beat them into silence.
Freddy Krueger isn’t that cold.
I actually have some real life experience not too far removed from this… I was mugged by a gang of kids, and I doubt if the oldest one was more than 12. They were quite organized. After not being able to knock me down for a bit – I was actually dragging 4 of them along a park path, trying to get out to the busy street (this was Malcolm X park in DC and I was trying to get out to 16th St.) – one of them one of them kneeled down and bent over in front of me, and a couple of others hit me from behind and tripped me over the front one. Then I had kids sitting on both arms and legs, and another kid sitting on my chest and starting to work on my face with a swiss army knife. There were at least 7 kids.
Even though they were pummelling at me the whole time, and I had bruises over most of my body the next day, I don’t think I felt any pain at the time. They really weren’t strong enough to do much damage with their muscles. I basically called Uncle after the first knife cut, and said “Take my wallet”, and stopped struggling. Fortunately it was practically civilized after that. I let them take my wallet and leave without further incident.
I realized later I wasn’t willing to really hurt them. I would never make that mistake again. OTOH I would never walk into a situation like that again either. The park had a bad rep for muggings and I knew it, but I was 20 something and thought I was invulnerable.
I’m at 23 too. Seriously tho, fighting a swarm of children is serious exercise! When my brother was a bit younger (12ish) and had 4 or 5 friends over one time they decided to play “attack the older brother (29yo at the time) and drag him to the ground”. Unfortunately, political correctness and all, house rules stated that the older brother may be, but the children must not be harmed. Therefore I learned and perfected that obscure martial arts maneuver called “remove claws of young child gingerly from ones limb and throw them away from you a large distance… gently”. Yes, throwing, blocking, parrying, disarming, putting out of commision multiple targets’ bodies… gently. Keanu Reeves in Matrix 2, you have nothing on me!
I’m wondering, would martial arts training really help? The martial arts, as practiced in most ordinary dojos, emphasizes combat against another adult, not a swarm of 5-year-olds. You don’t see a lot of senseis teaching the “Beat up 20 Kindergartners Form,” although if you know where there is one I’ll sign up.
Their advantage is numbers; yours is strength and smarts. The best approach, I think, would be to continually retreat. This would, in all likelihood, cause the mob to string out - the more you make them come to you the easier it will be to dispatch them in ones and twos. In military terms this is termed “Destroying in detail,” and it’s an ideal outcome. If you can keep them coming at you in ones and two, single punches should dispatch them. Just don’t five of them get to you while you’re knocking out a few of their buddies.
(Hey, if you aren’t willing to lie when taking an anonymous web survey, then you have no business trying to take on a swarm of five-year-olds.)
It sure wouldn’t hurt. OTOH, with these kids and their soft still-growing bones, would it be harder to break those bones? Maybe they’re like friggin willows.
Really, I imagine if you are well trained in the matial arts, AND have the willpower to deliver the blows mercilessly, there’d be wounded kids littering your path.
My big question is whether kids that age are smart enough to work cooperatively, like the kids who mugged me were. Then you would be in real trouble.
Maybe it depends on the martial art in particular. It seems like aikido would be a great help, since AIUI it’s all about letting your opponents charge at you and redirecting their kinetic energy to toss them all over the place. I saw a great demonstration of aikido technique where one guy went for a long time without ever landing a blow–he just let his opponent fly across the room until he wore out.
Having been actually attacked by a trio of 16 and 18-year-olds and successfully fighting them off while attempting not to injure them (a moment of kindness, I know) I have to say McSweeney has failed to take something crucial into account.
People can repeatedly hit you in the back of the head as hard as they want and all they will do is break their own hand. They won’t hurt you at all.
So in reality, when faced by a smarm, you can safely ignore the 5-year-olds behind you. You only need to worry about those in front.
The website says 26. It’s wrong. Being in fights counts more than martial arts in this kind of brawl 
33, and I don’t think that’s an overestimate. From play-fighting with my sons, a kid that age is basically incapable of seeing a threat coming, let alone reacting to it. I can hit 'em how and when I like and anyone I do hit is out of the fight at once.
Hmmm…I don’t know what test all of you guys been taking, but when I clicked on the link and took the test, my result said I could take on five 23 year-old kindergarten teachers in an orgy.
Yeah, that sounds about right.