Being drunk isn’t an excuse for cheating. Neither is feeling vulnerable, nor is the hotness of your prospect. You made a promise to be faithful for life in front of your God, family, and friends, to your SO. If you break it, it’s on you, no matter what the character of the person you sleep with. Free will is a bitch that way.
Agreed, agreed, and agreed. But in that particular case I would argue that The Other shares a huge responsibility as well. More so than in more “normal” cases.
Be that as it may, I’d argue that in most cases, people don’t set out to wreck their own lives and those of their families. While there is undeniably bad behavior that should never have happened, it is usually unplanned and “just happened.” (By “usually” I mean overwhelmingly, statistically.) And “My wife doesn’t understand me, so I’ll leave her for you” and “He’s leaving his wife for me, the time is just not right yet” are probably the most common phrases uttered in regards to affairs. So while I agree that the cheater is the chief person to blame in most cases, usually it’s not out of malice, but out of stupidity. And the complex nature of human relationships and sexuality.
Exactly.
I think a huge factor in how “guilty” The Other is is who did the pursuing. Someone who takes initiative and knowingly pursues/seduces someone in a committed relationship is scum. Someone who allows themself to be seduced by someone in a committed relationship, much less so, particularly given how easy (and natural) it is to be able to convince yourself that their relationship is almost over, or what have you.
Does anyone actually use that? How could it possibly work? “Hey baby, not only am I an asshole, I’m also a wimp.” This is supposed to get you laid?
I have trouble thinking of cheating on a girlfriend/boyfriend as adultery. Not that true adultery and just cheap cheating aren’t pretty much the same thing, but the words “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” don’t carry the commitment weight of “wife” and “husband.” There are assumed commitments, maybe even privately spoken ones, but adultery – in my way of thinking – is about ruining a marriage, which is the result of a very public declaration of exclusivity.
In any case, if the Other knows that his/her paramour is otherwise committed, he/she is as sleazy as the cheater. And then it gets really, really complicated.
Having never used it myself, I wouldn’t know. But I’m not sure where you get the assessment of wimp from.
I think a woman of sufficiently low self-esteem or high infatuation could see it as a compliment that a guy would leave his entire family to be with her. And I could see how a guy could convince himself that his plain, practical wife doesn’t “get” him as much as the young, pretty thang he’s cheating with. Rationalization – It’s what’s for breakfast.
We’ve all heard about The Other who was waiting for the cheater to leave his wife, but never did, stringing her along for years. But as a poll within a poll, have you ever known anyone who made good on that promise?
I have, twice. In one case, the errant husband came back to the wife years later, and she took him back. The last I heard, they were happy.
In the other case, The Other Woman was cheating on her husband as well. Last I heard, the new family was very happy, but at the time they’d only been together for a few years.
I knew a couple where the man at the ripe ol age of 56 decided to leave his wife and go have a screw with a sales rep at his office. She was 33. She knowingly and whittingly took him and played with him for a while and promptly ditched him. In the month or two the man was afar from his wife she had a big house on the water, three cars, pool etc…etc… to play with. She stated he was going through a phase and that ***SHE *** was going to come out on top [figuratively speaking] in the end.
Later on he came back, she accepted his PHASE and on went life.
Infidelity to some means different things.*
*I forgot to mention she told said 56 year old adulterer that if he decides to go do it again she’ll cut his dick off.
She meant it I’m sure. Never mess with an angry Portugese woman. Never.
These people were very wealthy, and I’m not sure that had much to do with it, but one never knows. To me money doesn’t mean much when cheating is on the line.
That’s what got me the second time, when I really, really should have known better. He was a coworker, and we were friends, often chatting online through the evening shift. He was extremely complimentary to me in a non-threatening sort of way. He noticed when I got my hair cut or wore a new outfit, and he always had something flattering to say. It was, at the time, about the only positive, masculine attention I had in my life. Not to say that there aren’t other men or that they treat me poorly. They don’t. But they never went out of their way to make me smile.
Over the course of several months, he’d mention every now and then that his wife didn’t work and hadn’t worked in more than a couple of years (they didn’t have any children). She was content to live off what he made without contributing anything. He never made a big deal about it, but it was clear he was frustrated. He was a friend, and I wanted to be supportive, so I spent more time with him, often going out for lunch.
Now, had a friend told me this same story, I would have immediately seen the red flags and warned her. But because I was marinating in warm fuzzies and told myself that my little crush didn’t mean anything and we only interacted over professional manners, it never occurred to me that I was falling sucker for one of the oldest lines out there.
It ramped up over the course of a week. His wife didn’t care if he was home or not. She had her own life, and he was only a very small part of it. And the compliments became flirting, and he decided that was it. He was going to move out and then file for divorce.
And I…fell for it. I wanted him, I wanted sex, I wanted company, and I wanted confirmation that I was desirable and lovable. I didn’t wait for him to move out and file for divorce. I invited him over and took him to bed, fully expecting that he would be single by the weekend.
And then he wasn’t. And I realized I’d been very, very stupid. I told him to make up his mind, and he did. He chose his wife.
Three weeks later, he started throwing compliments my way again. I told him his wife deserved better, and so did I. He didn’t cross any boundaries with me again. Neither of us work at that same company anymore. If I ran into him again, I’d still find him extremely attractive, but I wouldn’t trust him any further than I could shot-put him.
I was furious with myself for being taken, even though at the same time, I’m sure he was completely sincere about wanting to leave his wife. For a moment. Or about three hours on a Monday afternoon. I’m sure if I gave him the chance, he would have had many more crises of commitment, and his wife would have been portrayed as only a step or two shy of being a bloated tick, until it was time to go home to her again.
If I had to face his wife, I would be as truthful as I could without hurting her more than I absolutely had to. I would ask her to forgive me, as I’ve had to forgive myself, if only to make sure that I didn’t repeat my behavior.
Marcus Aurelius once said that those who harm others because of their own pain are less to blame than those who harm others in their pursuit of pleasure. I honestly can’t say which side of the balance sheet I fall on, only that I am NOT doing that again.
Yes, it gets used all the time. In fact, I think it’s the singled biggest line married men use to rationalize away the fact that they’re married. Something along the lines of, “My wife doesn’t understand me but”… a) I don’t want to leave my kids, or b) she’ll take me to the cleaners in a divorce, or c) she knows our marriage is a sham, so it’s OK I’m dating you or d) my family doesn’t accept divorce, or e) probably lots of other bullshit. And women believe it because the follow-up is, “But YOU understand me! You’re so great, thanks for getting why I can’t leave my wife even though I really want to be with you.” I guess it’s flattering, though I think it’s creepy as hell. I’ve had several of my friends go through this crap with married men. None of those men left their wives.
That said, sometimes it does happen. Men do leave their wives and marry their mistresses. One of my best friend’s father left her mother after 25 years and 4 kids for a woman 20 years younger than him, with whom he was having a long term affair. He went back and forth from wife to mistress for quite a while until his wife finally told him not to come back. He went ahead and married the mistress. They are still together and it’s been a couple of decades now.
I’ve been the other woman, and I take full responsibility for doing something shitty, and NO responsibility for the effect it had on the other relationship. That’s all on him.
I’ve also found out about the other woma(e)n, and I never placed any blame on them for the effect it had on our relationship. That’s all on him.
Same guy, by the way. Sometimes they do leave. Thing is, they usually also continue to cheat.
Sleeping with someone’s SO is a crappy thing to do, but it’s primarily, IMO, a crappy thing to do to YOURSELF. You don’t owe any loyalty to the other party, and you don’t bear any of the responsibility for someone else’s disloyalty. Cheaters cheat. If not with you, then with someone else. So really the only person you’re hurting or demeaning in the process is yourself.
My two cents. I don’t blame “the other” at all.
The decision to cheat rests solely on the partner in the relationship. They have made the decision to cheat, lie, sneak around, whatever.
“The other” bears no responsibility for decision another makes.
If the ocelot does not give consent, “the other” is in deep trouble.
I mean…claws. Come on.
I don’t understand this stance. How does knowingly helping another person do something that’s likely to cause someone else great pain leave someone with no responsibility? Granted, the “other” never made a formal promise of any kind to the spouse/SO, but don’t people owe even strangers a certain minimum level of consideration?
Clap, clap, clap.
I sort of agree with Lunar Saltlick, in that assigning amounts of blame is laregly irrelevant.
Both the Cheater and the Other are guilty. They’re just guilty of different things. Also, it should be noted that the specific circumstances can go a long ways to mitigating the Other’s guilt, but there’s really not a damn thing the circumstances can do to mitigate the Cheater’s guilt.
The Cheater is guilty of a lot more serious poor behavior than the Other is, in any case. The Cheater is, by definition, breaking his word to a person he professes to love and has promised to remain faithful to.* He’s (or she, of course, but I’m sticking with the generic-pronoun “he”) doing it deliberately and willfully. Even in the most extreme recreational-homewrecker-Other scenario, the Other is at most a facilitator to the Cheater’s poor behavior.
If the Other has a relationship with the Injured Party, then his or her culpability takes a rather large jump - based on the betrayal of that relationship alone.
In my personal life, the times I’ve been cheated on (few, thankfully), I slapped all the blame on the Cheater. I didn’t think much of the Other - but I didn’t blame them either.
*Note: If he’s not breaking his word because he didn’t give his word, then it’s not really cheating, in my view.
I feel the same way. It’s 100% the Cheater’s responsibility to honor the commitment he/she made to their partner. If we place the obligation of faithfulness on the world at large rather than the Cheater, what kind of commitment is it, really? It’s easy to forsake what you can’t actually get.
Oftentimes, I hear cheated-on women who are as angry or angrier at the woman their SO cheated on them with than the SO himself. That never ceases to amaze me. Your promise is with your SO, not the rest of the world. Would your SO be honoring his commitment to you any better if he had tried to sleep with another woman and she refused?
The Other is, presumably, choosing their happiness/pleasure over that of a stranger’s. A stranger they have no obligation to. It’s not a nice thing to do, but I’m going to be perfectly honest - if it’s a choice between me and someone I don’t know, I’m going to pick myself. Of course, if the Other is any kind of decent human being, they won’t be 100% happy with gaining pleasure at the cost of someone else’s happiness. But I don’t think they should be held responsible for the welfare of the Cheater and the SO’s relationship. The onus is on the Cheater for that. (Whether they personally feel responsible is another matter.)
In other words, what Giraffe said.
Except for kidnapping, nobody ever “stole your man” or “stole your gal”. The married/committed person always has the option to say, “No, thanks. I’m married.” The interloper is on the prowl, and makes her/his own moral decisions. If the spouse/SO is also on the prowl, they’ll hook up. If not, it’s “No. I’m married/committed to somebody.” They may go through some deft lunge-and-parry, but once no is clearly no, the interloper moves on.
The wandering partner strayed on a free will basis.
Nothing amazing about it. It’s the ultimate copout. “There’s nothing wrong with my man, or my relationship, and I did NOT choose badly. Everything would have been fine if that evil whore hadn’t cast her diabolic wiles on my husband.”
Meh. Your husband is at best a fundamentally good guy who had a moment of weakness, and at worst a complete asshole. Most likely he falls somewhere in between. Figure it out, and deal with it. But either way, the problem is him.