How much blame does the "Other Woman" get?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I don’t particularly blame the other person. I’ve been cheated on and I didn’t feel anything but sorry for the other girl. I didn’t blame her for wanting him and I don’t blame her for not thinking of me. I was a stranger. He was the only one to break a promise to me. If I did consider her in any way responsible for me or my situation I could just as easily say she did me a favour as say she harmed me. But I didn’t consider her in any way responsible for the situation. He wasn’t married and so I had no reason to think I’d be the last person he’d ever sleep with so why should she have thought that? She thought she was the next person and the only reason the order got messed up was that he never told me about her.

On the other hand to seduce someone who is admitting they’re married is horrible. We have marriage for a reason. When people unknowingly sleep with a married person and continue to do it after they find out, or when they believe that person will get a divorce, they are doing something wrong but they aren’t having a good time about it or being malicious so I don’t count those people as evil.

I don’t think there’s any distribution of blame. It’s not like I think a person is only half to blame if they admitted they were married and were seduced by someone actively trying to break up the marriage. I don’t think any of the blame gets shifted over to the other person. The cheater is still 100% to blame, and the seducer is 100% to blame for something else. There’s just extra wrong being done on top of the original wrong. The only way I’d reserve some anger for the other person would be if she intentionally seduced my legally wedded husband from me in order to ruin my marriage and even then it wouldn’t be that I was taking some of the anger away from my husband, I’d just find extra reserves.

42

[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee]
The Other is, presumably, choosing their happiness/pleasure over that of a stranger’s. A stranger they have no obligation to. It’s not a nice thing to do, but I’m going to be perfectly honest - if it’s a choice between me and someone I don’t know, I’m going to pick myself. Of course, if the Other is any kind of decent human being, they won’t be 100% happy with gaining pleasure at the cost of someone else’s happiness. But I don’t think they should be held responsible for the welfare of the Cheater and the SO’s relationship. The onus is on the Cheater for that. (Whether they personally feel responsible is another matter.)

In other words, what Giraffe said.
[/QUOTE]

Lets face it - decent human beings make that choice every day. Today I decided I’d spend $10 on Chipoltle for dinner when I could have gotten by for $4 at the McDonald’s drive through and donated $6 to the food shelf. Nearly every choice we make impacts other people - sometimes enough that its illegal, sometimes where its unethical, sometimes its just annoying (why can I hear your music loud enough from inside my car to set off a migraine), and sometimes its such a matter of everyday life we don’t even notice.

I’d put having sex with some who is married without permission from their spouse as unethical - but ethics are far from absolute.

43

[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee]
The Other is, presumably, choosing their happiness/pleasure over that of a stranger’s. A stranger they have no obligation to. It’s not a nice thing to do, but I’m going to be perfectly honest - if it’s a choice between me and someone I don’t know, I’m going to pick myself.
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But are you picking yourself? I question this line of thinking. I don’t mean in a one time or short term situation, where maybe you get off a few times, no big deal if you don’t feel qualms about such things. I mean, getting involved in a relationship with someone who’s married. From the several friends I’ve watched go through it, it tends to be very painful for the Other. Even if he leaves his wife (or she leaves her husband, but allow me to stick with the male pronoun for ease of writing), there’s likely going to be much angst and suffering beforehand. You have to be the 2nd, secret, side thing for a while, and accept this lesser position for whatever period of time, wherein you will likely hear lots of lies, rationalizations, and confusing things from your erstwhile lover.

If he does leave his spouse, you have to hold his hand through a divorce, in which you will likely be an issue. Then you have to deal with kids if there are any, who will likely blame you for ruining Mommy and Daddy’s marriage (and they wouldn’t be totally wrong, would they?). I imagine it’s very uncomfortable. You also have to live with the knowledge that your relationship started with a violation of promises, lies, and secrecy. You’re with a cheater who doesn’t have a lot of respect for his lifetime commitments, after all.

If they don’t leave their spouse, then you have all that suffering for nothing, plus the shame of the situation, the questioning of your own judgment, knowing he chose her after all, etc.etc…

Not much upside to it, unless you’re one of the rare ones who actually HAS found your soul mate… in which case all you have to deal with, in the end, is knowing your soul mate chose someone else as his soul mate first. Ah well.

44

Whether or not you’re happy as the Other depends on what kind of person you are, I suppose. What I meant was that choosing to be the Other is basically putting yourself and what you want (or what you think you want at the time) before a stranger - someone you have no real obligation to. Again, it’s not the nicest thing to do, but as Dangerosa pointed out, it’s something we all do, to varying degrees.

If I had a friend in the Other position, I would try to dissuade them from it, but it’s more because I care for them and their happiness, rather than from concern for the Wronged Party. (I don’t mean I wouldn’t sympathize, but their well-being certainly wouldn’t be foremost in my mind.)

45

[QUOTE=Rubystreak]
But are you picking yourself? I question this line of thinking. I don’t mean in a one time or short term situation, where maybe you get off a few times, no big deal if you don’t feel qualms about such things. I mean, getting involved in a relationship with someone who’s married. From the several friends I’ve watched go through it, it tends to be very painful for the Other. Even if he leaves his wife (or she leaves her husband, but allow me to stick with the male pronoun for ease of writing), there’s likely going to be much angst and suffering beforehand. You have to be the 2nd, secret, side thing for a while, and accept this lesser position for whatever period of time, wherein you will likely hear lots of lies, rationalizations, and confusing things from your erstwhile lover.

If he does leave his spouse, you have to hold his hand through a divorce, in which you will likely be an issue. Then you have to deal with kids if there are any, who will likely blame you for ruining Mommy and Daddy’s marriage (and they wouldn’t be totally wrong, would they?). I imagine it’s very uncomfortable. You also have to live with the knowledge that your relationship started with a violation of promises, lies, and secrecy. You’re with a cheater who doesn’t have a lot of respect for his lifetime commitments, after all.

If they don’t leave their spouse, then you have all that suffering for nothing, plus the shame of the situation, the questioning of your own judgment, knowing he chose her after all, etc.etc…

Not much upside to it, unless you’re one of the rare ones who actually HAS found your soul mate… in which case all you have to deal with, in the end, is knowing your soul mate chose someone else as his soul mate first. Ah well.
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Not everyone wants him/her to leave. Some people are content with being The Other. It can be a nice gig.

And you hold a friend’s hand through a divorce regardless of your role in the divorce. Around here, several of the people in this thread have been in other threads where we’ve actively advised people to get divorced. Or at least prepare for what appears to be an inevitable divorce from the description. Does it suck when there are kids involved - yep. But I doubt in most cases the infidelity is the root cause of the divorce (although it probably is the catalyst).

46

[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
Not everyone wants him/her to leave. Some people are content with being The Other. It can be a nice gig.
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Exactly. Let’s think about what one CAN have as the “other”… someone who is available when you want them, and otherwise occupied when you don’t, who is in a position to ask nothing of you. Pretty sweet.

It doesn’t HAVE to be a Lifetime movie.

47

[QUOTE=pokey]
On the other hand to seduce someone who is admitting they’re married is horrible. We have marriage for a reason. When people unknowingly sleep with a married person and continue to do it after they find out, or when they believe that person will get a divorce, they are doing something wrong but they aren’t having a good time about it or being malicious so I don’t count those people as evil.
[/QUOTE]

There aren’t a whole lot of women out there looking to seduce a married man. And I think the few that are generally have floppy hats and cigarette holders and stand around in front of venetian blinds. A man isn’t going to be led astray until he’s given a clear indication that that’s where he wants to go.

48

I’m finding myself in a situation that is funny or horrifying, depending on how you look at it.

About a year ago my husband and I started sleeping with a female friend of ours. It was at various times a twosome and threesome, depending on who was around and in the mood. 10 months ago, this friend got herself a live-in boyfriend, who we have met but don’t know very well. She told us that they had an open relationship.

Yeah, you’re supposed to tell your SO about the open relationship. She didn’t.

She finally confessed everything to him (and us) two weeks ago. So now boyfriend is mad at my husband. Not me, and not her.

He says its because they are both men, and it’s different for men.

Can anyone explain? I’m finding myself a bit insulted here.

49

[QUOTE=SusanStoHelit]
I’m finding myself in a situation that is funny or horrifying, depending on how you look at it.

About a year ago my husband and I started sleeping with a female friend of ours. It was at various times a twosome and threesome, depending on who was around and in the mood. 10 months ago, this friend got herself a live-in boyfriend, who we have met but don’t know very well. She told us that they had an open relationship.

Yeah, you’re supposed to tell your SO about the open relationship. She didn’t.

She finally confessed everything to him (and us) two weeks ago. So now boyfriend is mad at my husband. Not me, and not her.

He says its because they are both men, and it’s different for men.

Can anyone explain? I’m finding myself a bit insulted here.
[/QUOTE]

Other guy’s dick in your woman=not cool.

Other girl doing stuff to your woman=awesome.

Or at least that seems to be the rule. :rolleyes:

50

[QUOTE=Telperien]
Other guy’s dick in your woman=not cool.

Other girl doing stuff to your woman=awesome.

Or at least that seems to be the rule. :rolleyes:
[/QUOTE]

I figured it was something like that.

The girl has now moved out, and boyfriend is trying to get her back. He thinks my husband is “weak, effeminate, and hedonistic” because of his actions. Yeah, whose single and who has the hot wife (me) and the threesomes again? That’s what I thought :rolleyes:

The boyfriend finally called my husband and they had a nice long talk. Boyfriend’s parting shot was “enjoy your life with its Romanesque ways”

I thought that was hilarious.

51

[QUOTE=SusanStoHelit]
I figured it was something like that.

The girl has now moved out, and boyfriend is trying to get her back. He thinks my husband is “weak, effeminate, and hedonistic” because of his actions. Yeah, whose single and who has the hot wife (me) and the threesomes again? That’s what I thought :rolleyes:

The boyfriend finally called my husband and they had a nice long talk. Boyfriend’s parting shot was “enjoy your life with its Romanesque ways”

I thought that was hilarious.
[/QUOTE]

So having threesomes is effeminate? News to me. Of course, I’m a chick to start with, so I suppose effeminacy doesn’t come into play. The girl did make an error in not informing boyfriend of the supposed openness of their relationship, but he’s also a (no doubt jealous) goon.

52

[QUOTE=Telperien]
So having threesomes is effeminate? News to me. Of course, I’m a chick to start with, so I suppose effeminacy doesn’t come into play. The girl did make an error in not informing boyfriend of the supposed openness of their relationship, but he’s also a (no doubt jealous) goon.
[/QUOTE]

Oh, no doubt a goon. I’ve been feeling zero guilt about this, and I usually feel guilty for everything. I’d probably feel worse if I liked him better, but he is a misanthropic jerk, in general and to her.

53

[QUOTE=SusanStoHelit]
Oh, no doubt a goon. I’ve been feeling zero guilt about this, and I usually feel guilty for everything. I’d probably feel worse if I liked him better, but he is a misanthropic jerk, in general and to her.
[/QUOTE]

As a fellow guilt-sponge, I know just what you mean. But of course, you did nothing wrong. I hope she doesn’t take him back.