Yes, they can, but only if they want to. Doesn’t sound like she thinks that there’s a problem. Therein lies your biggest issue.
A timely article I stumbled across at my credit union’s website:
Couples and Money: Reconciling a Spender-Saver Marriage
When my husband and I got our finances in order, I found looking back to be utterly useless and very discouraging. At first I was all like “we need to figure out how much we’ve been spending on groceries” and the task was daunting, but then I realized it didn’t matter. All we had to do was look at the income we had today, figure out what we SHOULD be spending on groceries given everything else, and move forward accordingly. With numbers I made up: there was no point in trying to figure out if we had been spending $600 or $400: all that mattered is that we couldn’t spend more than $300 from here on out, and we had to make it work. The same applied for every other category of spending. I found “This is your entertainment budget. Make it work” much more doable and even an exciting challenge than “spend half as much as you used to”, which was depressing.
[quote=“misterW, post:40, topic:571541”]
Her rent is more expensive than it could be. If friends suggest they go out to a particular event, or restaurant, etc. I have never seen her turn them down on financial grounds. She tends to run late at times and then take taxis to make up for it. I have a suspicion that her dry cleaning bill might cause me physical illness if I saw it. I think the money just to pay the interest on her debt is fairly significant.
I don’t know, can that add up to a six figure income? This is why I feel I would need to sit down and thoroughly discuss where her money is going each month, item by item, before I made any big commitments. /QUOTE]
See that’s the thing - people who save and scrimp and live under budget cannot imagine a world in which everything that comes in gets spent immediately. That’s you. My cousin also had an extravagant lifestyle and all of her income (and her debt) contributed to it. They led a life because - and here’s the stupid part - they feel they deserve it, like they’ve earned it. This is the hardest mental roadblock to overcome; they feel their lifestyle and their personality is better suited to expensive cosmetics, dinners out (and drinks), nicer clothing, etc. Only suckers buy (non walmart/target/etc) clothing at full retail; is she doing this? The jeans I’m wearing retail for $90, I paid $22 for them. Perhaps she orders most food in ever night or doesn’t know how to grocery shop effectively. Because nicer things are a reflection of their personalities - how refined they are, etc. Has she ever laughed at you because of your saving habits? Said she doesn’t have “time” or “energy” for the savings you work for?
Her lifestyle is simply that of someone far wealthier. Does she really need to dryclean all that stuff, or could she Dryel (at home dryclean) or handwash/delicate wash items herself? Is she taking stuff to the drycleaners that just need ironing and she’s too lazy to do it herself? Obviously she needs to stop taking taxis everywhere; that’s an insane and easily avoidable expense. Is she drinking glass after glass of wine? People who save don’t do this; they BYOB or drink one glass and they’re done.
ETA: Like** Cat Whisperer** said, your credit histories become linked and you essentially assume the lower person’s score. Don’t underestimate how critical this is. You will pay more for cars, mortgages, everything in the future. And yes, if she racks up more debt during marriage, it’s equally on you in the eyes of the law and creditors.
Yeah, probably so, especially in an area with high cost of living. You’d be appalled at how easy it is fritter away that much money on piffling crap. DoctorJ used to work with a guy who was making close to a quarter mil a year, who had to float a $200 check till payday. And we’re not talking about an expensive area, we’re talking rural Appalachia. Granted, he drove a series of flashy cars and had 2 kids to pay a substantial amount of child support, but near as I can tell the bulk of his money went to the sort of thing you’re talking about–events, dinners, clothes, toys, and trips. This kind of story is far from unusual, sadly; there are a whopping lot of doctors who are essentially broke because, hey, they’re doctors and therefore don’t have to worry about money.
There’s a lot in this story which rings alarm bells to me, but the quote above rings great big flashing red ones. She clearly has a completely different attitude towards money than you do. For the relationship to move forward, something will have to change. As other posters have said, difference in attitude to money can be as big a dealbreaker as religion or whether you want children.
I recently loaned some money to my boyfriend. We broke up, but remained (and remain) good friends. I loaned him the money on the understanding of a very strict payment reschedule. When he didn’t pay up on schedule and I challenged him about it, he was so offhand: “Oh, I can’t really afford it this month, I can maybe give you fifty”. And he was affronted and astonished when I reminded him of our agreement, and that I had managed my finances that month on the basis of receiving £200 on a specific date, and I would have to move money back out of my savings account to cover my bills because he had let me down. This concept was utterly alien to him - managing money. He accused me of being heartless and “only caring about money” and went on about “money’s not important - why is it so important to you?”. We didn’t break up over the money - but the whole conversation reinforced to me that finishing with him was the right thing for me to have done. There was absolutely no way our relationship could have progressed when we had completely different attitudes to money.
I hate having any debt, and carefully manage my finances. If I want something, I save up for it. I believe in living within your means - your outgoings must be a penny or more less than your income.
He thinks that makes a heartless penny pinching bitch.
I’m not saying that you and your girlfriend are that far apart in financial ideology, but this does look like a serious red flag to your relationship moving forward. And if it is to move forward, it’s not only your business to know about her finances, but you’ll have to work together as a couple on how to manage finances in future.