How much misinformation and crap can be contained in one document?

The BBQ Pit
1

My dear, beloved, grandfather, who has been, until now, one of my personal heroes, copied me on this letter he sent to our state representatives and the Catholic Free Press.

He told me to pass it on, so I don’t think publishing it here presents a problem.

I don’t even have the heart to take it apart line by line. We have fetuses making career choices. We have abortion doctors who send people to harangue 8-month-pregnant women to have abortions because daddy is unemployed. We have women’s minds magically changed by abortion clinic protestors…

Fenris, buddy, I need you like I have never needed you before.

Anyone want to adopt me? I’m a great kid, really. I clearly need a new family.

THE FIRST KISS

Dear Mom:

How wonderful these two months have been since we were conceived. You don’t presently know that we are twins. But you will know in just a few days. The doctor will present us on television. My sister is beautiful. She and I
can hear people talk. She often kicks harder than I but that is temporary. Wait until I grow up into a man. I will kick so much harder than she ever will. When we both kick at the same time your stomach really expands and hear
you say Boy can it kick!

It has been a week since you last saw the doctor and you now know that you are having twins. My sister and I heard you say “No wonder the kicks were so hard, there are two of them.” We are now eight months old and we would like to stay in your womb forever, it is so comfortable and warm.

My sister and I are eager to suckle the warm milk from you breasts. It will make us grow strong and happy. We cant wait to see you. We both hope to be good children and well-educated students. I want to be a pilot and she wants
to be a teacher.

Only a few more days and you will hold us both in your arms and we will feel the first kiss from you lips. What a wonderful way to come into this new world.

A few days ago, when the abortion clinic director heard that dad lost his job, he sent two women from the clinic to convince you that you must have an abortion.

Please, please mother, we don’t believe what we have just heard. You were talking to the two women who said they were from the abortion clinic. We pray that you will not dash our expectations of a new life by having an abortion.
Please mother. We don’t believe you are capable of doing this. Not after the many years of prayers you have said on your knees asking God to; give you the Divine Grace to conceive.

We heard you say dad has been unemployed for several weeks and you have so little money t support us.

The money makers of the abortion clinic kept hounding you for several days to have an abortion. They promised that you would enjoy life so much better without having to cope
with children. They emphasized the many responsibilities of motherhood. The fact that dad was unemployed and money was scarce. It didn’t matter that you did not have money to abort us. Why should they worry, they get paid for each
abortion no matter how poor a person may be?

As you are nearing the short walk to the abortion clinic, we heard people calling to you from across the street. They said “God is with you and you will be taken car of.” They were members of Planned Parenthood. They were praying very loud and were directing their words towards you. You heard them say, “We at Planned Parenthood will help you with food, clothing and whatever it takes to save you from having an abortion.” You were only a few fee from the entry to the clinic when you heard al of hem pray “God in Thy mercy, comfort her and grant her the Divine Grace to let life from her womb be born.” Those were the words that changed your mind and you now have held us in your arms and given us our FIRST KISS. Thank God for Planned Parenthood.

Love…Husband, Dad, Grandfather, Brother, Uncle, Cousin and Friend.

2

That does swipe the breath out of you.

3

I thought Planned Parenthood supported abortion.

4

I was picturing it ending like an old Mr. Bill skit on Saturday Night Live.

“Oh Noooooooooooooooooooooo”

[sub]Why, yes. I am a sick bastard. Thank you for noticing.[/sub]

5

Magdalene, didn’t you know that abortion clinics send people door-to-door demanding that all pregnant women have abortions? I put on a few pounds last month, and as I was coming home from work, two Planned Parenthood thugs attacked me at my door, dragged me to the clinic and performed an abortion on me before I could even tell them I wasn’t pregnant!

And if you ask me, that is the creepiest-sounding fetus . . . "Wait until I grow up into a man. I will kick so much harder than she ever will . . . My sister and I are eager to suckle the warm milk from you breasts . . . " Yikes!

6

I dunno. It kind of had a wimpy ending. I though it would have been much better if she got into the clinic, had her feet in the stirrups, and Dr. Mengele appeared with some horrible and painful looking contraption.

A tear rolls down her eye.

Suddenly the window breaks, and Jean Claude Van Damme comes flying through!

“Noooooooooooo!” he yells as he kicks the device from the evil Dr. Mengele’s hands.

Suddenly the attendants rush in and attack Van Damme.

The girl tries to get up, but she’s strapped down.

Mengele gets to his feet, and grabs the contraption. He turns it on and an evil “whirrrr” like a dental drill begins to sound.

Van Damme is getting his ass kicked by the burly attendants. One holds him while the other beats him with a tire iron. The girl still struggles as Mengele closes in.

cut to an interior shot of the girls womb. You can hear the signs of the struggles outside, muffled though, even the drill, and lights moving in a slow red haze. The twins join hands and pray.

The sounds of the struggle fade as we hear the women’s heartbeat. The twins heartbeat joins in supeimposed. Louder. Louder. Louder. As they pray.

Cut to the operating room.

Van Damme looks mostly dead. Blood is running everywhere, and his shirt is ripped exposing his hairless chest.

We still hear the heartbeat sounds though, everything seems underwater. Suddenly we hear a sound like an angel singing, and a single beam of light shines through the broken window onto Van Damme’s ruined face.

For a moment, touched by God he is at peace. Suddenly a firm resolve crosses his features. The horrible blows he is taking from the attendants no longer hurt!

He drops into the trademark Van Damme split, and does a double backfist to the groins of the burly attendants. They gasp and bend over, and he drives twin uppercuts into their faces. They collapse.

Van Damme leaps, and grabs the contraption, plunging its point into Mengele’s stomach. It sucks out his intestines into a glass jar as Mengele screams horribly, and dies (this is the poetic justice part.)

“Nowe you know,” Says Van Damme to the dead Dr. “Abortion really sucks.”

Tenderly he unstraps the girl, and picks her up.

“I got a new job.” He says. “It’s not going to be easy, but I think we’ll make it.”

Cut to the womb interior. Both twins have contented smiles on their faces.

Cut to Mengeles’ ruined body. Pan to the window, as the clouds part and the sun shines brightly through the broken glass.

Roll credits

7

Aaargh…brain…exploding…

Why is he pro Planned Parenthood? Isn’t Planned Parenthood like, bad from a pro-life point of view? Or was this an attempt at sarcasm?

Um…I keep promising Deglurgeification Lite, but I’m not sure I can do it for this one.

THE FIRST KISS, Take 2

Dear Mom:

Since my sister and I were only concieved two months ago, I don’t have a functioning brain yet, and as such, have nothing to say…

That’s as light as I can make it. On the other hand, the thermonuclear attack version is below. Use at your own risk:

THE FIRST KISS, Take 3
Rosemary Dearest

Dear Mom:

How wonderful these two months have been since we were conceived. Except for the times when you and dad do the wild thing. I’m getting sea-sick in here! Cut it out. You don’t presently know that we are twins. But you will know in just a few days. The doctor will present us on television. My sister is beautiful. She and I can hear people talk even though we don’t have developed ears or brains to hear with. I know these future events because, I, like my sister am a radioactive mutant demonspawn! I am able to write cogently due to my dark satanic powers. I will be born with eyes that glow in the dark and nations will tremble before me. I will be the might tyrant prophised in the Book of the Revelation of St. John. You just wait until I grow up into a man. I will topple mighty nations, unleash the seven vials, have bar-codes tattooed onto the forhead of Christians. My number is 666
Even now, we’re in control. When we both kick at the same time your stomach really expands and hear you say “Boy can it kick!”. Little do you know that should we choose to expend even the merest fraction of our dark might, we could explode you like the guy in Alien!

It has been a week since you last saw the doctor and you now know that you are having twins. My sister and I heard you say “No wonder the kicks were so hard, there are two of them.” We are now eight months old and are biding our time. Only one month seperates us from the world which will, in time, become our plaything.

My sister and I are eager to suckle milk from your teats and blood from your veins. It will make us grow strong and proud. We can’t wait for you to see us. Our horns, tails and cloven hooves may come as a shock to you, but you will learn to love them. Or else. We both hope to be good children and well-educated students.

Only a few more days and you will hold us both in your arms and we will feel the hard smack of a doctor’s hand against our backs. What an appropriate way to come into this old world.

A few days ago, when the abortion clinic director heard that dad lost his job, he sent two women from the clinic to convince you that you must have an abortion. That was their cover story. The truth is that they were from the Church. The signs and portents told them of my arrival. They will stop at nothing to prevent my birth.

I don’t believe what we have just heard. You were talking to the two women who said they were from the abortion clinic. We pray to my Satanic father that you will not dash our expectations of a new life by having an abortion.

We heard you say dad has been unemployed for several weeks and you have so little money to support us. Merely wait a few weeks and the wealth of nations will run like rivers at your feet.

The people pretending to be the abortion clinic kept hounding you for several days to have an abortion. They promised that you would enjoy life so much better without having to cope with children. They emphasized the many responsibilities of motherhood. The fact that dad was unemployed and money was scarce. It didn’t matter that you did not have money to abort us. Why should they worry, they get paid for each
abortion no matter how poor a person may be? Don’t you see the inconsitancy here? Clearly they want to destroy me, now while I and my sister are vulnerable. And you, you cow, were swayed. The voice of the…lord…spoke in your heart and the enfeebled God gave you just a hint of what my reign of terror will be like. He’s trying to stop me, but I am inevitable. If I didn’t need you for a brood-mare and stalking horse, I would kill you now.

As you are nearing the short walk to the abortion clinic, we heard my minions calling to you from across the street. They lied when they said “God is with you and you will be taken care of.” They were members of a cult which is preparing the world for my arrival. They were praying very loud and were directing their words towards you. You heard them say, “We will help you with food, clothing and whatever it takes to save you from having an abortion.” You were only a few feet from the entry to the clinic when you heard all of them pray “God in Thy mercy, comfort her and grant her the Divine Grace to let life from her womb be born.” Those were the words (along with their mind-altering spells) that changed your mind. You now have held us in your arms and given us our FIRST KISS.

Tomorrow, I think I’ll conquer China.

Love…Damien, The Beast, Anti-Christ and Future Overlord of the Entire World.

Fenris

8

Scylla, that was priceless.

Fenris, I knew you wouldn’t let me down. And I’m glad you didn’t go for Glurge-Lite mode.

9

Magdalene, your grandfather kicks so much ass, the donkeys are running for protection.
Seriously, that sucker’s a work of art. I couldn’t remove enough gray matter from my head to create the glurge spilled through that letter…and believe me, I’ve tried. His will be the stuff of legends as that letter gets passed from hand to hand across America and sent to you five times a day in e-mails from well meaning friends.
Wait until it goes up on snopes! Is there REALLY a talking fetus who got saved from crusading abortionists? He’ll be famous. I wish I was him.

10

Scylla, Fenris! Are you famous screenwriters or comic book creators in your real lives?

11

OK, it’s closer to three months:

“12 weeks - Vocal chords are complete, and the child can and does sometimes cry (silently). The brain is fully formed, and the child can feel pain.” http://www.w-cpc.org/fetal1.html

(not that my brain isn’t exploding too–Planned Parenthood is praying for babies now?!)

12

Gigi, I am highly suspicious of the validity of that Web site you linked to—its language is very “pro-life” (calls it an “unborn child” from the second the sperm meets the egg, and attributes intelligent action to it from that point on, for instance). Tastes like a poisoned well to me . . .

Oh, and Fenris, you are my Hero of the day.

13

I second Eve on that; I was just about to post myself about the incorrectness of calling a fetus a “child”. Emotional arguments aside, a fetus is what an unborn baby is called. As for the OP, oh my. What a world we live in.

14

Fenris, the beer’s on me. You MUST attend le Denver Dopefest. I will drive to pick you up, if I must.

15

I feel I would be remiss if I did not point out that there IS, after all, no real objection to unborn fetuses being airline pilots. Assuming, of course, that they pass all the FAA-approved examinations and that their little feet can reach the pedals.

The problem of providing them with an Airline Pilot uniform I leave as an exercise for the alert reader.

16

Doesn’t it also say that after they are eight months old, they reminice (sp?) about a month ago when their mother was encouraged for an abortion. Now I admit I am not the smartest person, but usually they don’t give abortions 7 months in just because the father isn’t working at the time… Or have I had my head in the ground for too long?

17

How about getting Grandpa a new hobby? Maybe get him involved in something a little less inflammatory, like PETA???/

::ducking and running for cover::

18

Wring, that comment was mean-spirited and shows an evil nature.
I admire that.

:slight_smile:
magdalene: Seriously, I really am curious as to what the heck your granddad was talking about regarding Planned Parenthood. Shouldn’t they be the bad guys? Does that particular bit make any sense to you at all?

Fenris

19

Fenris, in our subsequent email exchange he clarified that he meant the group “Problem Pregnancy”, demonstrating outside the Planned Parenthood clinic. He quickly sent a correction to our state reps.

Sure, he’s an 86 year old man. He’s an American hero - just go read the May 1945, We Will Remember thread… I love him more than anyone in the world. I’ll never change his mind, nor he mine. But how can I let shit like this go?

So, I did the unthinkable. I asked my 86-year-old grandfather for a cite. I asked him to find me one documented example of an abortion clinic director sending people out to convince pregnant women to have abortions. One. And anything from Operation Rescue, etc. didn’t count - it had to be documented by an independent newspaper or U.S. government report.

And to think: I used to be the favorite, you know.

20

Did you see the note? “Pregnancy is counted from the first day of a woman’s last period. This means that at conception, the unborn child is already considered two weeks old!”

Not by me, it isn’t. And not by any other rational, knowledgeable human being.