Use it for a down payment on a house, then after she sees how much money you need to spend on the house, she won’t want the ring anymore.
Most women I know really don’t care much for their wedding sets after they grow up a little. I say don’t waste your money, but then again, my husband had to practically get into a fist fight with me to get any ring. I ended up a platinum band with some channel set diamonds, because I didn’t want any diamonds at all. That was our great compromise, and I think my ring cost something like $600.00-$800.00.
Leave aside for a minute that Biggie Smalls would have found that ring to be a bit much. Also leave aside that a diamond ring is a lousy investment, as evidenced by the number of people you know who have ever bought a used engagement ring. (It’s probably approximately zero.)
Take this advice from someone who has made a similar financial jump in recent years, and who has seen dozens of others do the same–TAKE YOUR BONUS AND PUT IT IN THE BANK. OK, if you have credit card debt, use some to pay it off. But take the rest, put it in a money market account, and don’t make any plans for it in the immediate future.
Starting up in life can cost a lot. You might borrow 100% to buy a house, but how are you going to put furniture in it? What if the furnace goes tits up? What if you need a new fence? What happens when the dog needs expensive surgery? What’s going to happen when tax bills you never expected start to show up? What are you going to do if you end up owing the IRS next April? What if you have to move, and the market changes, and you have to take a loss when you sell your house? (Yes, all these things and more happened to me since I graduated from med school.)
Sure, a lot of those things can be anticipated, but there’s a lot to learn when you go from having no money to having money. I’ll almost guarantee a few occasions in the next couple of years when you’ll need a kilobuck or two that you didn’t anticipate, and you’ll be way better off with a cushion in the bank to absorb it.
And don’t think you can buy that $18k ring and still have $12k to put away in the bank. That bonus gets taxed, and it probably comes from a harsh bracket.
Maybe you’re independently wealthy already, or maybe you have more sense about this than most. But I’ve seen a lot of people go from student poverty to six figures in the last few years, and you’d be surprised how many of them end up living paycheck to paycheck and piling up debt. It’s almost the rule rather than the exception, and the #1 culprit is high-dollar purchases of non-appreciating assets. Just say no. Thank me later.
Brainiac4 and I have a six figure household income. It spends a lot faster than you think it will - and we live in a modest home, with two kids, drive VWs instead of BMWs, take relatively modest vacations. I don’t have expensive jewelry and no one buys expensive clothes (Brainiac4 would, but he doesn’t). A splurgy bottle of wine is over $20 and my last pair of shoes was bought at Nordstrom’s Rack ($120 shoes for $30!) Our big luxury expenses are the broadband connection and MMORG subscriptions. We go out to eat too often, and I buy expensive groceries nowadays (lots of organics that I wouldn’t justify on a smaller income).
Its REALLY REALLY easy to believe six figures will put you on easy street and you should be able to afford $18,000 engagement rings and his and hers BMWs. And its really easy to end up in bankruptcy with a six figure income.
There is always the chances as well (as I’m sure Doctor J will attest) that you won’t like what you do. I know a lot of former lawyers and former doctors who decided they wanted a different life - get yourself too far into the six figure lifestyle (we haven’t) and being able to simplify your life becomes more complicated.
You are at the cusp of being able to scupt your life. Make a plan and don’t just start digging into the marble. Make sure she agrees to to the plan, so she doesn’t dig into the marble from the other side with other ideas. You’ll end up with the life you want that way, but it will take more effort up front.
That’s exactly what we did for my wife’s engagement ring, down to the cost and everything. We got the wedding bands there as well as well as other jewlery now and then.
I really think you need to find out if it is the ring or the name that she is looking for. The people who are saying that you should leave her are being as unreasonable as spending that much on the ring IMHO.
If you are looking to surprise her with the engagement get a big fake ring and then sit down and have a talk about what she wants. Lay out the finances. How much will you be spending on a wedding? Are you going to need a down payment on a house? What kind of dept are you in now? After working out all those numbers find a budget for the ring that you both can agree on and go shopping. Do your homework, go to the stores in advance and find a place that has a similar ring for cheaper. Bring her there first. Make a day of it, and make it special. Don’t just drag each other to jewelry store after jewelry store. Do other stuff as well, go out for dinner and then to the theatre, make the whole day an event. And let her know that once you are in a better place financially she can get her honker of a ring if she wants it. Some women see what they want and will not take no for an answer, she has to know that it is not no, it is just not yet.
Precisely. It’s just as possible to live beyond your means on $100k a year as it is on a student income. Ask people who’ve won the lottery and ended up worse off financially. And, IANAFinancial Advisor, but IMO, “I’ll be making lots of money, why not splurge?” is a rather dangerous way to be thinking…
IANAJeweler, but I’d be shocked if this were the case. The issue with second-hand engagement rings isn’t the uniqueness of the rings themselves, but the fact that a lot of people, for one reason or another, have problems with the concept of a used engagement ring (other than a family heirloom).
Go on ebay and search for Tiffany engagement rings sometime- it will be an eye-opener.
If you go here halo and pave settings can be purchased for much cheaper than Tiffany’s depending on the work done and size of the centre stone. For example the Ritani Endless love collection is similar to the Legacy.
The first time I walked into a Tiffany’s was with my then fiancée just to see. We were staying at a hotel in Seattle connected to it so our curiosity got the better of us. So we looked at engagement rings with having no idea what they cost and we were sure shell shocked. We walked out of it the exact words that came out of my husbands mouth was “they are the price of a car”. And he had a concerned look on his face. But after many months of research and such I choose my own stone and setting through pricescope and we couldn’t be happier with it. My husband always says look how shiny my ring is. And I love my e ring set and will never upgrade. But I don’t have a Tiffany’s, because they are overpriced and I wanted to choose my centre stone cut. I have a Michael B design. But their not investments that you can get your money back with but you can pass it down to your kids for example. If you can afford it and are not going into debt, than get what she likes or something comparable.
I got a nice half-bezel, almost flush-set engagement ring that I wear every day (we agreed that one of those solitaire rings was a deadly weapon in my hands ). We won the diamond at a party early on in our relationship or I would have probably gone for a beautiful sapphire instead - I have no particular attachment to diamonds. We won the diamond from an independent jewellery store (The Goldsmiths, for any Calgarians), and we went to them and designed my engagement ring together. It has settings on the sides in which I plan to add more small diamonds for our 10th wedding anniversary.
I guess my point is make your engagement and wedding rings mean something to you other than where you got them and the price you paid for them. Mine has stories to go with it.
ETA: My husband thinks my diamond is a Canadian diamond, but I don’t recall whether it is or not. I have to go ask them some day. I would also prefer not to have a blood diamond, even if we did win it.
If your not married yet I’d suggest you get a fix on a few things that you will be spending money on in the next few years to decide how much you really want to spend.
You spend $20K or more on an engagement ring from Tiffanys what is she going to want for a wedding ring? Better ask her before she says she really likes the matching Tiffanys one.
I’m sure a wedding is forthcoming. Exactly how big of a wedding is she expecting and who’s going to be paying for it? Certainly a guy who spent $20K on an engagement ring will spend twice that on a wedding.
What type of house does she expect to live in once your married? Does she have a “dream house” in mind? Does she want a “new” house? Better find out.
What kind of car does she drive and how many miles are on it? Certainly once your married and rolling in the dough she’ll want a new car. Is she going to tell you she really likes the Lexus convertible?
Just want you to be aware that once you set the standard with a $20K ring you put forth in motion a whole series of purchases that need to live up to that standard.
gatorman, you sound like you don’t think your SO is very rational. Would you really consider lying to her about this? Do you think she won’t understand if you explain that you think you can’t afford that ring? If you actually feel that way, or if she actually wouldn’t understand, you’ve got some non-diamond issues going on. I’m assuming she didn’t flat-out demand the ring, but what you’re saying indicates you think she would have a problem with it if you don’t buy it.
Amen to that. We have a 6 figure income too and the new class of the incoming clueless don’t know what is about to happen. We do have nice things but we almost never pay retail for them. Our house was an almost unihabitable fixer upper that took five years of almost constant labor to restore. We lived without a kitchen at all for the first year and grilled outside every night. My car wasn’t only used but bought at a wholesale auction with the help of a family member with a dealer’s license. Almost all my clothes come from gifts or from TJ Maxx. We take great “vacations” but they are usually paid for by my wife’s work as an extension for some kind of conference for me and the girls to meet me there.
It takes an amazing amount of struggle and discipline even for a family with a 6-figure income to live the way that newcomers think will be a given. People that get in the habit of dropping 5 figures on objects of standard-setting yet frivolous symbolism simply aren’t going to make it. People with lots of income have no immunity whatsoever over debt slavery and financial ruin. No one thinks it will happen to them but others often see it coming.
If you’re very good, Sparky and I will take you with us the next time we wander through Tiffany and critique the jewelry. I’m sure you’d have a blast. But you’re right: women do have a tendency to look at things, exclaim over them, and never imagine for a minute that we’ll get them. But remember The Gift of the Magi: he remembers how she covets the combs, even though she has no hope ever of having them. And maybe that’s what’s going on in the OP: she’s mentioned wanting the ring, without hope of having it; and he, because he loves her, wants to buy it for her. But who knows if she really wants it?
This is true; most of the women I work with only wear the wedding band. And not to knock the ring at issue, but it isn’t a very “classic” style. It’s certainly unique, but I don’t know how enduring her appreciation for it will be. It may well be that in a couple years, it will no longer be her taste.
And wouldn’t that suck, to have $15K sitting in a drawer gathering dust.
$18k rings…I just don’t move in those circles. Those circles make me queasy. I think my ring was $130 (or it might’ve been $230). You could commission an artist to make you a totally unique ring for, what, maybe a grand or two at most.
We thought my dh would be making “the bucks” once he graduated, too, but it didn’t work out that way. We just finally bought our first house last year, 10 years after he finished his Ph.D. (and 18 years into our marriage).
Nice O’Henry reference. Yeah, it’s entirely possible that the fiancee in question has no serious interest in that kind of expense, which still begs the question of communication. Personally, I’d be wigged out by some woman demanding a $20k+ ring; and while I’m not a woman, if I did have that plumbing, I think I’d still be concerned about a guy throwing that kind of money into a frivolous luxury with no payoff.
But that’s just personal opinion, and everybody has their priorities. I wouldn’t balk (too much) at spending low six figures on a world-spanning months long honeymoon trek to the far corners of the Earth; I’d consider that to be a shared lifetime experience and worth every penny. No doubt others would consider that an utter waste. After all, just think of how many years of TiVo you could get for that! (Ugh!) If the o.p. is happy dropping that kind of coin on a piece of jewelry, more power too him. But it sounds like he has doubts, and in my opinion, very reasonable ones.
I mentioned this thread to my gentleman friend last night and he made a good point. Among his reasons for not wanting a woman who’d wear such a ring were the simple fact that wearing marks someone who has a lot of money and is willing to spend more than most people would. This could be a real disadvantage when doing things like buying a house or a car or even negotiating prices for a wedding. After all, what’s a real estate agent or seller going to think when you’re wearing a down payment on your finger?
Knowing a few real estate agents, they’ll likely think “let’s spend some time with this one!”
Conversely, my wife, who could make a penny scream for mercy, constantly gets irritated when salespeople blatantly ignore her because she doesn’t look like a person who would spend money.
Only a jeweler could tell if it was a fake or the real deal, so I don’t think it would have any bearing on anyone’s guesstimation of your worth. In fact, when I see a really big ring on someone, I assume it’s a fake unless they tell me otherwise (and believe me, the “it’s real!!!” crowd definitely exists. :rolleyes: )
If you’re going to look at an engagement ring as an investment, gatorman, then I’d say you’re just as cynical as the woman who is craving it. Under what circumstances do you expect to realize the market value of the thing?
). We won the diamond at a party early on in our relationship or I would have probably gone for a beautiful sapphire instead - I have no particular attachment to diamonds. We won the diamond from an independent jewellery store (The Goldsmiths, for any Calgarians), and we went to them and designed my engagement ring together. It has settings on the sides in which I plan to add more small diamonds for our 10th wedding anniversary.
But you’re right: women do have a tendency to look at things, exclaim over them, and never imagine for a minute that we’ll get them. But remember The Gift of the Magi: he remembers how she covets the combs, even though she has no hope ever of having them. And maybe that’s what’s going on in the OP: she’s mentioned wanting the ring, without hope of having it; and he, because he loves her, wants to buy it for her. But who knows if she really wants it?