I do have sympathy for people who haven’t realised that what they’re dealing with is abuse, and that’s because I’ve been there. Hitting you is so clear-cut, so obviously abusive that there should never be a question about it - it’s the emotional abusers that are sneaky, and that’s what I dealt with. It’s hard to see that you’re being manipulated into isolation when he’s just always so concerned for your welfare. He never forbids you to go anywhere! No, of course not. He just worries about you when you’re out, and calls frequently to check you’re ok because he’s so worried and wants to know you’re ok! Oh, and because he misses you, and isn’t that so sweet. So maybe it would just be better to stay home today rather than go out and worry the guy when he already has so much on his plate…
And when he comes home and he’s had a bad day at work, you don’t enjoy the conversations but he’s not yelling at you, he’s just yelling because he had a bad day and he’s venting, and you’re there to listen to him and let him get it out, and it would be silly to think he’s yelling at you, he’s not even mad with you! He’s mad with those jerks at work and they’ve got him so worked up that he can’t even talk about it without raising his voice. So he’s just yelling to you, in front of you, because he needs to get it off his chest and he can talk to you about anything because that’s how close you are. So you don’t enjoy it and you don’t look forward to it, but whenever he’s upset about something you can sit there while he yells and gets it off his chest and try to help him feel better about it. And then he’s coming home every day in a bad mood, and instead of thinking that you’re sick of him coming home in these moods you grow more worried because it’s not like him, and clearly he’s under a lot of strain if he needs to yell so much, so often, just to get through his day.
And then suddenly you’re sitting alone at home all day, every day, waiting for him to walk through the door and yell at you for half an hour about the jerks and morons he works with, but you don’t think of that as abuse. You’re just a caring wife who stays home rather than stress her already-stressed husband further, and he’s just a guy who’s under too much pressure at work.
And then one day you’re out of it and you look back at it and you see it for what it was and yet you still can’t even pinpoint when “I miss you when we’re apart.” and “Man, I work with some jerks! Let me tell you about my day.” became emotional abuse.