The first thing that parents tell their kids when they’re getting a divorce is that it’s not their fault. Which is always true. But this doesn’t mean that kids can’t change the dynamics of a relationship such that it’s not sustainable. Children are stressful at all ages, no matter how healthy and happy everyone is. If the couple can’t handle that stress, they will fall apart.
What I imagine sucks (I can only imagine since I don’t have first- or second-hand knowledge of this) is that few are able to see it coming before it’s too late. The two partners may equally both want children, but then sadly their “dreams” don’t match up to “reality”. Maybe they didn’t count on having two colicky twins, or a kid with severe handicaps, or they underestimated how expensive children would be and despair at the lack of disposable income. Or maybe they imagined that their spouse would be more helpful with house duties, or their spouse has turned into an unpleasant person now that they’re juggling kids and work.
I’m curious how often you think this happens, where the kids doom the marriage? And are there any signs that prospective partners can look out for to figure out if they’re at risk?
Kids can doom marriages in other ways as well. I’ve seen it happen where one partner suddenly devotes all their energy to the child, and neglects their spouse. It’s easier to grow apart when there are no common interests outside of the child.
I work in family law. I can’t even count the number of divorced couples I’ve seen who were already having problems before they had children, but believed having kids would work as a band-aid or bring them closer together. In those cases I wouldn’t necessarily say the kids doomed the marriage, but they certainly spurred its demise. The problems you have in your relationship are only going to be magnified once you have the stress of trying to raise kids together.
Losing a child or having a child go through a serious illness can also be a major factor in a divorce. People handle stress and grief in much different ways.
I should think it’s even more common for second (and subsequent) marriages to break up over the stress of parenting step kids. It’s not that either the kids or step-parents are bad or even lacking. Expectations and ways of parenting can differ so much that the situation is ready-made with potential issues, especially when hostile exes enter the picture too.
One of my classmates died in an accident (alcohol was involved). The mother was already known to have a few drinks at social gatherings (nothing bad / sloppy, but it was as such that my parents would take note), and afterwards, things only got worse. This, plus the shock / horror / reality of losing their son alienated the father, and they got divorced a few years later.
I know a guy who intends to divorce his wife over this issue.
His wife has a teenage son from a prior marriage, who basically dropped out of school and spends all his time on computer games. He (the step-father) despises the kid, and believes he turned out the way he did because of his wife’s permissive ways as a parent. The couple themselves have a son who is about 6 or so, and the guy is frustrated by seeing his wife bringing up the kid the same way as the step-son.
I’ve pointed out to him that if he does get divorced he will have a lot less influence over his son’s upbringing than if he stays together. His responses to this point have been cryptic, but I’m guessing that he finds the daily stress of seeing his wife “ruining” his kid harder to deal with than just knowing about it from more of a distance.
I’m not sure if he’ll go through with it in the end. He’s been talking this way for several years with no actual moves (that I know of) and he’s recently ceased referring to his wife as “my future ex”. But he did recently suggest to me that in a few years he won’t be married to her.
At any rate, I can see where this type of thing can cause the breakup of a marriage, especially if there are others issues (as there so frequently are).
I have a wonderul wife and a wonderful son… but there’s no question that our son HAS put a strain on our marriage at times. He has major ADHD and requires the kind of constant attention that I’d mock as “helicopter parenting” in anyone else.
We genuinely love being with him and doing things with him, but that can take up so much of our time that it’s very hard to find time for ourselves, individually or together. And caring for him can vbe very stressful.
Look, my Mom had 4 boys, and I know we could be hard to deal with. But when my Mom had work to do or just a book she wanted to read, and she needed a few hours alone, she could tell us, “Go out and play til dinner time” or “Go ride your bikes, and come home when it gets dark.”
My wife and I can’t do that with our son- he has so little impulse control that he needs to be watched like a hawk constantly.
Now, he IS improving, thank God! But the point is, a kid with special needs can be a real source of stress even for parents who adore each other. My wife and I HAVE snapped or even yelled at each other over our parenting styles, or due to stress our son brings on.
This has been a big issue for my husband and I, unfortunately. Despite working full time as a lawyer, I do about 98% of the child care. Did I mention that I’m pregnant with our second? It is scary and stressful, and his lack of “fatherly-ness” has taken a bit of a toll on my image of him as a husband.
He has stepped up to the plate a bit with house work, and we are closer to 50-50 with general house upkeep. Plus he finally succumbed to my demand for house cleaners (twice a month).
But he just doesn’t do any of those Dad kind of things that I expected. I play outside with my son. I have taught him how to throw a baseball, kick a soccer ball, ride his tricycle, make mud pies, etc… The ONLY time he spends alone time with our son is when I have to go into work for a couple of hours on a random weekend, or go out for a girl’s night (3x a year).
I suppose I could have guessed this about him. He and I are both gamers, and would rather be playing video games than almost anything. We are both homebodies (me to a lesser extent). But I remember having conversations when we were dating about how he lamented the fact that his father worked so much when he was a kid… how his Dad only ever played golf with him 3 or 4 times… etc. It was weird to me, since I had at least one, if not both parents, at every soccer and field hockey game from 6 years old through college. But he made it sound like that wasn’t the kind of Dad he wanted to be, unfortunately, it seems like that is the kind of Dad he is going to be.
I don’t think this is divorce-worthy, necessarily. I do love him. He still makes me laugh like no other person. But I probably love him less than I would if he was a more involved Dad. Or at least, if he participated in child care more, I might have more time to breathe and reflect on what a great guy I married. As of right now, my entire day is regimented down to the minute between work and caring for a toddler. It will be even worse in two weeks when number 2 arrives. :eek:
Ahhh yes. Kids definitely put a strain on things anytime there’s inequality in the duties in the marriage. It really does take both parents working equally, both at parenting and in the work of the home, in order for everyone to stay sane and get time to take a breath.
And there are inequities too, as you pointed out, in how parents perceive their roles: Is coaching Little League expected? Just watching the kid’s games? No formalized sports, but teaching him / her to play ball? The parent playing video-games (or other adult-focused activities) in most of his/ her spare time and doing none of those things with the kid? I really don’t know how you’d negotiate these things ahead of time - resolutions can change - but parental precedent will definitely have an impact. Your spouse could just have easily decided NOT to be like his dad and to be very involved and hands-on. From my point of view also, he’s losing out by not doing that. I hope for you that the second kid helps to turn the tide there.
I knew there would be some issues, in a sense. His parents had kind of a crap marriage, and his mom died when he was in law school. She had diabetes and had been not doing great for a number of years before that. So there was not a ton of stability and routine when he was a kid. Both of his parents come from large, old, blue blood families… crazy estates with will contests, and law suits, and disowned siblings, etc… So I definitely knew going in that we were going to have different notions of family unit. His sister is also a bit crazy, certifiable, and they are not close.
But you take the bad with the good, and he has A LOT of good. He and I are real partners in our relationship, and both bread winners… so we don’t have any of that traditional gender-role crap to deal with. He loves and respects me tremendously, both as his wife and a colleague. He is very motivated and ambitious, and a very good businessman. His vices tend to be of the very vanilla variety.
I think there are some things that you have to do first, to know if you are going to be good at it. And I think having kids is one of those things. Like I said, I don’t think it is grounds for divorce that my husband is not going to be my kid’s t-ball coach. I was a college athlete. I can teach my kid to throw a ball. But there is some disappointment there. Mostly for my kids.
But I can definitely see where these kinds of fundamental differences, that really only rear their ugly head when you have kids, could drive a wedge between two people who would otherwise be happily married. The stress of kids can bring out the best and worst in you.
I had a co-worker whose two children were both diagnosed with autism. The marriage did not survive much beyond the second diagnosis. According to her, it was just too hard and he left.
Uhm, sounds like your friend needs to talk with a family therapist to seek some guidance, because sitting back and not really thinking of practical ways to address his kid being “ruined” (we’ll assume he could give a shit about the marriage), but instead fixating on dumping the wife as the solution doesn’t seem to be a productive approach. (He can have as much or as little influence as a divorced father as he pleases, in fact, just as he can have as much or little influence as he wants now.) An objective person can help him assess whether he’s full of shit and distracting himself from harder work/self-examination or, if not, what he should do for the sake of his kid so this third party is not “ruined”.
I work with alot of families of special needs and they do have a high divorce rate.
This one SOB I knew, he walked out of his marriage when he found out all the resources his newly diagnosed kid was going to require. He was such a self centered POS who only cared for himself. Granted his Dad did the same to him.
