It should be noted here that prison rape is far, far rarer than most of us have been led to believe. It does occur, of course, but the frequency has been highly exaggerated in popular culture.
Yes, but I would also tell my daughter that if she is in danger, to get away and remove herself physically from the situation as quickly as possible. If you can get up and walk away and you are not being held down, I would advise you to do so. Sometimes “no” is not enough, and if you can remove yourself from the situation, then do so. I am sure his migraine was awful, but I am sure he could have rolled over if he really tried. If I was being raped, you better believe I would be rolling over and getting away any way I could.
Well, legally, in all US states except one (which one, of course, I cannot recall), a finding of rape requires either force, threats against the victim’s safety, or inability to consent. Sex in the absence of consent (or even with explicitly denied consent) but without one of the above factors is not rape, although it may be some lesser form of sexual assault. I don’t necessarily agree with this definition, but that’s what’s on the books as of now.
JRB
Are you implying that rape is defined by how physically active the victim is in trying to get away?
:dubious:
I was probably physically capable of shoving her off.
However, my migraines are such that the smallest movement, raising my voice, or really doing anything that causes the slightest change in the pressure in the blood vessels of my brain, feels like somebody’s rapped me quickly and forcefully between the eyes with a ball peen hammer.
So for me, it became a question of which would be more painful: letting her grind away until she was satisfied or bored, or throwing her off of me (and dealing with the inevitable argument.)
I chose the former. Hence my confusion.
As a woman, I’ve done that before, just done it because it was the lesser of two evils. I didn’t consider it rape, but that doesn’t preclude your right to do so.
I would feel violated, but not raped… Your ex-gf was a rude, uncaring and inconsiderate bitch, but it wasn’t rape. If I had to choose between the discomfort of moving during a migraine (“like somebody’s rapped me quickly and forcefully between the eyes with a ball peen hammer”) or being raped, I would choose the former every time. You made a choice - with rape, you don’t have a choice… who would choose to be raped if they had another option?
So if you’re raped at knifepoint it isn’t rape? Even if it’s, say, a very small knife? Or somebody just says they have a knife? What if they have your arm behind your back and you stop struggling because it hurts like hell to try to get out of it?
Yeah, if the threat was a literal ball peen hammer, I think I’d be just so afraid–if they’re willing to use the threat of violence on me, what else will they do?
You can keep an erection through a vomiting-sick headache? (And if migraines are worse than than a blood sugar spike-crash headache, I shudder to imagine it.)
Erection is a largely involuntary reflex.
Don’t be obtuse. If I am threatened with force and serious bodily injury – such as someone with a lethal weapon or who is bigger and stronger and could forcibly overpower me and hold me down, then I don’t have a choice, now do I? Black rabbit had a choice – he could have shoved her off or rolled over. Doing so would have caused him discomfort and pain, but not certain death or severe bodily harm (i.e. an injury such as being stabbed with a knife). He chose to do nothing, to avoid “dealing with the inevitable argument,” as he said. He was the victim of a selfish and mean girlfriend, not a rapist.
Getting away is, of course, the smartest thing a person can do in that situation, but people don’t always do the smart thing. Failure to do the smartest thing possible doesn’t make it not rape.
One of the most common themes I’ve found in an abuse survivors community I’m a part of is a sense of confusion. Not everyone is angry, or violated, or dehumanized, but a great many of them were confused when it happened, particularly in cases of acquaintance rape. We expect other human beings to listen to us when we say no. We expect to have a certain level of autonomy over our bodies. When these expectations aren’t met, not everyone immediately jumps to shoving and fighting and blowing whistles. A lot of people go quiet and still, or zone out.
Now I’m not a particularly stupid person, but when I was assaulted I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. This didn’t match my expectations of intimacy. I’d said no, I was trying to keep my clothes on, and he was ripping them off and touching me even after I expressed pain. Only when I tried to leave in a very placating manner and he actually violently grabbed me did the confusion evaporate and I was able to recognize exactly what was going on. That’s when survival instincts kicked in and I got violent right back. Not everyone is “lucky” enough to get the wake up call of a hand around his or her throat to recognize what’s happening.
If it doesn’t escalate to a violent confrontation, it can be difficult to recognize it when you’re in the middle of it, but if someone is touching you sexually without your permission and doing things to you that you have not given your consent for, that is wrong in a way that goes beyond “rude” or “selfish.”
I have heard mostly about what I call “regret sex,” where the guy was like I didn’t want to do it, but I was drunk and he forced me.
To me that’s a form of rape
I’ve known gay guys who say they are raped, but if you question them, it always turns into the “regret sex,” type thing.
Like he’ll say “he raped me.” So he beat you up or had a gun or knife?" “Well no, but I was drunk?” “Well then how did he force you?” “I don’t know I thought he might have hit me?” “But he didn’t?” “Well no,”
So yes maybe he would’ve hit the person, who knows, but the I’m walking down the street and a stranger comes and rapes me, probably doesn’t happen much.
I was the victim of a gay bashing years ago (they broke 7 teeth) and as soon as I showed them I was willing to fight, they left.