Oooo…you’re good!
This is the best thread I’ve seen in a long time.
Thank you for this fantastic quote, and for actually making me laugh out loud. The idea of a cravat is hilarious all by itself. I think I might start wearing them. If a female wears a cravat in an attempt to be self-awarely, ironcially pretentious, is that meta or actually pretentious?
I recommend that if asked what you do for a living, you say something like, “Oh, a bit of this and that.” When pressed further, talk about your film that’s currently in post-production, being rotoscoped. When asked to summarize the plot, say that it’s really difficult to describe in words because it draws on your deep understanding of metaphysics. So difficult to describe in words, in fact, that your initial medium of choice - le livre - proved itself too limited in dimension to properly express themes so recondite.
I’m sure the Pope has better things to do with his time than read the adventures of Asterix & Obelix in Latin, but even if it wasn’t automatically Pretentious, it’d certainly be Showing Off. 
Provided none of your friends are given to such bourgeois intellectual pursuits such as “Reading Popular Fiction” or “Modern(ish) History” then you can also have some fun by casually mentioning that the sword hanging over the fireplace belonged (or so you are reliably informed, from a seller of the highest integrity and trustworthiness) to none other than Sir Harry Flashman VC, or that your great-great grandfather brought the Ivory for your Victorian chess set (you have got an antique chess set prominently set up in mid-game somewhere in your living room, right?) from none other than Alan Quatermain himself. 
I thought of a couple of other things. DO NOT play golf. It is much too plebian and trashy these days. Choose your sports carefully. A good everyday sport is crochet (see the movie Heathers).
The ultimate sport for your purposes is falconry. You probably won’t ever meet anyone else that does it. Have someone take the photos and display them prominently in your apartment.
Oh, how I LOATHE “Keep Calm and Carry On”. I harbour a fervent desire to print one with some sort of cherry bomb or anarchy sign in place of the crown, and the text edited to “Kick Ass and Carry On.”
Which, I think, would be even more pretentious. But less ghastly and twee.
Err…croquet?
For me, there are different ways to be pretentious:
- I know people you don’t,
- I have things you don’t,
- I know things you don’t,
- I have visited places you haven’t,
and so on. Cover all those bases.
When you serve food, be sure to use a full table setting. Serve escargot just so they’ll be confused about which fork to use, for instance…avoid starting in on yours because they may copy your fork selection. Their ignorance will reveal itself. Ditto on the wine glass, water glass, etc.
Naturally you regale them with the story of how you bought those escargot forks and tongs the first…no, it was the third…time you visited Paris. At a little antique shop because they didn’t have anything you liked in the hoidy toidy places.
I think if you can make them afraid to ask questions, you win.
The people we bought our house from were so pretentious they pronouced it “AH-KAYA”.
While they were giving us the walk through my with asked if they would leave the kitchen island butcher block. The woman snootily replied “Yes, well… you see…we bought that special order at the AH-KAYA and we …blah …blah …blah”. I almost spit the water I was drinking right there in her face!
The best part was when she mentioned being from B.C. so I mentioned I had a sister in Vancouver. Whoa! She gets extremely indignant says “Well…we are from VICTORIA” like I’ve just insulted the queen.
We liked the house but it was way overpriced so we gave a conditional verbal offer about 40 thousand less than asking. It took three months but they eventually called us. We got the house but they took the island with them. Pricks!
As for being pretentious, I’d go with bare white walls with track lighting accenting nothing and the mandatory hardwood floors. In the middle of the room have one black rectangular obelisk with a Bakelite bowl on it. That’s it!
When you have people over insist they bring their own dishes, glasses, etc. and have them take them home after.
In Absolutely Fabulous, Eddie expects a visit from terminally pretentious friends. She flashes back to a memory of their chilly, minimalist flat as she contemplates the flaws of her own place. (Which most of us would consider fairly pretentious.)
(I love YoutTube!)
:eek: Wait a minute! Is Ikea considered upscale where you are? Here, it’s the standard Modernist store of refuge for students and families with not a lot of budget. It’s a ritual for the new student, just moved out of the parents’ house, to go to Ikea and buy bookshelves. 
People in Toronto who want to be pretentious try for the Old English Lord look: Victorian or Tudor. If they want to be Modernist and pretentious, they shop at designer boutiques in Yorkville (or that Art Shoppe place if they don’t have the budget).
That’s why it was so funny! For a split second I thought it was some boutique shop, then I realized she meant IKEA!
In Ottawa, the pretentious ones flock to the “antique” and independant boutiques in the Glebe and Old(e) Ottawa South. Most are DINKs, quasi-eco-yuppies, and helicopter parents. But mostly pricks and NIMBY whiners.
Booby Phlegm … I mean Bobby Flay …
he is enough of a jackass that I would make him the butt of this type of joke=)
Actually I have the HP firebird … and a 26" flatscreen monitor
i didn’t realize they were pretentious … I just like playing all 3 of my EVE online accounts at the same time 
No, no. Full-contact crochet. Great sport for needling your opponents, then tying them up when they become emotional and lose it. The world championship is quite the spectacle.
hmmm, I think we have about 3 seabags of charts that mrAru’s sub was going to throw away, I had been thinking of papering the bathroom walls with them. Not sure but I think they are the atlantic coast of the US from Groton to Kings Bay
I am sure that naval charts could be used in some pretentious manner =)
After my mom passes I will have the perfect pretentious goodies for a small home office. I even know the room in the house I want to buy where I will set up my pretentiosness
I am going to be inheriting a bunch of great furniture …
bow armed morris chair that belonged to my paternal grandfather, original leather is still pristine and was originally bought in 1922
original 1903 desk chairfrom my great grandfather and a stickly roll top desk that was a match to the office chair, both from G’grandfathers personal office.
I also have an original tiffany lamp and a barristers bookcase, all original to my greatgrandfathers home office.
The only thing that I dont have from his office is the persian carpet … it got zorched in the fire that partially fried my parents house.
I even have this hideous painting in the 1950s modern style , thickly laid on grey tones of paint looking like archaic city walls, and a red cord dangling. I have the wierd feeling it is a Peter Hayward for some reason. I also have some of those similar styled street scenes of Greenwich Village also from the mid 50s I picked up at a garage sale.
Red vinyl couch, with a dalmatian laying on it.