Help!! I’m tired of being nice, friendly, compassionate and all that other namby-pamby stuff. I tried being aloof, but I just didn’t care for it that much.
I’ve made a decision; the new me will be pretentious.
B’cept I don’t know how. This is where y’all come in. Give me pointers! I know I’m starting at quite a deficit, in that asking for help is not very pretentious at all, but hopefully this shows just how desparate I am and how truly in need of your help am.
Please help me to be pretentious.
(pretty please? WACOT?)
Thanks!
(will I be allowed to thank people once I’m pretentious?)
Oh, please. Trying to be pretentious is so last season, darling. Now pass me another bottle of Asahi while I book the tickets for the Lars von Trier retrospective.
OK. Help me narrow some things down. Here’s the pretentious checklist:
Cigarettes: Clove (thanks andygirl or Turkish spice. Yes?
Smoking method:
Cupped in hand like rugged sailor?
Pinched between thumb and tip of index finger like a doobie?
In the V between first and second finger?
Music:
Jazz?
World Beat?
Whatever nobody else is listening to?
Tea:
Earl Grey?
Darjeeling?
Oolong?
Wine:
Merlot?
Beaujolais?
Retsina?
Ripple ? (just kidding about that last one.)
Sense of humor:
Yes?
No?
Clothing:
Expensive/designer?
Trendy?
As long as it’s black?
Transportation:
Mass Trans?
Chauffeur?
Grocery getter?
Mini-SUV
Foreign ?
Sports Car?
Wagon Queen Family Truckster?
Foot?
Recumbent bicycle?
Beg-a-ride?
Listen to the social commentators and various announcers on NPR, they have pretentious down cold. Bonus for self-indulgent, smug and annoyingly superior attitude that most of the NPR on-air types revel in (other then Car Talk).
With practice and patient NPR host mimicking, you can become the pompous ass your friends love to hate!
Music : some kind of minimalist Japanese drum n’ bass. Tea : green tea, even when not eating Japanese. Alcohol : imported bottled lager, not from North America or Europe. South American or South East Asian, preferably with a slice of lime in the neck. Clothing : overpriced designer T-shirts in primary colours with Japanese animated movie stills. Transportation : scooter.
Well, now, aside from the affectations mentioned in your last post, Spritle (and BTW, I vote for a cigarette holder, Jazz (the more obscure the better–Miles and Coltrane are so done), Oolong, Shiraz, Yes-but-very-wry-and-dry, designer (see comment re: jazz and apply to Donna Karan and Kate Spade)… then top it all off with a 70s model Land Cruiser, just so you appear “down to earth”), you’ll want to come up with some catch phrases; adjective clauses that involve repetition are good such as “So very very” and “Ohh licky licky”.
Well, you obviously haven’t read Camus’ The Absurd Man. Perhaps we can discuss this further after you’ve done your homework, non?
::sigh:: With public education being what it is, I am sorely afraid that the current generation will never truly be able to appreciate the historic cultural context in which a dialogue on the nature of pretensiousness must occur.
Make cryptic comments that sound like they could be intended as jokes, but no one else will get them. This will make people uncomfortable, as your mind is clearly operating on a level above theirs.
Never deign to laugh at something someone else intended to be funny.
Every chance possible, remind everyone that you don’t have cable TV and how they should give up theirs.
(2a. When they mention that you used to have TV, tell them that you only ever watched it for PBS.)
When, whilst hosting a fancy wine-and-cheese tasting party at your place, someone notices that you still own a TV, mention very loudly how you only use it to watch your vast collection of Foreign Films and Feature Documentaries.
Transportation:clucks tongue You are actually considering owning your own private vehicle? Tut-tut. Think of the rainforests, dear! You’re not “begging a ride,” you’re helping all your friends assuage their horrendous guilt over their imperialist gas-guzzlers by carpooling. And while you’re helping them carpool, be sure to tell them all about how you’ve gotten involved in your local government and lobby strenuously for better public transportation–not that you’d be caught dead on a bus, of course . . .
Tea: Green tea? titter Of course it’s all over the newspapers . . . which means that it’s all the rage with the soccer-moms and health-conscious senior citizens. There’s been an article on green tea in Reader’s Digest, for heaven’s sake. The tea of the moment is red tea, African rooibus tea to those in the know. Get with it, kiddo!
I wonder if perhaps the name Spritle is not too straightforward and easily pronounced. You coudl consider changing to a really silly hypenated name like “Saxe-Coburg-Gotha” (quite topical at present) or "Tollemache-Tollemache de Orellana-Plantagenet-Tollemache-Tollemache ".
And I think the foreign lager with a slice of lime thing must be pretty outdated by now.
Helium baloons bumping into the ceiling? That’s music? If you say so…
lesse…
all suggestions regarding my list were not among my suggestions! Boy have I got a lot of work to do.
Hairstyle:
Professional set weekly?
Mousse, comb back, let dry?
Hairstyle?
Conversations:
Polite but haughty?
No sounds, just occasional nods and slight frowns?
Lots of “vis-a-vi” and other post-modernisms?
Conversations are for the commonfolk - you have to guess what I’m thinking?
Shoes:
Bruno Magli?
Birkenstock?
Barefoot?
Black “beatle-boots”?
Sketchers?
Doc Martins?
eyewear:
Needed or not?
John Lennon round frames?
Skinny rectangles?
Colored contacts?
