I think the two biggest issues we fought over were house cleaning and coming home late. My boyfriend would often say things like “I’ll be home in an hour” and then come home two or three hours later. He didn’t understand why this upset me. As for house cleaning, his threshold for untidiness is slightly higher than mine.
The few fights we’ve had have never lasted long. We’re over it in a day, tops. Neither of us like to hold grudges.
We shacked up a week or so BEFORE our first date. Or eleven years after we met.
We had been really good friends for five, and the date was basically a transitional marker that we did on valentines day so we’d have a date to go by.
And the moving in was one of those “this will blow up spectacularly in six months or we will get married and live happily ever after” tests.
We got married eighteen months later, seventeen years ago.
I met my first wife in a nightclub, went home with her that night and stayed, 20 years later we got divorced but about 18 years were good.
I met present girlfriend 18 years ago, she moved in as a roommate but we hooked up the first week and have been together ever since.
I would be extra cautious in your situation because of the kids. In fact, because of the kids, I wouldn’t shack up until you were ready to make the commitment to be together until at least the last kid got out of high school. You don’t HAVE to get married (although at some point it makes life way easier - which is why it should be available for everyone), but if your youngest is four, you and your friend need to look at each other and say “can we do this for fourteen years? Are we SURE?”
My son is fourteen - my brother in law just died of cancer - which was horrible and caused a lot of upheaval in the family. Fourteen year old brains are dealing with more change than they can deal with just with puberty and girls - it wasn’t “fair” to him to have to go through this right now (it isn’t fair to anyone, obviously), but it wasn’t something we could control. And we had to deal with some fallout with both our kids (bad grades, some acting out), that I don’t know if it would have happened had his Dad and I been more around and he only had to deal with his own life. You are in the situation of being able to control whether your kids go through a major upheaval in their lives at a bad time - by not doing anything until you are sure.
If you have to ask the opinions of people you don’t know, it’s too soon.
My mom was in this situation, and the way she did it was for both our families to spend more and more time together ovet two years before moving. By the time we lived with them, we had already been on vacations together and slept over at ach others homes.
Keep in mind no matter how similar you may think you arem you really wont see all the differences until you live together. And always be prepared to have an exit strategy if things go south- far too many people let themselves get “stuck” putting up with crap because leaving is too difficult.
If you are actually heading toward marriage, then you might as well take the next step of PLANNING to move in together. Make it a move-in engagement, of sorts.
-Talk it over with the kids.
-Set a date for 6 months from now, at least. If waiting that long will screw up schools, well…figure that one out, too.
-Take that time for everyone involved to get used to the idea, and to plan EXACTLY how this is going to work.
-Find a new place to move in to TOGETHER, if possible. It may not be possible, for eleventy billion reasons, but if you can do it, do it.
And whatever else you do, take it seriously. Yes, it may not work out…MrTao’s kids have had 4 different fathers in the last 4 years, 3 of whom were married to their mother at one point. So it’s not like marriage is infallible, either. But just…take it seriously, 'cause the kids will.
We already spend the majority of our time together, with our children. We’ve not had a chance to vacation or go away together yet. I think planning some kind of trip/weekend would be a good idea.
That’s what we had discussed as the purpose of moving in together. We have talked about marriage, we both want it.
Our kids are in the same school system, so that’s not a problem. I rent a townhouse, he owns his home. It would be more feasible to move into his home.
I moved in with the woman who is now my wife after six weeks, but in my defense, the circumstances were ideal - I almost 23 years old and getting tired of living with my parents, and she had had enough of her roommate, and held the lease. It was too good an opportunity to pass on.
2 weeks is probably difficult for a lot of people, especially in the states, but I’d definitely say that going on holiday is one of the things you should do before moving in together.
I have A List of things to do before moving in together. They are all, essentially, things that put stresses on a relationship; don’t move in together until you have evidence that you can get past those stresses. Sure, if you’re both 20 and can move back to Mom’s straight after you break up then it’s not a big deal, but I’m coming at this from the point of view of a single parent too.
My list - short, but it takes a while to complete it:
Being together at least a year. The anniversary can, in itself, be a stressor, and it gives a length of time where various other minor stressors are likely to come up.
A holiday together of at least a week. WITH the kids, if you have them.
Meeting each other’s significant friends and family. I don’t mean all the friends and family - my ex never met my Dad and my GF now never will - just the ones whose opinions count.
Getting through at least one major holiday, like Christmas. Not necessarily spending it together, though that is better, but going through it together, IYSWIM.
Celebrating both your birthdays. I know, for some people, birthdays aren’t a big deal. For some they are. You will only really find out how big or little a deal they are when you’ve experienced them together. Similar for Valentine’s Day.
Many relationships I know of have worked out despite not meeting any of these criteria; however, when you have kids, you do have to be a lot more careful.
But it’d be much worse for the kids if their parent got married to a new partner who then moved in, only to find out they weren’t compatible as a live-in couple, so they had to go through a full divorce rather than moving out. Maybe marriage should be on the cards (if that’s what you both want), but honestly, unless you’re very religious, marrying before living together is not a wise decision.
Since you’re already paying rent/mortgages on two places, then it probably wouldn’t actually cost you more to have a trial period of living together when you actually decide to do so.
You’re smart. I like you. We’re taking things one day at a time, and so far so good!
Until you’re married.
I am shocked how many people put “getting married” or “being engaged” before being happy. Is that piece of paper important? does it save relationships? or does it put more people in old roles?
I don’t care about being engaged or married as long as I feel strongly about a person and it feels right. I have a kid and have lived alone or with a BF at times andmy kid didn’t suffer from the fact that I am not married, at all. The way you live your relationship every day is much more important than a paper and a stamp, imo. It’s from the every day conflicts or good moments, a kid will learn about relationships.
The holiday idea is a good tip 
should show if the kids get along alright
My child has had an “nontraditional” upbringing thus far. He’s only had a mom his whole life. He doesn’t know his father. We’re not exactly the Jones’ to begin with, that’s why I’m considering moving in with the man (and his child) that I (and my son) love. Again, this is just in the discussion phase!
For what it’s worth (not much, I’m sure):
My now-wife moved in 8 months after we met. We were already engaged at that point. We got married in another 8 months, so 16 months after we first met.
I’m so jealous of you people arguing about whether or not they should be married before living together! Wish that were something I could be concerned about, haha.
I love this, thanks **SciFiSam **
Shit, I’m coming up to six months with my girlfriend and this has been on my mind a lot, but I was thinking it was too soon. And there aren’t even any kids involved, the only issues is that she really likes her place, I really like mine and that she’s a fair bit younger than me, so I don’t want to freak her out by pushing for things too quickly.
I sense a derail, but I’m going to ask anyway: Why?
I’ll assume gay marriage isn’t an option where **drewtwo99 **lives?
(just to derail - it now is a legal option in Scotland, come to Gretna Green!!)