My long-time primary care physician just retired. On Friday I had my first appointment with a new PCP. It’ll also be my last, for two reasons: one of which I’m certain is reasonable, one of which I’m not sure about.
First the thing I’m sure about. About halfway through the appointment, the new doctor–a woman in her early 30s, if it matters–after asking me about the various early-middle-age health concerns I have, spontaneously suggested that we pray together about those issues. I replied that she could pray for me all she wanted on her own time, but as I’m not a believer I’d rather she not do so on mine. Has anybody else ever experienced something like this?
Now to the thing I’m not sure about. As this was a new practice as well as a new doctor to me, I filled out a full medical history. One of the questions was number of sexual partners, to which I answered that I didn’t know the exact number, but it was somewhere between 100 and 150. Seeing that information, the new doctor suggested I get tested for HIV and other STDs. I replied that I didn’t think it was necessary because all those dozens were before my mid-30s; I’m now 43. I had an HIV scare before I met my wife, and I got tested for all the major STDS both then and before ever having sex with my wife, to whom I’ve always been faithful. But the doctor kept harping on the issue, seeming certain that the high (to her) number had to be indicative of some emotional disturbance. Now, as it happens, I happen to agree that, when I was racking up those numbers, it was because I was dealing with some unpleasant shit through fucking around, and as that fucking did not make me feel happy, it was a bad idea. But that was over a decade ago, and I’ve gone through therapy since then; it’s not a current problem and, anyway, I HAVE a shrink. The new doctor seemed to think that anybody with a high number of sexual partners is ipso facto acting out some pathology. This isn’t an attitude I’m comfortable with, and I’m wondering if any of y’all have encountered such a belief from your doctors, or whether the attitude is seems unreasonable.
A physician asking a patient to pray is DEFINITELY inappropriate! Now, if she went to your church or otherwise knew that you were Christian (or any other religion), that would be another story, but doing this unsolicited is a violation of boundaries.
As for asking the number of sexual partners, that information can be useful for medical treatment. Was it relevant to what you went to her for?
The prayer thing woulda had me leaving. I had a client suggest we pray once. I told him and his wife I didn’t think it was meant to be and suggested they hit the road. (When I asked them why they thought we shared a common religion, his answer was, “Well, surely you’re a christian, right?!”)
It’s tough to say without having seen how she did it, but I’m leaning toward *inappropriate *after you explained the circumstances of your sex history.
It wasn’t the fact that she asked about my number of sexual partners that irritated me. My previous doctor told me on multiple occasions during that period that I was fucking up my life & needed to get help. It was the new doctor’s insistence that anyone who’d had multiple partners–even if it was more than a decade previous, even if that person was more than five years into utter monogamy–needed help that I found vexsome, particularly coupled with the prayer suggestion.
It still wouldn’t be appropriate, IMO, but any doctor asking any patient to pray is bordering on the literally unbelievable for me anyway.
Not that I necessarily doubt your story, OP, but it’s so outrageous that I can hardly wrap my mind around it.
As to your sexual history, I do happen to believe that racking up an unusually high number of sexual partners, especially if it’s in a relatively short period of time, is likely indicative of some kind of disturbance. It could be anything from, “Oh, I was cheated on and now I’m sad so I’m going to fuck anything that stops moving long enough while I work through my issues…” to any number of actual psychological disorders. I don’t think it’s “normal” behavior. Is it possible to have dozens and dozens of meaningful, mutually beneficial, healthy sexual relationships? Eh, sure. Maybe. I just don’t think that’s the norm. And I don’t know what the “right” number is for anybody; I don’t even know what “too many” would be or if there’s a “not enough” or whatever, so if those questions are popping up while I’m over here being all judgey, don’t bother asking.
That said, if you recognize why you did the things that you did all those years ago and you’re using therapy as a tool to help you work through whatever it is you need to work through, it isn’t your doctor’s place to harass you about it. Ask, yes. Provide resources, maybe. But once you’ve said, “No, it’s okay, I’ve worked through it,” and especially if you said, “Actually, I’m already seeing somebody right now…” that should be the end of it.
I agree with your decision to not see this particular person anymore.
A doctor suggesting prayer as a option would have me running for the doors even if I believed in God. She doubts her medical training and abilities that much that she has to phone her heavenly boss at the first sign of trouble? And my insurer is paying her how much?
The prayer thing would have me out the door so fast that Jesus would have to reattach her spinning head. No thanks. I would even go so far as to find her on some of those doctor review sites online and mention that, because that’s the kind of insanity I’d like to know of before going to see a new doctor.
The sex thing is annoying, but I mean, I was always taught in sex ed that HIV and other nasties can not show up in tests for up to a decade. I don’t know how true that information is (yay! sex ed in America!), but if that were the case, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to get tested again despite your monogamy, just in case. Still, silly for the doctor to psycho analyse your behavior from a decade ago.
The thing about the sexual partners issue is that it shows she does not listen and does not accept information that goes against her preconceived notions. These are unacceptable traits in a doctor.
If she believes that magic will cure your issues (if she didn’t - why bother praying) - who cares what she thinks about your sex history?
She doesn’t possess the critical thinking skills needed to be a doctor.
If she knew you were seeing a Therapist - and felt there might be some underlying emotional issues (which isn’t really a stretch) - most doctors would consider that area as being taken care of if they:
Knew you were seeing a mental health professional
And
Believed you were being honest with that person
The fact that you are no longer entertaining women (and/or men) to that degree indicates to me if there was some emotional issues - something has changed. Perhaps being married doesn’t really address them, but the mental health professional does.
I’ve had PCPs ask about when the last time I had an eye exam, dental exam, etc - all of which are needed for good overall health, but they drop the questions as soon as they know I am seeing a pro in that field.
Did she go to some sort of Christian medical school?
I don’t know what school she went to. I don’t feel inclined to bother finding out, as I’m not going back.
As to the psychotherapist issue: to be fair, she didn’t know going in that I (used) to go to one regularly, as this was the first visit. And in fact it wasn’t her assessment that my former promiscuity was unhealthy that bothered me, as I agreed with her that it was. It was her assumption that promiscuity is by definition pathological that concerned me, along with her definition of same. I think she’d have called someone who’d had 10 sexual partners, in sequence, over a period of years, in need of intervention. She was very sex-negative.
I’d be very nervous if a doctor suggested we pray together, and I’m Catholic. That coupled with what appears to be an unhealthy and judgmental interest in your previous sex life is a big fat red flag. She isn’t a mere Christian, she has a mission, one that is incompatible with being a doctor.
Heh. This reminds me of the doctor who insisted that I needed to read my Bible every day. I informed him that I’m an atheist.
He also wanted me to become a vegan. He had a few more screws loose, as well, but those two issues stood out the most for me.
Due to insurance issues at the time, it was very difficult to find another doctor, but I did it.
One of the clinics that I used to go to had a form that you had to fill out for each visit, and one of the little things you had to check off was whether or not you needed someone to pray with you. At least this wasn’t as in-your-face as the doctor just asking if you need a prayer, but I did think it was kind of weird.
