As many of you know, I’m currently diving into the throes of clinical medicine.
It’s very common in a Bible Belt state like this one for a patient or his family to ask the doctor or med student to pray with them. Most everyone agrees that this is OK in general, if the doctor is comfortable with it.
However, I am not a Christian, at least not in the sense that they are. I don’t feel particularly uncomfortable joining them in prayer, but I can’t help but think that it would be disrespectful to their beliefs. I also don’t want to become their “religious contact” on the team, who they always come to for spiritual guidance.
On the other hand, it might make the patient and family very uncomfortable that the med student wouldn’t pray with them. I would also hate to become fodder for conversion, finding a Chick tract tucked strategically into the chart.
What would you do? How would you feel if you were the patient?
Dr. J
PS: Note that this hasn’t actually happened to me yet. I’m trying to head off ethical dilemmas at the pass.
I think pretending to be something you are not or pretending to believe something you do not would only serve as an insult to the beliefs of your patients and family.
There are other ways to show your empathy for their pain without resorting to what essentially amounts to a lie.
If you are asked to do this often enough and you conceed, you may grow to resent it and they will sense that from you in some fashion.
Hey, if you are uncomfortable with praying with the family, by all means let them know that you would rather focus your efforts in a more pragmatic manner. Of course you may want to be more tactful than that. If they really want a spritual resolution to their crisis, they should go to Benny Hinn.
Bowing your head with your eyes closed is a great way to respect other people’s religious beliefs while mentally running over your grocery list. If they want you to join hands and stuff, mention something about proctology. I really don’t see much of an issue with quietly respecting the patient, the patient’s family and whatever gods they serve.
I gotta go with Tymp on this one.
Whenever I am in a similar situation, that’s pretty much what I do. Ususally its dinner at someone’s house.
If the host says, “I’d like to offer grace.” What are you going to do? “No way, not me, now pass the gravy boat, please.”
You have to be at least polite and respectful. I doubt any of these families are looking for any thing more than commiseration. If praying will give them peace of mind, support them. That’s what you’re there for. Support is a part of treatment, is it not. You don’t have to testify to anything to be supportive.
I’m a nonbeliever, and I used to get this all the time as an ICU nurse. The way I looked at it was the prayers were for the family, not for the patient - they were a source of comfort for the worrying family. I would reverently and silently participate to a degree - stop what I was doing at the bedside, maybe join hands. I drew the line at active participation. I’d simply tell them that this is a private and personal time for tem to spend with their loved one and each other, and I’d move on to doing other things.
My most uncomfortable experience was when a preacher, in to visit my patient, asked me over the bed “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?”. I was tempted to say “Jesus Christ? You mean Jesus H. Christ?” but instead I simply said “That’s not what you should be concerned with right now - this woman needs you”.
While we’re at it, my favorite “religious experience” was when someone called to get info on a patient who was badly busted up. As we only gave out info to immediate family, I asked “are you a relative?”, and this guy answered “well, we’re brothers in Christ”, to which I, of course, responded “aren’t we all, sir”
It would seem that participating in a religious exercise which you do not truly share would be more disrespectful to another’s faith than honestly refusing to do so.
Adam, that’s a bit cold don’t you think. The doctor does more than just physically heal their patients. They comfort, conciliate, and reasure the patients and family members as well. It’s part of the job.
Or at least good doctors do.
With aging members of my family, I’ve had dealings with good doctors and bad.
Some doctors would talk to us as often as possible and try to make us understand the problem in a dignified, considerate tone. Made the time waiting much easier. Made it much more comfortable for the patient too. “Boy, their really working on me!”
Some doctors looked at us like we were merely taking up space. Or that’s how I felt the few times we ever saw them. Made us anxious and made my relatives anxious. “I haven’t seen the doctor in hours. Do they know I’m here?”
You could easly comfort the family and patient by simply bowing your head and respecting their wishes. Your not joining in on the words, so it doesn’t seem disrespectfull to those involved.
Besides, the family will remember you as a caring doctor. They’ll probably be back to see you and dump the careless ones. We did.
Saturday Night Live was playing in the background and they had a skit “America’s Funniest Hate Videos”. I had to stop mid-post and watch.
Ditto the others who say to be respectfull to their wishes and just bow your head and say nothing. It’s obvious to them that your being polite and considerate but don’t necessarily follow their religion.
No, I don’t think that it is cold. Yes, a doctor has to have a pleasant beside manner to provide the best possible care to his or her patient, but taking part in prayers is not the best way for everyone. Of course you would think that it is okay when you assume that the doctor is the same religion as you. But if the doctor doesn’t share your beliefs then what? Do you pray with everybody no matter what his or her religion? Hell no.
If the patient were the same religion and denomination, I would consider it. However it is not fair to ask anyone to corrupt his or her personal beliefs to make you feel better. A Jewish patient, I would maybe pray with. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhists - they are on their own.
If you are a patient and you are a hardcore Catholic, do you not think that it would be disrespectful to ask a Dr. Rosenbaum to pray to Jesus with you? I do.
I think the best course of action is the one Dr. J touched on in the original OP. State simply but firmly, “I’m sorry, but I don’t follow the same religion as you, and I feel it would be a disrespect to you, the patient, and your religion were I to take part.”
At worst, they say, “No, it wouldn’t be a disrespect at all! Join us!” in which case you mentally go over your shopping list. (Okay, extreme worst- they consider a disbeliever to be possessed by demons and hold you down while dropping snakes on you and chanting in tongues. But I think that’s a less likely scenario; and besides, they’d do that to you anyways when you tried to present them with the bill.)
But generally I’d expect that people would accept your declination and hold you in more esteem for it, as it shows that you give them and their beliefs the respect they wish.
I agree with you about active participation. You’d certainly never catch me taking communion at a Catholic service. Such action would be quite rude. Quietly respecting another’s faith is another story though. I don’t see an issue of insult in granting others a moment of peace during which they can believe that you are on their side socially at least.
I’m an atheist and I’d just pray with them if I were you. It might help them feel a little bit better about their situation. If you didn’t pray with them they might not feel as though you’re in the same boat as them.
I believe that many people turn to religion for strength granted by a sense of community. At the moment when they are praying for your patient, you are a part of their community. You’re all kinda pulling for the same result. If you can view it as an act of a community rather than and act of faith, I think you’d be proud to be a part of the event. If you can’t get past the idea of supporting a faith with which you do not agree, you probably need to walk away.
Perhaps you should recognize that being an atheist puts you in a different category from someone who has religious faith. Praying with a Jewish person may have vastly different implications for a Muslim, as praying with a Muslim would for a Hindu. Those who have no religious beliefs are able to skirt these issues, but they are very real for doctors who have chosen a religious affiliation.
Wow, I’m reeling in shock here. Let’s see, your choices are:
A. Quietly bow your head as they pray, thinking as one suggested “am I out of cole slaw”
B. Joining in enthusiastically, promising to adhere to the tenents of a religion completely foreign to you.
or C. At the point in time when the patient is in critical condition, the family is in pain watching this, they’ve reached out in common human spirit to offer peace and solice to the patient, and you’re to instead pause so that you can lecture them on the appropriatness of THEIR behavior?
Gosh. tough call. ummmmmmmmmm
Seriously - if it were a question of I’m invited to dine at my new neighbors and first they want me to join in on the ritual sacrificial goat, I’ll take a pass. But, I’m the Doctor or some one else assisting in the care of their loved one, they wish me to join in on their display of good thoughts - I’ll bow my head and be quiet for a moment. And not think for one moment that any diety that I would worship would have a problem with offering a dignified display of caring.
VERY different situation than being asked by a casual acquaintence to join in on the official rites of a different relgion, IMHO
“But if the doctor doesn’t share your beliefs then what? Do you pray with everybody no matter what his or her religion? Hell no.”
…If you are a patient and you are a hardcore Catholic, do you not think that it would be disrespectful to ask a Dr. Rosenbaum to pray to Jesus with you? I do.
Hell ya, why not.
Like I said, “You could easly comfort the family and patient by simply bowing your head and respecting their wishes. Your not joining in on the words, so it doesn’t seem disrespectfull to those involved.”
Your not taking part in the prayer. Your showing respect to their religion by bowing your head and remaining quiet.
Now, if you actively take part in the prayer and start spouting off verse that you don’t actually believe in, then, yeah, I agree with you that it’s wrong.
But in my personal experience, the bowing and staying quiet method aspeases the family and does no ill-harm to your own personal beliefs. They seem pleased that you respect their thoughts, whether or not you actually agree with them.
A lot of people have touched on the (non-)religious aspect of this, so I’ll take a pass on that. But there is another aspect, and for that I want to erect an analogy:
Your patient has an old granny who is firmly convinced that washing the patient’s abdomen with an infusion of witch hazel, sage, and some other herbal remedy will “draw out the infection.” As a physician, you know that’s bunkum, but the patient believes this treatment will help too. You can see no contraindications from the ingredients, and at best the topical alcohol in the infusion will help to lower the fever. Since a part of the healing process is the state of mind of the patient, you (perhaps hesitantly) decide to go along with granny’s therapy along with your own.
If the patient believes that prayer will help, it will, simply by the mindset it creates in the patient, regardless of any metaphysical questions about whether there is a god and if so what that god may be doing vis-a-vis your patient. And so, in the absence of positive beliefs that would make your participation offensive to your own faith, I would in your shoes bow my head and participate, for the sake of the patient, which in the last analysis was what the prayer was all about anyway.
To the people who have suggested that a polite declination would be more respectful. I’d agree with you if we were talking about a waiter who’s patrons ask him to join them in Grace, or shoe-shine guy whose customer asked him to assist in blessing his loafers. But we’re talking life and death here. I would think a littel more leeway would be understandable when trying to comfort the family of a potentially dying patient. The key word here is tact.
I would think that you could offer a non-religous prayer. If they ask you to pray just go " I pray that he finds the strength to get through this. May all our thought s be with him." Or something like that. If you want to be silent, do that while they are praying out loud. Or maybe if they ask you to pray, just ask for a moment of silence.
