How to be more relaxed around my 10-year old son?

[Ramira]

@Maastricht

Thanks for those who responded. I’m especially interested in parents of chatterboxes, because that’s what I am, mom of a certified chatterbox.

So, you are the mom to the **typical **young 10 year old boy. Welcome to the club.

They are chatter boxes, the young boys. My boy of the same age group is , every healthy young boy of this age group is that I know of his friends.

It is very normal and it is disturbing the labelling you make and the approach:

With my son, I think it is my duty to him make his chatterbox-tendencies more maneageble.

and

3. Is what you are about to say interesting to the person, or do they need to know it? For instance, I told him he can tell me about what happens in his life or about his own thoughts any time, but he can’t retell something he saw or read online, or something to do with games, or electronics. When he tells me about games, I interrupt and say: "do you think that interests me? " He then usually looks a little guilty and then *just starts talking faster. *
4. Does the person need to be told now? Can it be saved for a better time?

It gives me the impression of the parent who finds the non “child free” as you used the phrase in the OP a burden to be managed to focus on your needs.

Being a chatterbox can be an indication of that. I’m going to ask the school psycholgist about it.

It is also the indication of a healthy young boy.

It seems to me that you are seeking the medicalisation of your dislike of the listening to something outside of your personal interest, and it reminds me of your discussion of your own mother

@IvoryTowerDenizen

#3 on your list is you judging (and finding lacking) what he is passionate about. You don’t have to listen forever (that’s part of the managing his social skills- conversation is a give and take), but to come out and say that whole topics that he finds engaging are off limits to talk to you about? I heartedly disagree and don’t understand the value in that.

It’s not his job to change his interests to accommodate you. As his parent, it’s your job to get to know him and let him know that you find him worth listening to.

Exact. This is very important and it is to me incredibly hurtful actions of the parent to say such things to the child, and most particular for the mother to say it. I can never imagine saying such to my child.

FWIW, don’t you think all parents struggle listening to endless recitations of Pokemon, Mindcraft, dinosaur bones, etc etc etc? It’s not like our kids are having this adult-pleasing scintillating conversations and somehow your son is categorically different.

Indeed, I have learned what Goku is and the adventures, the existance of the Minecraft game… no things of interest to me except they are of interest to my son., a real chatter box and bouncey boy who maybe in the medicalized anglo saxon world would be labelled ADD…

So I tried to become informed, and to gently guide conversation and interest - he wants to talk about the Minecraft, help him structure his Minecraft discussion better and also find some thing of interest - like it has the programming possiiblity so ask him about exploring that (something I learned to find out what on the earth is the Minecraft game I suddenly heard so much about).

Sounds like he has some issues around social interactions, and these should be worked on, but not pleasing you enough with his topic choice is not one of them.

It is hard in my opinion to not have the impression that the filtering of the information via the OP is biased and that the approach that has been conveyed - in seeking clearly a validation of the own prejudices (in coherence with her past family like postings so it is not something sans a contexte) - should give some pause to a strong conclusion about the boy having the social interaction issues independent from her approach. And advices based on accepting her presentation are not a wise thing.

@glee

…
It’s incredibly hard for a child to produce ‘parent-level’ conversation. It’s usually going to be just about what happened to him and his friends that day.
If you keep putting put him down with “do you think that interests me?”, eventually he’s going to stop telling you anything. And that’s the last thing you want.

@Lightray

That poor kid. One of the most important people in his life keeps telling him that the things he value are worthless and don’t deserve any attention. And he’s obviously internalized the clear message that HE therefore isn’t worthy of any attention, since he is expecting that attention will be summarily cut off.

Agree, agree.

The approach itself will generate a social awkwardness.

@Stranger_On_A_Train

Children, and indeed people, are not robots which operate in accordance to linear algorithms. If you want your child to be better at having conversations (as opposed to being a “chatterbox”) then you need to actually teach him to converse by example and interaction rather than just trying to program him to behave as you think appropriate. Children are often annoying in their manners (at least I think so) and talk about trivial and often uninteresting topics because they are children and they have a very small worldset of ideas and experiences to draw upon, and a limited number of people to interact with, most of whom are also children.

I learned far more about the world and the possibilities within it as well as how to interact with people in an engaging way from my (step)grandfather, who bothered to talk to me as if I was a quasi-adult capable of grasping nuance and who was a masterful storyteller, than **I did from either of my parents, neither of whom wanted much of anything to do with me to the point that I lived with my father for nearly a year and we probably spoke no more than a dozen times in that period and mostly about how I shouldn’t get his new wife upset with my mere existence. **

**If you want your child to have a better experience and be able to converse sensibly with people, stop labeling him with the implicit criticism of being a “chatterbox”, stop using ADHD as an excuse for why you want someone else to deal with him, **stop tuning him out or avoiding showing him what you expect from him in terms of chores and discipline, and start interacting with him in the way that you want him to behave. This is not a matter of “resetting the relationship” (whatever that means) but providing the example of the type of interaction and letting your child know that he is cared about and that you value his ideas (even if they are childishly annoying, because, again, he’s a child) and are happy to discuss them at the appropriate time, which is not just whenever you want to be doing something else but when you can spend some time interacting and bonding even if it means having to delay working on your favorite hobby or reading a book.
…

There is value in being straightforward when it comes to delicate subjects, but telling a child that you don’t want to hear about “topics x, y, and z” **because they are boring is basically telling the child that they are boring and by extension you do not care about them. ** Instead of saying, “I’m bored by x and don’t talk to me about it,” make the effort to suggest other related topics or ask questions that are tangential to that topic. Children are by nature learning machines and if you engage their curiosity they’ll often come up with what are for them novel insights which can lead to maturity and intellectual growth. If you just let them babble on about whatever, they’ll never learn very much, and if you tell them to go away and stop bothering you they’ll either learn to ignore you entirely or they’ll trick you into their mantrap

Stranger

Stranger has very wise advices here and I bold that he has the experience of a parenting that must be suspected is not far from what the case is.

@you_with_the_face

And I agree with LHoD that the kid would probably be more listenable if could organize his thoughts better.

Or perhaps the ten year old boy must be judged on the basis of the ten year old boys abilities, and perhaps in the real lived context

I am very doubtful to conclude the evaluation presented is one that is well balanced and objectively very accurate.

@you_with_the_face

I totally agree. However, the OP seems to not appreciate why her questioning strategy fails at bringing about a positive change in his behavior. To me it’s clear that the same thing that causes him to be an alienating talker is the same thing that causes him to misjudge what interests the people he’s talking to. If he was able to correctly identify what is of mutual interest, then it’s unlikely he’d be a bad conversationalist; its precisely because he sucks at this that he struggles. Her question is not helping him learn how to do this.

Are you a parent of a small boy?? It is very doubtful to conclude that a ten year old is having the background to “correctly identify” things of mutual interest, and the idea of a ten year old boy as a conversationalist… well, I only can point to Stranger who has the wise observations as I see it from being the parent of also a young hyper active boy of this age…

And it is very doubtful to conclude firmly that the boy is generally an alienating talker… in the context of the experience in the family conversation that to me as it reads two times a cold and impatient, burdened and distant interaction from the parent, the OP who used a phrase very telling in the context of the other things written here, ‘child free’ (and recalling this Does a parent have any influence on a good relationship with their kid as adult ?).

The OP needs to find a way to engage the boy so that it’s not just him coming to her with stuff to say and then being shot down or lectured to. I wonder how often it is that she’s initiating conversation with him. It could be asking him about his latest video game exploits or could mean opening up with a story about something she saw or did that week that a kid would find interesting.

It begins with the realization that as a mother of a small boy she faces the normal world that the small boy, he is not a small adult robot but a chatter box, that is the default experience.

Indeed as the advise is given twice - on the first round and now again, it is that the OP, she needs to adjust greatly the way she is thinking about her child and make the effort to engage a small boy as a small boy.

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

@Ramira

Or perhaps the ten year old boy must be judged on the basis of the ten year old boys abilities, and perhaps in the real lived context

I am very doubtful to conclude the evaluation presented is one that is well balanced and objectively very accurate.

…

Are you a parent of a small boy?? It is very doubtful to conclude that a ten year old is having the background to “correctly identify” things of mutual interest, and the idea of a ten year old boy as a conversationalist… well, I only can point to Stranger who has the wise observations as I see it from being the parent of also a young hyper active boy of this age…

I’m not the parent of a small boy, but I’ve taught hundreds of 'em. You’re right that discerning topics of mutual interests to their audience isn’t a skill that comes easily to them. However, it’s possible to teach them some of these skills.

Doing so through positive redirection would be best, IMO. If they’re telling you about Minecraft, instead of saying, “Do you think I care about Minecraft?” or whatever, find something in the story that’s interesting. “So are you playing multiplayer? I’m curious about how that looks. Do you and Tayvon just build and explore separately, or do you cooperate on projects? Oh, you cooperate? How does that work? Like, do you have a plan that you follow, or just come up with stuff on the fly? What does it look like?”

You may not want to hear another story about getting blowed up real good by a Creeper while exploring the swamp biome, but your son doesn’t know that. As the adult, you know what the topic of mutual interest will be; gently guide them to talk about that.

I think it’s appropriate to say sometimes that the topic they’re on isn’t important to you (“Hey, I know it’s fun fighting spiders, but I’m not sure it’s as much fun to hear about someone fighting spiders, you know? Maybe you could tell me instead about what you and Tayvon are planning to build next?”). But the direction away from an irritating topic should always be accompanied by a direction toward a topic of mutual interest.

[you_with_the_face]

@Ramira

Are you a parent of a small boy?? It is very doubtful to conclude that a ten year old is having the background to “correctly identify” things of mutual interest, and the idea of a ten year old boy as a conversationalist… well, I only can point to Stranger who has the wise observations as I see it from being the parent of also a young hyper active boy of this age…

No, but I have a nephew the same age as the OP’s son and the way he talks is very similar to what she describes. He can go on and on about the most minor details in Mario Cart, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the person he’s talking to isn’t really “in” the conversation with him. Not a big deal when he’s talking to adults who are mature enough to be patient with him, but it does impact his ability to connect with kids his age. They will opt to walk away before indulging him with polite “uh huhs”.

A 10 year old is certainly old enough to understand that if he wants to talk to people (not just to his parents but to anyone), he’ll have more success if he isn’t stuck on subjects that others can’t understand or relate to. It seems like he needs more practice bridging his interests with others so that he’s listening more and talking (at) others less. I think the OP approach to handling this isn’t very sensitive to his needs, but I don’t think she’s wrong to see if as an issue if in fact it’s true that his classmates have dissed him for talking too much.

[Ramira]

@Left_Hand_of_Dorkness

I’m not the parent of a small boy, but I’ve taught hundreds of 'em. You’re right that discerning topics of mutual interests to their audience isn’t a skill that comes easily to them. However, it’s possible to teach them some of these skills.

Doing so through positive redirection would be best, IMO. If they’re telling you about Minecraft, instead of saying, “Do you think I care about Minecraft?” or whatever, find something in the story that’s interesting. “So are you playing multiplayer? I’m curious about how that looks. Do you and Tayvon just build and explore separately, or do you cooperate on projects? Oh, you cooperate? How does that work? Like, do you have a plan that you follow, or just come up with stuff on the fly? What does it look like?”

You may not want to hear another story about getting blowed up real good by a Creeper while exploring the swamp biome, but your son doesn’t know that. As the adult, you know what the topic of mutual interest will be; gently guide them to talk about that.

I think it’s appropriate to say sometimes that the topic they’re on isn’t important to you (“Hey, I know it’s fun fighting spiders, but I’m not sure it’s as much fun to hear about someone fighting spiders, you know? Maybe you could tell me instead about what you and Tayvon are planning to build next?”). But the direction away from an irritating topic should always be accompanied by a direction toward a topic of mutual interest.

I do not disagree here, but it requires first the clear understanding that is not shown in the follow-up of the hurtful approach of the You are not Interesting.

@you_with_the_face

No, but I have a nephew the same age as the OP’s son and the way he talks is very similar to what she describes.

The relationship as the mom I can tell you has to be something different than the auntie.

I think the OP approach to handling this isn’t very sensitive to his needs, but I don’t think she’s wrong to see if as an issue if in fact it’s true that his classmates have dissed him for talking too much.

The wider context of the approach of the OP and the manner of the expression says to me as the parent of this kind of small boy (and I see other other parents of the same age and profile are having the same reaction) that before accepting the issue of the boy, there is the issue of the parent.

[Shodan]

My son was never a chatterbox - getting him to open up was the hard part - but my daughter was/is. But I didn’t do anything to help her make her conversation more interesting, mostly because I couldn’t get a word in edgewise but also because I just sort of let it wash over me unless and until she said something I wanted to hear about.

Especially in the car - a few "um-hm"s and “you did?” go a long way.

It doesn’t seem to have hurt her ability to interact socially. Of course, she’s 27 now.

Just let them tell you what’s in their heads. It’s not their job to entertain you. They get enough “that’s boring” from their friends and classmates. Let them figure it out from that.

Regards,
Shodan

[SisterCoyote]

@Left_Hand_of_Dorkness

You may not want to hear another story about getting blowed up real good by a Creeper while exploring the swamp biome, but your son doesn’t know that. As the adult, you know what the topic of mutual interest will be; gently guide them to talk about that.

I think it’s appropriate to say sometimes that the topic they’re on isn’t important to you (“Hey, I know it’s fun fighting spiders, but I’m not sure it’s as much fun to hear about someone fighting spiders, you know? Maybe you could tell me instead about what you and Tayvon are planning to build next?”). But the direction away from an irritating topic should always be accompanied by a direction toward a topic of mutual interest.

Or, as Jackson Galaxy has been known to say, “Make sure for every no there is a yes.”

[Penfeather]

@Maastricht

I have told my son often to do the 1,2,3,4 check.

1. Does the person know you’re speaking to him? Can you see his or her eyes and see they are looking at you? No yelling through staircases, through doors, around corners, or talking at turned backs or at people who may have a earbuds in.
2. Is the person indicating they have time to listen?
3. Is what you are about to say interesting to the person, or do they need to know it? For instance, I told him he can tell me about what happens in his life or about his own thoughts any time, but he can’t retell something he saw or read online, or something to do with games, or electronics. When he tells me about games, I interrupt and say: “do you think that interests me?” He then usually looks a little guilty and then *just starts talking faster. *
4. Does the person need to be told now? Can it be saved for a better time?

Wait, you make your ten year old son do a pre-flight check every time he wants to speak to you to ensure his conversation is worthy of your time and interest? That’s utterly appalling.

[overlyverbose]

@you_with_the_face

If he comes to you talking about minutiae, try to engage him on the topic. Act interested, throw some questions at him, get him to explain. And then try to shift the topic to something you can both relate to and have interest in. Lecturing him about knowing his audience might feel like rejection; steering the conversation to mutually agreeable territory will allow him to learn how to have a 2-sided dialogue. You want to listen to him but the ideal is that he does the same for you.

Conversational skills can make or break a person socially, particularly among the talkative. If your son is showing weaknesses in this area (not just with you but with others) it’s your job to help him.

I completely agree with this. My husband and son struggled with the same thing, and only recently has my husband sat back, started paying attention and asking questions and steering as opposed to criticizing. It’s made an immense difference, just in the past few months. For the first time in a long time our son actually seeks him out to talk to him and his conversational style is improving immensely. He’s actually communicating why he’s interested in specific things to my husband and explaining why he wants my husband to do XY or Z.

Another thing - how independent is your son generally? One thing I noticed was that our son had a really big boost in self esteem and was far more likely to stay away from screens if I let him do his thing with his friends. Now at 12 he has the run of the neighborhood so long as he doesn’t do anything particularly stupid (that I find out about anyway). So if he’s got friends that live close by, you might consider letting him walk over to visit them on his own instead of structuring his time, or just let him tell you what he’s interested in at least.

Also, I second or third or fourth or whatever finding something you guys enjoy doing together, even if it’s just finding a cool park to walk in or kicking a soccerball back and forth.

One thing to remember about listening - you can get a lot of unexpected nuggets of critical information from those random discussions with your kid. The stuff that’s important to you (how they’re doing at school, conflicts, etc.) don’t always come up unless you let them do a brain dump. “[blah, blah, blah…fortnite, fortnite, fortnite] and then while we were waiting for the bus, some stranger in a black GMC drove by and we took a picture of his license plate!” (And yes, that actually happened once.)

Or, “[minecraft, godzilla movies, baseball], and then this girl asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend but it made me feel stupid so I pretended I didn’t hear her. How am I supposed to talk to a girl about that anyway, mom?”