“From basics of anal sex to treadmilled planes with snakes.”
How do you find a blue disposable contact lens in a blue bathroom (they fold up)?
“Disposable” you say?
How do you explain the popularity of faux-hawks these days?
Puritan founders; elitist climate; recession-fueled paranoia; no (figurative) testes.
How do you explain yer new mohawk to your boss? 
Send link to brujaja’s punk feud, blame that (and alcohol)
How do you get a squirrel out of your wall? 
A sledgehammer, a chainsaw, a welder’s torch…so many choices!
How do you get an elephant into your pajamas?
A welder’s torch?..on drywall??? 
Let out the waist and legs, slip on
How do you know if your sushi is fresh?
Ask it. If it responds, it’s fresh. Don’t ask lobsters!
How do you snag a little “solitude in Nature” in a crowded urban setting?
Don’t bathe for a week. Soil yourself. Disrobe. Wander city.
The dog didn’t listen to the tape. How do I bathe psychotic berserker dog?
Hire a crew of vikings to do it for you.
How do you find a live crew of vikings for hire?
Try doubleyou doubleyou doubleyou viking crews for hire dot com
How do you cope with rejection?
Change anti-rejection drug regimen. Get back on transplant list.
How do I get to the top of the list?
–Get kicked off “expatriate”, “native of”, and “hailing from” lists.
How do you convince your amazing musician friend he doesn’t have to recycle (metal) for a living?
Explain the wonders do selling blood and semen. Music What?
How do you know you’ve sold too much blood and semen?
Watch for impotence, anemia, and rigor mortis. In that order.
How do you start your own mystery school/ secret fraternity?
Invent secret handshake. Don’t tell anybody.
How do you know when you have “just the right amount” of semen on your hands?
Enough to stick your hands together but not drip.
How do you erase certain questions from your brain?
By focusing on the next one.
How do you become a lawyer?
Pass the bar exam.
How do I come up with a funnier answer?
Study Rube Goldberg, Monty Python, Coyote, Loki, and a toddler.
How does one learn tact?
Tact is for those not witty enough for sarcasm.
How can I justify getting a maid?