Think about how many English lessons she can pay for.
How can I justify drivnig to the gym?
Define “drivnig” any way you want to first.
How do you get major reputable dictionaries to accept your new word?
Take grandchildren of editor-in-chief of OED hostage. Negotiate.
How do you convince random strangers that TLAs*are just one word?
*Three Letter Acronyms
Show them the word count in your word processing program.
How do I convince writers to proofread their work?
Don’t bother. It’s pointless. Convince someone else to proofread it.
How do you make a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster?
Subcontract it out to Marvin the Martian.
How do I find room for five more boxes of books in this book-stuffed house?
Compress books to degenerate matter. Store carefully.
How do you collect an army of faceless minions to do your bidding?
Post on Craig’s list; previous criminal experience is a must.
How do you avoid getting caught recruiting your minions?
Start by recruiting law enforcement officers. Then it won’t matter.
How do you provide sleeping quarters for a 500-pound gorilla?
Compress gorilla to degenerate matter. Sleep well, gorilla! Awaken carefully.
How do you summon a faraway human being who has no phone?
Contact that city’s Salvation Army. They will deliver the message.
How do you put loose BBs in an old-fashioned air rifle?
Smoke signals; ouija board; carrier pigeon; jungle drums; semaphore flags.
How do you deal with skyrocketing gase prices?
Tygon tubing, coffee filter, duct tape, and lots of patience.
So, now we’re up to:
edited for spelling
Invest in gas futures, sneer at cyclists, practice evil laugh
How do you convince Sammy Hagar he has to drive fifty-five?
Make him watch that gruesome Driver’s Ed. movie again. Repeatedly.
How do you get drivers to stop sneering at you on your bicycle? 
Convince Diana Rigg to ride behind you, in her leathers.
How do you borrow a/the TARDIS?
>First, a moment of silence for the men to contemplate Diana Rigg in her leathers.<
Now, where were we? Oh yes, TARDIS—
Show up in Diana Rigg’s leathers. Ask nicely. Bring pie.
How do you help your friend pick a decent tenant after several bad experiences?
Invite prospect out to lucnch. Let them lead, take notes.
How do you pick a new-to-you used car?*
- I know some smart aleck is gonna say if it’s used how can it be new.
Not Jelly Babies? 
Test Drive. Pay for mechanic’s inspection. Sacrifice at Murphy’s Altar.
How do you choose the ideal sacrifice to propitiate Murphy for the next month?
Check the expiration date on that virgin.
How do you decide where to go for vacation?