Check bank account, consider weather conditions, think place unvisited before.
How do you describe heaven to a sports nut? (stolen from an ad)
Trophies, beer, naked nympho cheerleaders, viagra unneccessary and you win!
How do you learn to exude charm?
Go to cyclotron. Collect proper quarks. Swallow, and let evaporate.
How do you make a naked mole rat cute?
Drink a lot of tequila. Like, a lot.
How do you drink enough tequila to find a naked mole rat cute without succumbing to alcohol poisoning?
Swallow the worm. That’ll teach ya. 
How do you play a DVD-RW disc when all you have is a DVD+RW drive?
(OtakuLoki: Tried that. Wound up Strange instead.)
Hit DVR-RW with a hammer untill it becomes a DVR+RW.
How do you keep a .300 batting average with women?
And yes I did just get home from the bar an I went 1 for 3 and the two nos were with their boyfriends but one of them hooked me up with a friend.
Only count the interested ones. Go out with 1/3 of them.
(Or: Marry her. Your average will freeze at .300.)
How do you shoehorn yourself away from the Dope on a sunny saturday?
Wait for Windows to start it’s daily update.
How do you make the perfect Martini?
“Glance at vermouth bottle briefly while pouring the juniper distillate.”
That answer was reputably paraphrased from Winston Churchill. How do I verify he really wrote or said that?
Invent time machine. Travel back in time. Ask Winston Churchill.
How do you make your dog stop barking at dawn?
Get a tranq gun, shot dog so day is night.
How do you stop your legs from hurting after doing squats.
Read up on periworkout nutrition, and practice what they preach.
(Seriously, that’s the term to search on. My personal recommendation is Biotest’s Surge, which can cut your recovery times by a significant amount.)
How do you come up with a next question when you’re just not feeling terribly creative?
Go meta.
How do you ace a job interview?
Interview someone they just interviewed. Find out what they asked.
How do you determine what they originally used Stonehenge for?
Investigate, calculate, interpolate, extrapolate, speculate, or use InvisibleWombat’s time machine
How do you play Botticelli?
Google-fu. And, type fast!!!
How do you best show a cat that you love him?
Food, attention, food, toys, food, a comfy sleeping place, food.
How do you show a wolverine that you love him?
Lots of personal space.
How do you flirt with a Doper?
Check orientation. Repeatedly use macro that says “How you doin’?”
How do you find your soulmate?
Date everyone.
How do you bake a cake?