1 lb butter, 1 lb flour, 1 lb sugar; heat.
How do you decide what to do for an upcoming weekend?
Check movie schedule, call friends, make plans for dinner, enjoy.
How do you perform a circumcision on an angry gorilla?
Find interns. Threaten them. Monitor progress from outside gorilla enclosure.
How do you choose a really good apple?
First, avoid the one offered by the wicked stepmother.
How do you get onto the Dr. Phil show?
Accuse Dad’s new wife of poisoning your apples.
How do you fix the economy?
Worry more about our problems and less about everyone else’s.
How do you make the perfect margarita?
3 oz of premium tequila, 5 oz of margarita mix. Dump the mix down the sink, enjoy.
How do you make the perfect grilled cheese sandwich?
Rye bread; pepper jack cheese.
How do you handle waking up an hour before the alarm goes off?
If it’s a problem, melatonin. If not, extra surfing time!
How do you get slugs to leave the basil alone, dammit?
Buy the dried stuff in a jar. McCormick brand’s good.
What would it take to make Carrot Top funny?
A wooden baseball bat to the head repeatedly or drugs.
How do you stay awake through endless meetings with a limited supply of caffeine?
Stick yourself with a pin. Repeatedly.
How do you win at Scrabble?
Learn words like qi, qat, and cwm…or cheat…
How do you cheat at Scrabble without getting caught?
Play online. Use tools found here to finesse an advantage.
How do you calm down a fussbudget?
Benadryl
How do you deal with fundamentalist Christian warmongerers in the workplace?
Tell them you’ll pray for them.
How do you deal with a rainy day when you forgot your umbrella?
Put a plastic bag on your head.
How do you deal with a raging lunatic of a stalker?
Put a plastic bag over his head.
How do you deal with a metric buttload of plastic bags in the broom closet?
Attract more stalkers. In the rain.
How do you grow a giant pumpkin?
From giant pumpkin seeds.
What do you say to a naked lady?