Oh good, you got the memo. I need some dictation.
What do you do with the sexual harassment suit this generates?
Spin it to say that it proves “the system works.”
How do you work to add more random acts of kindness to the pool?
Mix them in with the chlorine.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?
Bzzt! Not a how-to question; try again.
How do you keep a game thread from dying when someone makes an illegal move?
Take it into your own hands and get it rolling.
How do you not take a half day when the rest of the office is at a golf turnament?
Spend the extra time writing “how-to” instructions for Dopers.
How do you get a woodchuck to chuck more wood?
Provide financial incentives.
How do you kick a Dr. Phil addiction?
Replace it with soap opera addiction.
How do you know if you are sane?
You don’t watch daytime TV.
How do you fix a cracked sidewalk?
Chill beer, chisel out crack, clean debris, fill, drink beer.
How do you win the Stanley Cup?
Win more hockey games than everyone else. Duh!
How do you feign an interest in professional sports?
Determine leader. Say “I think they’re going all the way.”
How do you trim a dog’s toenails without making them bleed?
Take pooch for walks on rough surfaces (head toward groomer).
How do you trim a cat’s claws without getting bloodied?
Put them kittens on their backs and handle their feet.
(seriously - this works. One of my cats lays in my lap and purrs when I trim his claws. Another has been known to fall asleep while I was trimming his)
How do you trim a grizzly bear’s claws?
Same way you give a circumcision to an angry gorilla.
How do you grow one’s arms four to six inches, while leaving both limbs still usable?
Start with a three-year old and be patient.
How do you change the oil in a car?
Take it to a mechanic. Duh, why do it yourself?
How can you tell how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
One; get a power drill and water as a lubricant.
How do you convince the kid this is a valid answer?
Threaten them with the power drill until they agree.
How do you convince CPS that you’re just kidding?