Play tape with voice saying “Take Bath”. He’ll have to.
How do you survive an overlong election season?
Tune in infrequently; once a month should do it.
How do you decide which movie to put at the top of your Netflix queue?
Go by dewey decimal system from lowest number to highest.
How do you stop thinking about going fishing on a beautiful work day?
By faking an illness and going fishing 
How do you get deal with monsters under the bed?
Get rid of the bed; sleep on the floor.
How do you lose weight without eating less and exercising more?
Acquire a parasite or two. Tapeworms are good, I hear.
How do you imitate a T-Rex for a young child?
Hold hands like claws; lumber mightily; roar!
How do you win at Monopoly?
Buy railroads. If all else fails, do your Tyrannosaur impression.
How do you get out of bed in the morning?
I have a wake-up cat. Your results may vary.
How do you get going in the morning?
coffee, shower, yell at kids, open eyes, more coffee
How do you meditate?
Close eyes; breathe slowly; when distractions arise, let them go.
How do you remember your SO’s birthday?
Find a SO with birthday on a date you remember.
How do you make reading the phonebook sound interesting?
Get Alan Rickman to do it!!!
How do you find a missing kitteh?
Tell the Great Dane to “find kitteh.” Listen for yowls.
How do you make the perfect cup of coffee?
Look busy, hope someone else will do it.
How do you win an eBay auction?
Hack the Ebay site and make youself the only bidder.
How do you look like your working while surfing the Dope?
Frown thoughtfully. Take occasional notes. Turn around and staple something.
How do you deal with a passive aggressive person?
P.S. kitteh turned up yay!
Be more passive agressive then them or just be agressive.
How do you learn where to go in a new city?
I’m at work and you’ve just blown my cover by making me laugh out loud, blow my stack of notes across the room and drop my stapler.
Thanks a lot!
Ask same-age workmates. They know you’re a partier now anyways.
How do you find a blue disposable contact lens in a blue bathroom (they fold up)?
Google, Mapquest & Start a New Thread!
How do you explain to someone what The Straight Dope is exactly?