Skim National Enquirer, lust for candy, fidget, grumble, unload cart.
How do you make a million dollars?
Be the “civilian” in a celeb sex scandal; sell story.
How do you deal with insomnia?
Shop hardware store. Get rawhide mallet. Apply directly to forehead!
How do you deal with headaches? 
Hit head with hammer less, or more. Your call.
How do you defend yourself from an army of angry five year olds?
With an uzi, large amounts of ammunition, and some love.
How do you steal the Crown Jewels?
Lower yourself in from above, dodging laser rays of alarms.
How do you win American Idol?
Don’t Practice. Don’t practice. Don’t practice. Practice just a little.
How do you make a lefthand turn in heavy traffic?
Turn on lights and siren. Zip through. Turn them off.
How do you deal with an alien infestation?
Run, scream, plot, die, more runing, screaming, sneeze on them.
How do you get up the will to go to work every day?
Get up and dressed before regaining full consciousness; keep going.
How do you make a hand puppet?
Cut hand off corpse. Embalm hand. Attach strings to tendons.
How do you BBQ a roast suckling pig?
Get him to run, get him elected; insert Cheney’s hand.
(apologies for injecting politics)
How can Obama win PA tomorrow?
Sorry, I missed this one:
Buy ticket to Memphis, have my Aunt Sister do her thang!
How can Obama win PA tomorrow?
Hope like hell the Philly turnout is enough to prevail.
How do you mend a broken heart?
You don’t. They work even when broken.
How do you keep a manicure for more than 5 minutes?
You don’t. Unless you lead an uninteresting life, of course.
How do you count cards?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven and so on.
How do you write poetry so bad that you’ll be remembered for it?
Become famous. Write bad poetry. Use fame to promote poetry.
How does one commit regicide?
Beheadings (with or without guillotine) and firing squads are popular.
How do you dress to impress?
Buy expensive clothes. Wear no underpants when exiting fancy cars.
How do you hang a picture on the wall?