Chocolate, wild monkey sex, chocolate, booze, chocolate, superglue, chocolate, time.
How do you quit a book club?
Booze, superglue and wild monkey sex at the next meeting.
How do you tell if an octopus is a boy octopus or a girl octopus?
How many tentacles down pantsfront as he/she watches TV.
How do you tell a very young child a pet has died.
Died? Don’t you mean “has gone to the farm”?
How do you talk your way out of a speeding ticket?
“Hi,Officer. I just got back from Iraq. Good Day!”
How do you fly fish?
(I was drinking coffee when I read this. You do not owe me a new monitor, but you do need to clean my glasses)
Add wings, propellers, engines, fuel.
How do you find the time?
Call up Morris Day, ask what they’re doing these days.
How do you miss the broad side of a barn?
:: proffers tissue (and thanks) ::
Look at the narrow side, aim carefully, and fire.
How do you bowl a perfect game?
Drink a beer, bowl a strike. Drink more beer; 300.
How do you convince your wife you were bowling and not at a bar?
Knock down all the pins, repeat twelve times, gloat
How do you get a cat out from a tree?
Never mind I like Oredigger77’s answer better 
Don heavy gloves. Climb tree. Grab cat. Struggle. Fall. Ouch.
LEFTOVER UNANSWERED ANSWER FROM POST 109:
Get powder on pants, spray shoes, brag about your score.
EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS ANSWER:
Take hostages. Threaten to hurt them if he doesn’t braid.
How do you make a Doper only answer one question instead of three?
Be certain the question doesn’t involve Opal in any way.
What is 14 k of g in a f p d?
Perhaps fourteen kilograms of gravy in a fondue pot: delicious!
(that wasn’t actually a “how-to” question)
How do you dance with the devil under a full moon?
Very carefully. Very, very, very, very, very, very, very carefully.
How do you remember whether you turned down the thermostat at night?
Slip foot out of covers.
How do you make a cappachino?
Make a caffé latte with less milk.
How do you convince Turkish soldiers not to look in the hidden compartment at the bottom of your camera case?
ETA: Hurry!
Distract them by joking about their funny hats.
Just as well, maybe, that you didn’t get this one very soon.
How do you make a perfect martini?
Pour vodka in martini glass add splash of vodka: martini.
How do you find a 25 year old girl to go to a Beach Boys concert?
Ask Eliot Spitzer for his little black book. Bring cash.
How do you clean a non-self-cleaning oven?
Take off, nuke from orbit, only way to be sure.
How do you install Windows Vista?