These people are endemic in teaching, and the worst thing is not that they won’t shut up, but that they get everyone else started, and you have a chorus of them. I swear I have seen people change for the worse because they had a “bad” lunch or planning, when two or three serious whinners were in their lunch or planning period and it soured them on teaching, on everything. My solution to the exact same problem was to abandon the teacher’s lounge: I go in there only to use the restroom, and we have a lunch group that meets in my room. Do we gripe? Sometimes. Ok, often. But it’s with people who all also have positive things to say. The risk is being seen as anti-social and exclusionary, so I keep inviting people to join us. But I won’t eat in the lounge.
The other other thing that amazes me is how people don’t realize that the constant bitching about your job makes you look incompetent and is the reason you never get promoted or otherwise honored. One of the best teachers in our building has been bumped from assignment to assignment and is basically getting the treatment you get when they want you gone because she’s so freaking negaitve that the Powers That Be don’t see that none of that comes out in the classroom (and I’ve seen her teach. She really is wonderful). I really can’t blame them for not understanding it, though–nothing outside the classroom suggests she has anything but contempt for the school or the kids. Maybe find some way to convey this to the whiner? Make her realize, subtlely, that she is hurting her own prospects?
I have a (ex- that works, too) whiney friend. She complains and complains, but if I offer any suggestions, she counters with what I call ‘the "yes, but…’"- which is a list of whiney reasons why she can’t fix her problems.
When she pulled the famous “yes, but…”, I started saying something like “Wow, I guess your problems really are insurmountable. Sorry. Would you pass the salt.”
That kind of surprised her at first, then she began offering solutions to whatever her problem was and asking if I thought the solutions would work.
I dumped her as a friend anyway. I know that seems cruel, but she’s such a downer.
You’re right, and my advice is only an opening gambit. If someone doesn’t respond to that, they’ve got more serious problems than any coworker can handle. Some kind of escalation would be necessary in that case.
Also, my advice is most definitely easier posted on an anonymous message board than said to a real persons’ face. I can do it, but it’s very hard.
That’s very interesting, Maastricht (I’m going to have to ask you how to pronounce a double a some day ). So, basically, you stop playing the game with them and leave them wondering what to do next, since you didn’t follow the rules.
I would suggest that you tell her how negative she is, minlokwat in a way that shouldn’t make her defensive. Tell her something like, “I find it difficult to be around someone who is as negative as you tend to be.” and then leave it for a while. See if she reins it in - she might not even realize how negative she is to be around.
If she continues being just as negative, you might want to casually mention to her that being a victim means giving up all the power in your life as well as the responsibility. Plant a seed with her that she might cogitate on. And if she continues being negative with no indication that she has any intention of doing anything about her problems, avoid her. Life is too short to be around people who aren’t even trying to enjoy it.
I’ve been reading this thread with great interest. Some of these scenarios I can actually see myself saying, others I could only fantasize about.
Featherlou, you seem a genuinely compassionate person. Your suggestion seems the most plausible and constructive. Particularly since I’m sensing that this will be my last year at this school and it might actually do some good.
Also echoing what **Mando JO ** said, I don’t know if people realize how rampant this negativity infects the morale of today’s educators. I consider it a major contributing factor to the situation we currently find ourselves in.
And can be made even more awesomer by saying, " Gee, sucks to be you, huh." and leave the room.
Or, (to show you who is the true alpha wolf ) stay put and see who leaves the room first. Fun times.
I don’t have any advice, but I can sympathize. For two years I worked with Kate the Whiner. From day one she looked and acted sulky, and she did nothing but complain. We tried hard to help her fit in, get the training she needed, and feel comfortable. She would have none of it. During her time at the company, I don’t think she ever took something and did it cheerfully. She always had to question, complain, and whine about how it was stupid or degrading or harder than it had to be. And sure–when you’re new, sometimes you see things that can be changed because you have a fresh perspective. But good Og. She thought she was better at everything and that all of us were idiots.
I have a current coworker who’s also quite the downer. She can bring down even the most fun outing–and she brings on most of her problems herself. Needless to say, she tends to be excluded quite a bit. I feel bad for her, but it’s hard to work up much enthusiasm for spending a lot of time with her.
I used to be a whiner. In my case it was how my family interacted, mostly. We bond by complaining.
I have one friend who I admire deeply because he is very good at stating his feelings clearly and dispassionately and cutting through all the layers of social bullshit that make it so hard for people to communicate with each other. He told me once, “I’m frustrated that whenever I offer you a suggestions about whatever you’re complaining about, you shoot me down. Do you want to solve these problems or not?”
And I thought about it and said, “You’re right. I don’t want a solution. I just want a sympathetic ear.”
And he said, “Oh. Okay. I’m going to stop offering solutions, then.”
And I said, “Okay, that’s fine with me.”
We’re both a little weird. And he was kind enough to listen to me complain, and be sympathetic.
At some point I realized that complaining was not having the positive effects I thought it was. It wasn’t making me feel better, it was only amusing my friends sporadically, and in general it was just bringing me and everyone around me down. When I realized this, I stopped. If somebody had told me that they didn’t like to listen to me complain in a straightfoward way, I might have stopped sooner. But that’s me, and, as mentioned before, I’m weird.
(The advantage of its brevity is lost if you preface the phrase with “for fuck’s sake” or append “you whiny kack,” but you find the additional emotional satisfaction worth the verbosity.)
). So, basically, you stop playing the game with them and leave them wondering what to do next, since you didn’t follow the rules.