How to deal with bipolar sibling

Great Debates
1

My brother turns 40 today. He lives at home with my parents, who are 79 and 72. He doesn’t work, and my parents may not see him for days at a time. He was diagnosed with borderline personality nearly 20 years ago, soon after he downed a bottle of aspirin (which he did twice, the last time maybe 15 or 16 years ago). He’s not on meds and was only on them for a short while. Perhaps my parents should have taken a harder line with him years ago, but they didn’t, and here we are.
He’s no slouch intellectually, and probably has more book knowledge than anyone in the family (which has one law degree, 2 masters, and 5 b.a.'s, including his). His mood swings are incredibly drastic, and, because of this, when he does engage with others, which isn’t often, there’s a natural inclination to be extra careful to not say anything that could set him off - which, in his case, is to vanish, to retreat to his bedroom. To compound things, when he does engage, he may opine on any number of subjects with an authoritative air, without any real world knowledge to back up many of his assertions. He’s not violent or physically threatening, though he does most certainly engage in verbal attacks (snide, hurtful comments often aimed at vulnerable spots of the target of his derision, most often my mother).
The family believes that he believes that he’ll go right on living in the house after my parents have departed, and that just isn’t in the cards. The house is owned, it’s not a big house, but it’s too big for a person that doesn’t work. We feel that the best scenario would be a 2 br condo that the fam could own that he could live in. Our family has finally started discussing what the plan should be as to how to address it (his future living conditions and possible ssi application) with him, but there’s been some disagreement.
There’s been talk of an intervention, either with or without an outside professional involved, which I disagree with - I don’t anticipate that working. My own suggestion is to talk to him myself, with my father in the room - I’ve got the best relationship with him. Of course that could be (and possibly would be) disastrous as well.
I know that I’ve given just a small glimpse here, but I’m hoping that there may be others here who’ve had to deal with a similar situation, or know others who have.

note to mods - please move if needed; i put here bc i figured this could end up in a debate

2

Many people confuse the two due to the similar acronyms, but Borderline Personality Disorder is a completely different animal from Bipolar Disorder.

If he’s well and truly Borderline, there’s very little that you or anyone can do to help him until he decides that he wants to do the work to change the way that fundamental aspects of his personality affect his behavior and the way he interacts with the rest of the world.

Until that time comes, the only constructive course of action for you and your family to take is to take steps to protect yourselves from him.

3

I know meds can suck–especially if you haven’t found the right combination–but I would suggest telling him that from now on, unless he starts taking his meds AND go into therapy, his relationship with the family could be one of estrangement. And I would list the reasons why, focusing on his disrespectful behavior and the discomfort his mood swings bring to everyone.

I would also ask him what he envisions his life to be without the care of his parents. He probably won’t have a good answer, so that could be an entrance to laying down the ultimatum.

4

First, you mentioned discussing SSI with him. If he’s unable to work, he should already have applied for disability. This can be difficult – you almost always have to appeal as the initial application is generally denied – but is worth it in the long run.

Second, as monstro has mentioned, it often takes a lot of serious work to get a set of meds that are appropriately calibrated. It’s also important to get serious therapy to help deal with the condition. A person with bipolar disorder under good therapy can learn to deal with the illness. There are quite a number of well-known and successful people who have bipolar disorder. I don’t know enough about borderline personality disorder to comment on that; it’s not clear which problem this individual is dealing with.

5

Thank you for the responses; apologies for the misleading title, I put bipolar because it’s more well known, and, frankly, I’m not sure which disorder he suffers from, as he has displayed behavior associated with each.
I do agree, monstro, that asking him what he envisions is a good tack. Thanks for the suggestion.
One good thing is that he does work out - running and bicycling are his main regimens.