When pulled over, be sure to offer the Cop your commentary on how their time could be better spent putting rapists and muderer in jail, rather than bother a simple speeder like yourself. Cops appreciate civilians who are interested in the process and how to improve it.
Police live very stressful lives. Let them know you care. Carry an ounce of marijuana in several smaller bags at all times, all with pre-rolled joints marked $20. When you see the siren, light up so you can offer the stress-relieving agent to the officer when he walks up to your car. The best way to entice him is to keep your windows shut and allow a lot of smoke to accumulate in the car, so he can get an accurate smell of the grade and potency of your stash.
If the cop looks out of shape, take him for a little jog around the neighborhood, he will appreciate this at his next physical.
Some cops do like show music (mostly the same ones who like man boobs). I suggest a roaring rendition of West Side Story’s “Officer Krupke.”
Also, police officers are truly impressed with a layman who can debate the finer points of law, whether or not that layman actually has any legal qualifications. A long speech about the rights of man and how “this charge will never hold up in court” will usually gey you off the hook. You’ll find that vague memories of old Perry Mason episodes will be able to give you all the legal training needed.
It’s rare that any kind of smooth-talking will alllow you to avoid a ticket, so why bother? If you just tell the officer that he need not argue with you but can just write the ticket already, because you’re in a hurry, he’ll no doubt appreciate and reward your brevity and straightforwardness.
If you know any undercover cops, make sure to point them out to people in public. They never get any recognition, and will appreciate the attention.
If an officer stops you on the street, quickly grab your cell phone off your hip and offer it to the officer so he can call in the stop to Headquarters.
[nitpick]
These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
[/np]
You knew someone would do it.
Make sure your cell phone rings every five minutes, and answer it while the cop is there, making him wait to interrogate you so you can listen to your friend’s description oof Must-see-TV or talk to your cat. Cops appreciate busy, type-A go-getters like that.
I got my very first speeding ticket ever, in 20 years of driving, last week. Rassin frassin spotless record, soiled! Grumble grumble.
When the sheriff’s deputy came up to my window, he said, “What’s the rush?”
Immediate thought: “Hey, driving fast is its own rush, dude.”
Wisely, I referred only to being late for work.
I still would have liked to have seen the expression on his face.
If the police officer should happen to ask “how much have you had to drink tonight?”, be sure to say “NOT ENOUGH, APPARENTLY!” as loudly as you can. My experience is that this will impress him to no end…
Also, let the officer know that you’re on his side by reminding him that “my taxes pay your salary”.
Pop a couple Altoids right when he gets to the window. Cops hate stopping people with bad breath, and while the tin is still out you can offer him one.
It’s very boring for officers to lie in wait for a speeder. Should you ever get pulled over you might get out of the ticket by helping to alleviate their boredom with some simple games, like:
Driver’s License Hide-and-Seek
20 Questions
I see with my little eye
And remember it’s important to stand by your rights - like your right to be silent. Don’t say a word to the officer even when he tries to trick you by asking you questions like, “What’s your name?” or “Where’s your license and registration?” or “Are you okay sir?”
But first offer him the tin that contains your stash of mary jane. Big laffs.
Once he is at the window, mention that this interaction will be monitored for quality assurance and for the pending officer brutality hearing, then turn on the camcorder (or digital recording device).
My friend Phil had a bumper sticker that read: “All Cops Are Assholes!”
They were always pulling him over to tell him how funny they thought it was.
I think I read this one in State By State with The State:
When the cop pulls you over and asks for your license, say you must have left it “under your balls”. Ease them out, let Johnny Law drink in the eye candy. Cops like nothing more than a testes fiesta.