How to deal with Scientologists

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I don’t see this much anymore, but 20+ years ago, I would get accosted on the streets on a daily basis by prosletizers. Many of them were Bible Study groups (who are they? Are they the cultish Church of Christ?), Krshnas, and of course Scientologists.

The latter usually introduced themselves by offering to give you a “free personality test.” This, I understand, would involve you going to some building somewhere, where your indoctrination would begin. Having never gone, I don’t know what happens there.

These people would badger you until you either submitted or told them to fuck off. Even then, sometimes they’d still badger you. My friends and I would sometimes spend long hours thinking of ways to get these assholes to go away. The best I ever came up with was “Sorry, I don’t have a personality. I lost it in a poker bet.” This was usually enough to stop them in their tracks long enough to make my escape. My friend Ed, who was kind of a hairy, scary looking guy, would just shout “ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!” right into their faces. It would usually frighten them right off.

My GF, however, came up with the ultimate response once. This one particular clam would cross the street to meet her, every single day, and he would not desist. This went on for something like six months, without a break. She just could not get away from this guy.

Finally one day, she decided to talk to him.

“That does sound interesting. Do you account for multi-variant relationships? Is the test double-blind? Do you use Adorno’s authoritarian scale?” And on and on, peppering the clam with all sorts of technical questions, 90% of which I don’t understand, so I can’t really repeat them verbatim.

“Um… I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?!? How can you administer a personality test without taking into account Dr. Hrffendvzer’s measure of quasi-canine diabetic neurosis factors?!?” Or something real technical like that. “What kind of a personality test is this?!?”

“Er… Uh… How do you know so much?”

“I’m a psychologist. I design personality tests.”

The clam turned white as a ghost, and fled. From that point on, he crossed the street to avoid her.

2

Well to the title question of “How to Deal with Scientologists” my quick and dirty answer would be to point and laugh.

Literally.

As to the bit about scaring them off… Well my mom once handled some born again Christians who were determined to see our family become religious. They had come knocking on the door just one too many times, and when my mom opened the door to find out it was them again she quite let them know how much she would be fully willing to prosecute them in a court of law if they continued to pester us. Never saw them again.

Not sure if there is a law that she could actually have taken them to court over, but it worked.

3

I once had a neighbor who felt it was her duty to wake me up at 7 AM to inform me that our grass was getting too long, our dog had barked all night (the dog was barking at people hanging around our fence, as it happened, and she shut up when the loiterers moved on), and similar urgent messages. I explained to this neighbor that my husband and I both worked odd shifts, and that early in the morning was NEVER a good time for us. Finally, I answered the door one time with one of my husband’s rifles in hand. She never EVER rang our doorbell again.

4

I used to occasionally pelt female Scientologists with frank come-ons, but I notice they usually travel in mixed-sex groups lately. I’d hate to get saucy with some cult-sister only to be set upon by some such posse as these guys.

5

You could always try the Master Wang-ka approach.

6

I was told many years ago that saying “blow the org” was a big insult - it is Scientology lingo for “quit the organization” and only used by those who had once been a member and then quit. Supposedly, the Scientologists on the street don’t want to deal with disgruntled ex-members and usually scurry off in another direction.

7

Tell them about Xenu. I bet these street-annoyers haven’t gone far enough to learn about the DC-8s and all that other horseshit. It might be fun to see their denials.

8

Evangelize them.

9

I usually deal with prosletizers by acting as though the whole religion concept is alien to me. If they want me to bite, they’re going to have to start from scratch molecules and get me to buy into every little ridiculous detail.

It’ll be a lot like kissing Hank’s ass.

10

“Here. Have a Prozac” :slight_smile:

11

i think the IRA take care of those guys round my way. i’ve certainly never experienced one. i feel left out.

12

You could do what my roommate did. She talked to them, took a personality test, and even filled out a bunch of personal information for them. Then she came home and told me about how hilarious and nutty they were and that we could expect some funny scientology junk mail in the next few days. :smiley:

13

a girl I knew in college swore the best way to get rid of any annoying street pest was to start skipping around singing “Zippidy Doo Dah” at the top of your lungs (I guess to make yourself an even more annoying pest and scare them off?)

The line I’ve always wanted to use on the Scientologists but never had the nerve to: “L. Ron came to me in a dream last night and told me he was wrong after all.”

Altho the mental image of a big hairy guy in his gotchies running at them with a sword is strangely appealing… (can’t help but wonder how that day would have turned out if he’d chosen the dildo instead…)

14

i was really hoping he would pick the dildo.

15

Only if charges were filed he’d be charged with sexual assault.

16

Look them in the eye, say “Why the fuck would I join a cult?”, then walk away.

17

Mention Tom Cruise: If I join Scientology do I get to have two divorces, jump on Oprah’s couch, criticize Brooke Shield’s medical treatment and sire an invisible bastard child?

18

That was classic. Thanks for the linky.

19

Don’t stook their ego. I’m sure it’s big enough and they’re ready to burst into extolations at the first hint, that you might care about anything they say.

20

Crush them, drive them before you, and enjoy the lamentations of the mollusks.