How to destroy the Earth

[UncleRojelio]

Destroying the Earth is harder than you may have been led to believe.

You’ve seen the action movies where the bad guy threatens to destroy the Earth. You’ve heard people on the news claiming that the next nuclear war or cutting down rainforests or persisting in releasing hideous quantities of pollution into the atmosphere threatens to end the world.

Fools.

The Earth was built to last. It is a 4,550,000,000-year-old, 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000-tonne ball of iron. It has taken more devastating asteroid hits in its lifetime than you’ve had hot dinners, and lo, it still orbits merrily. So my first piece of advice to you, dear would-be Earth-destroyer, is: do NOT think this will be easy.

This is not a guide for wusses whose aim is merely to wipe out humanity. I can in no way guarantee the complete extinction of the human race via any of these methods, real or imaginary. Humanity is wily and resourceful, and many of the methods outlined below will take many years to even become available, let alone implement, by which time mankind may well have spread to other planets; indeed, other star systems. If total human genocide is your ultimate goal, you are reading the wrong document. There are far more efficient ways of doing this, many which are available and feasible RIGHT NOW. Nor is this a guide for those wanting to annihilate everything from single-celled life upwards, render Earth uninhabitable or simply conquer it. These are trivial goals in comparison.

This is a guide for those who do not want the Earth to be there anymore.

Link

[MacTech]

naah, you just need the Illudium P-36 Explosive Space Modulator™

[VunderBob]

@MacTech

naah, you just need the Illudium P-36 Explosive Space Modulator™

The Vogon Constructor Fleet did the job without a P-36…

[rjk]

@VunderBob

The Vogon Constructor Fleet did the job without a P-36…

Well, sure, but they had to call in a whole fleet. We want to do it solo! For that you need the P-36.

[MacTech]

true, Jeltz’s request for a P-36 had been held up by the Vogon Bueracracy Department, (an underling forgot to fill out the neccecary TPS reports) so they had to make do with their own knock-off copy, the V-63…

[rjk]

Damn bureaucracy! We might have to highjack Marvin’s next shipment.

[Hal_Briston]

@MacTech

(an underling forgot to fill out the neccecary TPS reports)

Actually, as I understand it the forms were filled out. But it seems they forget a cover sheet, so…

[CynicalGabe]

I’m pretty sure a Vorlon Planet Killer or Shadow Death Cloud would have little difficulty with the job.

[Terminus_Est]

A 1920’s-style death ray should do the trick.

[NurseCarmen]

Well written.

But when you go from the redness of that page to the relative whiteness of the SDMB pages, it really freaks your eyes out. Now my stapler looks red even.

[PussyCow]

By this statement:

For the purposes of what I hope to be a technically and scientifically accurate document, I will define our goal thus: by any means necessary, to render the Earth into a form in which it may no longer be considered a planet. Such forms include, but are most definitely not limited to: two or more planets; any number of smaller asteroids; a quantum singularity; a dust cloud.

I would have to argue that the Earth HAS been destroyed, at least once. I refer to the collision of proto-Earth with Theia. The event which formed our Moon. While the Earth was not completely detroyed, it can be argued that it broke into 2 planets. It can also be argued that the proto-Earth’s chemistry changed a bit. It gained a larger iron core and probably some other siderophiles at the same time.
Technically.

[Syntropy]

@rjk

Well, sure, but they had to call in a whole fleet. We want to do it solo! For that you need the P-36.

Gah! Impostor! This is why you will never destroy the Earth. It is not an Illudium P36 Explosive Space Modulator. It is an Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator. Hmph. Kids these days.

[Kent_Clark]

So long, and thanks for the fish!

[wheelie]

That’s the problem with plural sectors in this galaxy. Sure, you can destroy the earth, but it just keeps popping back into existence. (Just ask the Vogons)
I say just set up an SEP field and be done with it .

[matt_mcl]

I appreciate his inclusion among methods that will fail to destroy the Earth:

Gay marriage.

[Ranchoth]

Y’know, I think we had a thread here, awhile back, on how to destroy the planet…I think we even figured out a way to send Earth plummeting into the sun.

[rjk]

@Maureen

Gah! Impostor! This is why you will never destroy the Earth. It is not an Illudium P36 Explosive Space Modulator. It is an Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator. Hmph. Kids these days.

:smack: Don’t blame me! I knew that! I was just misled by MacTech! Look at this:

@MacTech

naah, you just need the Illudium P-36 Explosive Space Modulator™

See? You just can’t trust these kids!

[OtakuLoki]

@PussyCow

By this statement:

I would have to argue that the Earth HAS been destroyed, at least once. I refer to the collision of proto-Earth with Theia. The event which formed our Moon. While the Earth was not completely detroyed, it can be argued that it broke into 2 planets. It can also be argued that the proto-Earth’s chemistry changed a bit. It gained a larger iron core and probably some other siderophiles at the same time.
Technically.

Just a nitpick - the collision with Theia is not yet proven, AIUI. It is a mathmatematical model that has accounted for the situation as we see it, now, but no proof of the theory has been made beyond that. Somewhat similar to the Alverez’ hypothesis.

This is not to say that either theory is wrong. Just not proven, yet.