Anyone here ever suspected they were being used by a friend and confronted the situation head on? How did it go?
I have a friend that I adore but sadly the signs are pointing to the friendship being one-sided on my part. I’m not sure how best to approach it. Any advice would be enormously appreciated.
Is it a just a phase? I have friends who have been through cycles of completely supporting me while asking nothing in return and cycles of needing near daily handholding and being unable to provide any support for anyone else.
If it seems like it’s a short term problem in a long term friendship just bite the bullet and ride it out.
I’ve been in that situation and I just gradually stopped initiating contact with them. If they really cared they would wonder what’s up and ask you. This particular person did reach out a few times, but the relationship just petered out, and I realized it actually wasn’t that much of a loss after all.
When I feel that things are one-sided and/or that I’m being used, I stop calling the person. If one month goes by and they don’t call me, I drop them, and I let them know that I’m dropping them and why. Everyone goes through hard times sometimes, and everyone needs help sometimes, but if you can’t put forth an effort in a month, then obviously I’m not really your friend.
If both parties are getting what they want out of a relationship, then nobody is being used. Or both parties are being used.
If your friend is getting what he/she wants out of the relationship, and you are not, then you’re being used. Time for an adult conversation where you explain that you feel he/she is not supportive of your needs, and that needs to change. If no change is forthcoming, start declining invitations, stop offering them, and screen your calls. Your friend will likely get the hint.
Thanks for the excellent advice Dopers. Brilliant link** Machine Elf**! I think I will be able to navigate things a little more clearly from here.
How do you go about telling them Alice?
I’ve only had to do it a couple of times, but basically I just let them know that the fact that they haven’t contacted me in a month tells me that my friendship just isn’t that important to them, and so I don’t see us as being on the same wavelength.
And meanwhile, I assume that you aren’t contacting them in that month? Might they be feeling the same about you?
But really, 1 month without contact, and the person isn’t really your friend? Hell, I’ve got friends that I talk to a couple of times a year. We’ve moved to different places, and things like family and jobs happened. That doesn’t mean that we aren’t friends.
While I somewhat agree with CatherineZeta and Alice the Goon, I don’t think I’d be so extreme as to officially ‘drop’ them by telling them as much. I would just stop initiating contact.
I have had two types of friends ‘use me’ that seem somewhat forgivable. In the first case, that person had two kids in rapid succession and their life turned upside down. As a result, any time spent with them is me having to go to their house 100% of the time and hang out on their schedule. Most of the time, they don’t have the time or money to go out, even for fast food, unless I pick it up and bring it to their house. When they do have time/money, our ‘hanging out’ time always involves at least some “come run errands with me” activity. I don’t enjoy that, but accept that I have to compromise if I want the friendship to last, which I do, because this is a long time friend, and when the kids get older, this will be less of a problem.
The other one is a work friend from a previous job. He always got paid a lot less than me, and shortly after I left the company because I knew layoffs were coming, he got laid off. We used to hang out and try new restaurants, but he has been an independent contractor for the last year and money is extremely tight. About 90% of the time when we hang out now, it is to do some near zero-cost thing (like hiking), where I have to drive and eat the cost of gas. Or it seems to be me solving some problem in his life that is usually, a “how do I fix this broken thing that usually costs money, but that I want you to fix for me for free?” thing. Again, this is not particularly fun for me. What really annoys me about this, though, is he always springs the “fix my broken stuff” thing on me when I am out with him, rather than asking me in advance, so that I can bring the proper tools to do the job. This always necessitates a second visit just to fix the thing, though I know he knows he is going to ask once I am there. I have mentioned this to him several times and all he can do is apologize that he doesn’t think of it at the time.
Not hearing from either friend in a month is not uncommon, though increasingly more so with the second friend, who is on thin ice since he doesn’t have kids as an excuse. Either way, I would just let the friendship naturally fizzle out rather than taking an active role to end them.
The only time I have taken a quasi-active role was when I had friends (almost always this was a mutual friend of both myself and my wife) who would ask us to do favors for them, but would never reciprocate. The classic was the “could you watch my dog, as I’m going out of town” thing. Even then, after a while I would be passive aggressive and simply lie and say we couldn’t do it when they’d ask, while still asking them to watch our dog at various times. Eventually, they would get pissed off and say “hey, you never watch my dog!”, and I would remind them of all the times we had, at which point they would usually dump me as a friend when they discovered they couldn’t use me.
I’m talking more about close friends. If I feel that I’m giving, giving, giving, and not getting anything in return, that shit gets old.
I can’t say I’ve ever been used that I can recall. I do have a friend who drones on about her love life and crazy family… but I love it. She tells a good story and I occasionally play therapist. She’ll weigh in on my own worries once in a while, but I’m happier hearing about her drama (since I don’t have much). And other friends have gone through very difficult times, from months to years, without me asking for much in return. The trick is, that when I do, they’ve been there to support me. I don’t think we support one another in exactly the same way, we’re too different in personality, but all I ask is that we do it to the best of our abilities.
I think I might be being a little oversensitive and beating up on myself a bit. I don’t have many guy friends and do my best to nurture the friendships I have while firmly maintaining my relationship with Mr Ritter. I think this dynamic might mean that I do a bit more of the inviting stuff lest the guy friends think it would encroach on my SO. All my friends are ‘friends of the relationship’, which is important, but the connection is maintained by me instead of us as a couple. Gahhh. I’m not sure. I think I will wait and see how the next interaction goes and play it by ear.
Thanks for all the feedback y’all!
Perhaps they feel the same way?
Well, this is after a while of me being the only one calling, not just on a whim.
I think in Alice’s**** example she’s been reaching out to an unresponsive person and then stops and makes her judgment based on whether they reach out on their own.
ETA: She beat me to it.