Wear shorts and a tank top. Some people say you should wear pants and a leather jacket, or even chaps, but those people are wimps who can’t take a bit of debris hitting them and don’t like road rash scars. Ignore them.
Put your left hand on your hip with your elbow sticking out. Riding with both hands on the handlebars is too easy, as you will have too much balance and control, and that’s not much of a challenge, is it?
Speed and weave between other vehicles on the freeway, preferably box trucks, or even better, big rigs. You must hone your reflexes for those inevitable times when the cops try to give you a ticket for your “reckless driving”.
If you are feeling really cool, try for an endo. It’s like a wheelie but on your front wheel instead. Successfully doing an endo will score you massive points with the chicks. Unsuccessfully, however… well, scars are cool too.
Part II: Cars
You can speed and weave in a car, too. Try it sometime. But for the ultimate driving experience, you need do to this: Get in your BMW convertible, making sure the top is down. Proceed to the freeway for speeding and weaving. Make a call to someone important on your very small and hip cell phone, like your stockbroker or agent. Now, there will be some noise from the wind, and from other drivers who express their petty jealousy by honking and shouting obcenities at you. To combat this, hunch down over the steering wheel, place your forefinger of your free hand in your ear, and steer with your elbows. You can also use your knees to help steer. Once you do this, you will be much closer to achieving driving Nirvana.
Don’t forget, if you’re turning left, swerve sharply and unnecessarily to the right before executing the left turn and vice versa; the people driving in the other lane (i.e. the lane that you swerve into briefly) will fully understand that you’re a serious driver and they will make way, which is only right and fair.
When driving in dense fog, feel free to pass whenever you feel like, especially when it’s SO dense, you can’t see fifty feet in front of you. Those headlights coming toward you are merely a mirage, and will disappear as you approach them.
[ul]
[li]Never let anyone merge. It means they have a larger penis than you and lowers your standing in the Driver Hierarchy.[/li][li]Stop signs are just suggestions. Following the car in front of you through a stop sign is fine, as is doing it, then stopping halfway through the intersection and glaring at all the people making “What the fuck?” faces at you.[/li][li]If you happen to be in the wrong lane at a turn, the best solution is to try and cut in front of the turn lane, especially if the turn light is delayed. Remember, you’re so important that the 2 lanes of traffic you’re blocking won’t mind![/li][li]If you’re on a 2 lane, gently curving exit ramp and are in the right lane and need to be in the left lane, the appropriate time to change lanes is about 1 millisecond before the right lane goes off in another direction. By no means try and get in the left lane ahead of time.[/li][li]The above also applies at exits, highway junctions, and so on. Remember, get in the lane you need to be in at the last possible second![/li][li]Yield? What is this “Yield”?[/li][li]Ok, this isn’t about drivers, but it’s a road hazard. Remember, sauntering out into the middle of a seven or eight lane major roadway is a fabulous idea. It’s even better if you happen to be wearing nothing but dark clothes and are bundled up so that the light reflecting off your teeth is the only way you can be seen. Swerving is just how drivers say “Hello!” [/li][li]Those painted stripes in the road are called “lanes.” They’re optional.[/li][/ul]
As much as I like living here, this list reminds me why I’m glad to be leaving.
When your in a two lane exit that that turns to the right, and you are in the far right lane, once you pass thru the stop light, you have the option of any lane. Be sure that you let everyone know this. West bound beltline onto Whitney way is your perfect place to show everyone your superior driving ability.
Actually, the guy I saw doing the one-handed trick was wearing a helmet with his tank top and shorts. The endo guys were a different bunch, but I don’t think they had helmets.
Oh and county, I was wondering when you would pop into a thread of mine and make a mentally deficient comment. My initiation is now complete, thank you.
Those Endo’s are commonly refered to as Stoppies (Endo is an off road term, Stoppy is a street bike term).
What I have always had a hard time with is riding in shorts, a t-shirt, tennis shoes and a helmet, what this says to me is “I want to protect my brain so that I can process all of the pain”.
If you want to off yourself go ahead but you can call me a wimp if you want, I would want the deed done with as little pain as possible.
Personally I will NOT ride without gloves and a (real) helmet, I figure if my head and my hands work at least I will be employable after a crash.
Actually, depending on how many lanes the highway has and how you have your mirrors set up, it’s quite possible to safely change lanes without a shoulder check.
For instance, I have my mirrors aligned so that, if there is only one lane to my left, I can see any car in that lane by looking into my mirrors. The only area missed is the spot directly to my left, so I glance left (checking my rear-view and side mirrors in the same motion) and I’m ready to change lanes.
So that was you last weekend who tried to change into my lane through my car. Nothing like a real good righteous horn blast to make you feel redeemed. It is real funny to watch someone drive in a cowering manner for a while afterwards too.
That’s right; you know which way you’re going and that’s all that matters.
Also:
-It is legal (and completely sensible) to park wherever you like, as long as you turn on your hazard warning lights.
-If you need to weave all over the road while you fumble with the radio, your mobile phone, a sandwich, just go right ahead; other road users will make space for you. It’s also OK to drift across lanes because you’re chatting with your passenger; he’ll be much more impressed by the sincerity you show by making eye contact than he would by any amount of road safety.
-Dangerous situations such as narrow roads, winding lanes and blind corners should be traversed at the very highest speed possible; remember, the shorter the amount of time you’re in these dangerous places, the less likely you are to have an accident.
I almost forgot:
-When driving at night, it is essential to keep your headlights on full beam, also turn on any other lights such as fog lights and spotlights; this will not only help you to see the road ahead, but will also ensure that drivers of oncoming vehicles are able to see you properly.
When you are at the front of the left turn lane, always turn in front of oncoming traffic as soon as the light turns green.
When turning left into traffic from a parking lot, always stop half way across and block traffic in the near lane, while waiting for an opening in the far lane.
Please to slam on brakes whenever you see a cop. Any cop. Even if he’s on the other side of the interstate with a barrier in between. Even if he’s the same cop that has been sitting at that merge point every morning for the past couple of years, not looking for speeders but waiting on that wreck you’re going to cause. Even if we’re all doing the speed limit or less. Slam 'em. Hard.