How to get immediate attention from people

Package Delivery Person

Waiting around all day for a special package? Take a shower. Your doorbell will ring just as you lather up your hair. You could also go into the back yard out of earshot of the door bell. You can also run to the store, but the important part of this method is only to be gone for five minutes.

Waitstaff at a Restaurant

There are two ways to guarantee immediate service at your table. 1. Pack your mouth full of food. 2. Have absolutely everything you could possibly want already.

Police Officer

This is similar to the waitstaff. The less you need one the greater the chances of one being in close proximity. If you really need a police officer, make sure nobody is committing any sort of crime against you. Also, it helps if you are engaging in a behavior that warrants the attention of a law enforcement officer, but it’s even better if it’s a victim-less crime.

Your Boss

Work really, really hard for days and days without a break. Especially work hard if all the other employees are fucking around. Then, take a 30 second break to check on the status of your Amazon order. Zing.

Your SO

Go to a remote section of the house and do something that you prefer to do alone. Obviously downloading porn, masturbating, or taking a shit will work, but, really, any time you want to be alone will guarantee immediate results.

A Car on a Desolate Stretch of Road

Take a piss by the side of the road. Have a need to block the road in order to move something heavy and bulky across the road. Enjoy a quiet moment of solitude in a serene pastoral setting.


Rip a big stinky fart. You could be the last person on earth at the Apocalypse, but confine yourself to a small space and rip a paint peeler, and I promise you someone will appear around the corner and stand right in the middle of the storm.

Another way to get someone to appear out of nowhere is to go on a hike in the most remote corner of the earth with your SO. Find a place where an airplane has to drop you down by parachute. Hike for one week over the most difficult terrain. Then, hike for three days off the trail, and far away from any sites or source of water. All you have to do now is have a desire to be intimate with your SO and a group of hikers will materialize faster than your drunk uncle at an open bar.

Hi Opal!

sorry, couldn’t resist

I’ve had a really, really, bad day, and your OP made me laugh out loud. Especially that last paragraph.

Thanks, I needed that!

How to get the bus to come: have someone light a cigarette.

The OP made me lol as well. Too true.
To get people to visit you, let the house go for a couple of days. They’ll come in droves.

To ensure that you run in to exes, leave the house with your hair undid and no makeup on, in your fat clothes, unshowered.

When I used to babysit as a teen, I used to go to the bathroom when I wanted to go home - the parents would inevitably come home then.

I’ve also noticed that when we’re driving home late at night, you can count on the one other car on the road to reach the four-way stop at exactly the same time as you.

At the risk of giving away my age, I used to refer to the cigarette as a ‘magical stick of food-summoning’, in that when waiting for one’s order in a restaurant, the act of lighting a cigarette inevitably caused one’s waiter to appear with one’s food.

This was tested on numerous occasions, with amazing results. “Bet you I can make our food arrive…” Of course, since you can’t smoke in public anymore, this trick no longer works.

Now I wonder if a cellphone might serve a similar purpose.

Wondering why a family member hasn’t called in a while? Take a nap.

The last three Saturdays that my husband has had a chance to take a nap, my MIL has called five minutes after he got to sleep. Usually with a family crisis. She has amazing timing.

My phone tends to ring at work every time I put a handful of M&M’s in my mouth. I’m actually pretty good at talking with food in my mouth, but I can’t do it if the food is crunchy.

If I’m having trouble at Best Buy trying to find something (cheap) I go look at the expensive stuff and someone shows up right away. I’m sure it’s always a let down when they think they’re about to sell a laptop and I ask them where the USB cables are.

At Home Depot, where it’s almost impossible to get help, I’ve found that people tend to come out of the woodwork if you climb the rolling stairs that they use to get things off the high shelves.

This reminds me of a joke, which I will now butcher.
A bunch of people are talking about what they would want if they were stranded on a deserted island. One person responded “If I’m ever stranded on a desert island all I want is a bottle of vermouth, a bottle of gin, an olive, a martini glass, ice and a cocktail shaker. I bet that within a minute of me trying to make my first one, someone will tap me on the shoulder and say: that’s not the way you make a martini.”

I found a cure for insomnia. Just have a baby and all of the sudden you’re exhausted all the time! Then in the middle of the night you can cry quietly to yourself because your baby is happy to sleep until you lie down, at which point their stomach automatically empties and their diaper automatically fills like you flipped a switch or something.

Oh, shit, that is quite possibly the TRUEST thing I’ve read in years. So funny and yet so sad :slight_smile:


I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. I hope that you have help, or get help with it, and that it passes quickly. Not being able to sleep truly sucks.

Cry, preferably either at work or in the middle of a busy public place, and desperately NOT want to be seen.

Our trick is for my husband to use the restroom. It’s pretty much guaranteed that as soon as the door closes behind him, our food will appear.

I loathe the times I tried that.

Around our office the joke is that if you want to summon Mary the cleaning lady, put an empty cardboard box on the floor. She’ll show up within moments (and read you the riot act, too). It’s like her Bat Signal.

Out enjoying the wilds on a summer day at a secluded lake, haven’t seen another person for hours?

Feel like company?

Strip down and go skinny dipping. Trust me, there will be boats! Suddenly fishermen, canoers, sailors, windsurfers, will materialize from thin air!

This is also how you get the 20-minutes-tardy first act of a concert to start as we demonstrated the other night.

Just like how you religiously drive like ‘an old lady’ then that once in a decade moment ‘you let your emotions get better of you’ and do the deed: an unthinkable mini road rage…

Need a priest, a holy man, or perhaps even the local neighorhood gossip?

Step One. Make sure the doorbell is broken.

Step Two. Leave the side fence gate unlocked.

Step Three. Aquire a goat.

Step Four. Do something kinky in the backyard with said goat.

PS. I got this advice from a fellow doper but I am sworn to secrecy as to who it was.