I’m sure this has been noticed and discussed before, but I find it interesting and wondered how wide spread it is.
I’ve noticed that a girl who has a boyfriend will generally use the phrase “my boyfriend” within the first 5 minutes of the first conversation a man has with her. I’ve dubbed this the “Five Minute Rule.” Clearly, it’s an excellent practice, expedites things all around. The girl makes it clear upfront that she has a partner, so us guys know not to waste too much time on her (“acquaintance” or “amiable coworker” status takes very little interaction and possibly never requires an engaging conversation at all.) She avoids unwanted advances, he avoids investing time in something that has no possibility of reward, and possibly both parties avoid awkwardness that would be uncomfortable if they have to interact periodically (workplace, etc.) I consider breaking the “Five Minute Rule” something akin to having a 20 minute conversation about Birkenstock sandals with the store clerk only to find out they don’t sell sandals. Why are we wasting our time then? Of course it could occasionally really be a great discussion, and the discussion might be its own reward, but that’s not likely to be true about a discussion started with someone you don’t know very well.
Is this something girls consciously try to do because of the positive results to both parties of such a casual mention?
His existence is directly applicable to the topic at hand.
Someone asks me out.
This is because I have met people that are interested in conversation for conversations sake, and not just interested in sex, which the imaginary men in your OP appear to be soley interested in when they talk to women.
Before, if I thought it was obvious the guy was trying to hit on me, I would pull out the “my boyfriend” phrase and slip it into conversation early. These days, I’m married and wear an engagement and wedding ring, so it’s not common that I’m hit on and I usually let the ring be its own cue if I am approached; I mention “my husband” if the guy is acting dense.
If it was just looking like friendly conversation, I wouldn’t bring it up unless it came up. I’ve always had a good number of male friends, having been fairly tomboyish growing up, and still keep in contact with some from college even. I don’t assume that every guy who’s talking to me wants to date me.
Don’t take it that way. It’s not that I’m claiming we men are only interested in sex when we strike up a conversation with a woman, but suppose that we might be interested in finding out if a “romantic” relationship is on the horizon, or even just a date to have some fun. I’m sure you well know, even if you’re not having sex yet it’s totally different spending time with a person in the “date” context than in the “couple friends hanging out” context. Sex is not the only thing that defines the difference between dating and being “just friends.” Frankly, there are plenty of people in the world, and plenty of things to do in the world, and we may already have plenty of female “friends.”
A conversation with a female college student after an interesting lecture might be undertaken just for the sake of stimulating conversation, or shooting the bull with a girl while your both standing around outside on a cigarette break might pleasantly pass the time. But if undertaken for those reasons alone, those sorts of conversations are of a far different nature than a conversation that a man thinks might lead up to a date.
I’m not suggesting that every man that talks to you just wants to get in your pants, or even wants to date you in the first place, but slipping the “my boyfriend” phrase in early lets a man label you for the sake of clarity, so he knows not to take the conversation down that road. If you wait until he actually asks you out to tell him you have a boyfriend, that’s just embarassing him. To me, slipping that information in early seems polite, avoids potential embarassment, and is subtle enough that both parties can sort of pretend the signal was just another part of the conversation, but knowing the message has been sent.
If I can subtly bring my boyfriend into the conversation, I will generally do so if I think there’s even a chance that the guy is interested in me. Avoids awkwardness all around. Of course, this only works when I actually have a boyfriend, so this method isn’t always employed.
How about we require all women to have their relationship status written in large letters on their chest. It’ll save you from even having to start a conversation!
Is there a converse where someone without a SO will mention it within 5 min?
FTR, I’m a guy and think the rule as described makes sense - for both men and women to do. OK, most of the time its overkill, but with almost no effort you head off the occasional embarasment; why not?
I take a lot longer to mention my boyfriend. It upsets my husband.:smack:
When I was single and in love with someone else, I would mention my boyfriend fairly quickly – especially if I the new man was totally uninteresting to me.
If I were just steadily dating, but not really serious, I would be more likely to keep it quiet for a while.
Now that I am married, if I think a man may be interested or flirting, I mention my husband quickly.
I save my flirting for men who are nearing eighty. They like it and I keep in practice.
I don’t really appreciate the tone of your post, alice_in_wonderland. I too have noticed this “rule” and I have found it helpful in past encounters in categorizing the interaction. It’s not just about sex. This is obvious in the OP.
In another thread, Dragon Ash said something I found useful to consider. He said “Girls worth talking to understand that you can find them attractive and still have more than ‘I want to jump your bones’ on the brain.” A lot of guys, myself included, when we aren’t dating anyone, we want to be. We think about it when we meet people. This doesn’t mean that we’re slavering barbarians who never think about anything but the sexual angle when we meet a woman. Give us some credit.
Ehh, I took too long to write this and of course RexDart has put it better. It’s about labels. And this sentence stands reiteration: “slipping that information in early seems polite, avoids potential embarassment, and is subtle enough that both parties can sort of pretend the signal was just another part of the conversation, but knowing the message has been sent.”
So here’s a pretty decent-sized post with virtually no original thought at all. Sweet.
Well, I like to get laid. When I ask a girl out for a date, it’s usually some where in the equation. Maybe not first thing, but it’s there somewhere. If I meet 2 women, one of them makes me horny & the other one doesn’t, all other things being equal, guess which one I’m more likely to date? And beleive it or not, a lot of women like to get laid too. Don’t try to make me feel shallow or guilty or ashamed for it either.
If a woman’s not available for dating or (cover the children’s ears!) sex, I like getting that information in a timely fashion. I think it’s polite.
How about if I’m talking to a cute girl and it takes her 15 or 20 minutes to mention her boyfriend? Should I interpret this as “I’m getting tired of him, but not tired enough to want to go out with you?”
For some reason, seeing these posts back to back just absolutely cracked me up.
Huh. I might just have some weird aura, but I never get this. In fact, it took one of my best friends 8 months to mention that she had a boyfriend, and that was by showing me her new engagement ring, so…
I would just like to say that I have actually done this. I have a shirt with a velcro strip on the chest and letters you stick on, and occasionally I will put “SINGLE” on there. I figure, what the hell, that’s the first place they’re looking anyways, might as well let them know.
Of course, that shirt is also useful for many other phrases I want shirts to say. “They’re real.” “What color are my eyes” “I’m up there.”, etc. I love my big boobs.
I have a shirt with a velcro strip on the chest and letters you stick on, and occasionally I will put “SINGLE” on there. I figure, what the hell, that’s the first place they’re looking anyways, might as well let them know.