Yep, acccording to this thread.
Boyfriend does not equal Husband. So it’s OK to persue other peoples SO!!
This is great! My dating pool just increased ten-fold.
And never mind about the people out there who don’t believe in marriage because THEY are incapable of having a serious realationship anyway.
:rolleyes: times infinity.
Don’t be ridiculous. Anybody is fair game without a wedding ring on their finger, and sometimes even then. You have no obligation to someone else’s SO if they’re not your friend. Your obligation is to yourself, and to your potential partner.
Face it, boyfriends are disposable. That’s why they’re not husbands.
Wow dude, you’re taking this way too seriously. Dating =/= perpetual commitment. IMO, there’s three distinct levels of companionship.
Dating: This is the expiremental stage. Unless otherwise stated, you’re not stuck with this individual for the rest of your life. I’ve found that far too many people, especially young ones take this way too seriously.
Enaged: You’ve made a promise to stay monogamous. This is real close to being married, but minds can change.
Married: You are monogamous (well, ideally) and you’re no longer available.
Anyways, getting back to what you said which applies only to the “dating” arena, I don’t tink you can “steal” anyone who’s not committed. Even so, it’d be the will of the one you’re “stealing” and thus I fail to see the harm in doing such.
I don’t think anyone was advocating trying to “win over” anyone who’s currently in a relationship, but there’s no harm in asking someone out.
tink = think
If you know a girl’s got a boyfriend, and you hit on her anyway, it’s pretty much a declaration that you have no respect for the boyfriend. Maybe that’s not a problem–some guy you don’t know is just some guy–but the closer to home it hits, the more of an asshole you are.
On the other hand, the burden of not going out with anyone else if you’ve made a monogamous commitment falls on you, not your suitors.
I believe it’s very rude to ask out a woman in the presence of her boyfriend. It’s disrespectful to both. And of course it’s wrong to continually ask a woman out after she’s told you she’s not interested (for any reason, not just because she has a boyfriend).
But other than that, I see nothing wrong with asking out someone you know to be dating, unless you have some kind of relationship with the boyfriend where that would be a violation of trust. I agree with the majority so far, the OPs complaining about something that’s not a problem.
We’re not talking about “Dating” here. We’re talking about Girlfriend/Boyfriend there’s a difference.
I just think it’s scumy if not pathetic that people will hang around someone hoping and waiting for them to dump there SO. It would all but too easy to plant that seed of doubt in his or her mind about there current realationship.
Hey, now, I did not say that it was okay to keep hitting on her and I especially did not say that it was okay to hit on her in front of her boyfriend!
It’s one thing to actively pursue her, it’s another to remain being friends with her and hope that one day she might consider you more than a friend.
I respect relationships and when I was in a relationship, I had a lot of guy friends who openly expressed their admiration for me. As long as they didn’t say anything sexual, then I was perfectly find being friends.
No, no difference. If you’re only boyfriend and girlfriend, you’re only dating.
Well of course it’s pathetic to wait around. If you want someone and they have a SO, you should try to seduce them.
If it’s all that easy, the realtionship is shit and you’re not ruining anything. Anybody who can’t handle commitment if temptation is dangled in front of them… well… then they’re not really commited, are they?
If they are only hanging around in the hopes that they will dump their SO, then that’s one thing. If they want to be friends and leave the possibility for more and are willing to respect another’s limits, that’s something else.
And no, it’s not easy to plant seeds of doubt. I’ve been in many relationships and I’ve never had this problem.
I agree with you. There are different levels of boyfriend/girlfriend. It is not true at all that there is just “married” and “not married”. Some boyfriends and girlfriends go out for years and are quite serious but may not be ready for marriage for whatever reason. If it is a monogamous relationship, then that should be respected until it dissolves internally.
I think that an outsider hitting on the girlfriend while she is with someone is disrespectful to the girlfriend (expecting her to change her mind on a whim) and obviously to the boyfriend. It probably won’t work either, leaving the outsider looking like an ass.
Why should people other than those in the relationship, and their friends, respect them such that they won’t flirt with/hit on 'em? Of course hitting on someone’s partner right in front of them is obnoxious and gauche, but… There’s nothing wrong or immoral with expressing desire, politely and respectfully.
As I mentioned in that thread, my wife was someone else’s girlfriend when we met. That was ten years ago, so obviously I wasn’t interested in her on a whim, and just to be a jerk to her boyfriend (who I had met only one time). I used no trickery or anything. Had her boyfriend been right for her, she would still be with him. She chose me, and now she is stuck with me.
As I also mentioned in that thread, if the boyfriend is a friend of yours, then the girl is off limits. Period.
SHAKES, do you mind if I ask your general age group? I sort of think that makes a difference in one’s views on the topic. When I was younger, I thought my relationship with whatever girl I was with at the time was the most important thing in the world. Now, I’m only 28 years old, but damn if I can remember the last names of some of those girls now. And believe me, there weren’t all that many of them!
I agree that it’s pathetic to do that. You should make your intentions clear, and if they show no interest, lay off until you feel the situation has changed.
No, it’s not easy at all. Most mature people know the value of a good relationship, and know that there will be people who try to interfere with that for selfish reasons - and that’s not just limited to potential suitors, I’ve known both men and women to sabotage someones relationship for other reasons than to make them available to date. Usually, it’s pretty obvious when someone is doing this. Often it backfires even when the accusations are true.
It often FEELS like someone is maliciously sabotaging your relationship when the person you are dating starts to take interest in someone else. And it’s a natural part of the courtship process to help the person feel less guilty about the inevitable hurt feelings they are causing by leaving who they were with before. Mature people understand this, if my girlfriend tells some guy she’s interested in what she doesn’t like about me, and this person encourages her to explore those feelings, he’s doing what I would do if the roles were reverse. And if this leads to her ending up with someone else, that’s not their fault. It’s the results of a pre-existing fault in the relationship, it was never meant to be permanent.
But when I saw you use the term ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ I immediately knew we were NOT dealing with a mature person here. Let me guess, SHAKES is a teenager, right? Or at least 20s with a low emotional maturity level. It’s hard enough dealing with broken relationships when you have years of experience in the dating arena and the ability to distance yourself from your emotions and approach life practically. Teenagers are insane. In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t get a girlfriend until I was in my early 20s. I thought I was miserably lonely at the time, but I know now if I had romantic relationships in my teen years I would have been terrible at them, and the breakups would have hurt my stunted self-esteem far worse than my being a virgin until I was 22.
By the way Zero, welcome to the Dope! I hope you like it here, and I’d seriously advise you to consider subscribing. The search function alone is worth the price.
I’m constantly amazed at the number of people who assume that because there’s no ring on your finger you haven’t made a commitment. I made my commitment years before that ring went on my hand, and if you had so much as intimated to me that Dr.J was disposable during those years, I would have kicked your ass into the middle of the next century. Actually, I would have kicked your ass in the years leading up to that point, too, but only into the next decade.
The problem is that our society doesn’t have codified levels of emotional commitment, just social/legal commitment. Having a “boyfriend” could mean that you’ve gone out with someone a few times and aren’t currently seeing anyone else, or it could mean that you’re just before getting engaged. The term doesn’t tell you anything about how serious the relationship is. Two months after we started dating, he was my boyfriend, the guy I was dating and seeing where things would go. A year and a half before we got married, he was my boyfriend, the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with. To have someone say that he was “just a boyfriend” and I was thus fair game would have been deeply disrespectful not only to him, but to my decision to be with him, and by extension it would have been disrespectful to me. It would have earned that someone a heartfelt invitation to go fuck themselves with a rusty pair of hedge clippers.
I’m 34. What’s piss’n me off is how people seem to think that if you haven’t married or don’t intend to be married with your SO. Then somehow your realationship is inferior to those who are. Which is bull-shit. Personally I don’t believe in marriage but I’d like to think I’m capable of having a serious realationshp.
I’d like to pose this question to my fellow Dopers:
So if I have sex with a woman who I know has a boyfriend; I’ve done nothing wrong? (Provided I didn’t know the guy?)
Good thing I’m just electrons on your screen! 
Of course there are exceptions to any rule, but in general unless people are actually commited, it doesn’t matter. And actual commitment, I’m sure you’d agree, exists independantly of any labels you might place upon the relationship.
So, in most cases, boyfriends and girlfriends are just boyfriends and girlfriends.
Not inferior… just perhaps not commited. Not all people believe in marriage, and that’s cool. But marriage is a seal upon the reality, and if the reality isn’t there, it’s just not.
~evil grins~ did she enjoy it?
(No, you did nothing wrong.)
There’s no way I’m reading that entire article. Regardless, I’m going to assume it’s somehow contrary to my point, which was merely an opinion I hold.
I didn’t say the “majority” or even “most”, I simply said “far too many.” Even assuming that only represents 5% (a figure I just pulled out of my ass), that’s still “far too many” in my book. I’ve been around more than enough people to know that what I’m talking about is, at the least, relevant where I live.