So, guys, I put this up for some opinions (but they don’t need to be humble:) ). When, if ever, is it appropriate to nudge into a relationship in hopes of starting one with one of the parties?
I’ve already had it happen to me once, and I kinda figure it to be my fault, but other times I wonder…what’s the consensus?
Its never right to break up someone else’s releationship for one’s own personal gain. Think of what you went through, and what you felt, when it happened.
I feel for ya though.
I’ve found that it’s never a good idea. Someone who you can “steal” away from another can just as easily be stolen away from you.
I agree there, but take for example a bad husband or boyfriend…what then?
I am of the opinion that she wouldn’t leave if there wasn’t a reason…my ex had hers, and though they seemed workable to me they apparently were not worth the effort to her, you see?
hmmm tho
How about “not unless said bf or gf is abusing the person” or something similar? Otherwise you’re just being an asshole.
If the person you like is dating a cad, then the person won’t be interested in you…unless you are a cad.
All in all it’s more trouble than it’s worth.
That;s what I mean, what sort of infractions? Abuse? Verbal or physical (both, obviously). What about lying? Cheating? Taking the other for granted?
Just tossing some stuff out…
My rule of thumb is that if the bf makes her spend considerably more time crying than smiling, it’s a good time to consider it. Once the cutting starts, it’s time to break 'em up, whether for personal gain or not. 
Man, do I totally disagree. I’ve never gone after a woman knowing in advance she had a BF. In that case, they are unavailable, and that’s that. If, however, after we’ve gotten somewhere, I discovered she had a BF, I haven’t backed away. My attitude is simple - Nobody owns anybody. If she didn’t want out of the relationship, and doesn’t want to be with me, she wouldn’t be with me.
Sua
But couldn’t you say that anyway, even if you knew she had one?
Nope. Never. Not even if they’re in an abusive relationship.
Face it: someone who is being abused has some serious problems going on. If you “rescue” that person before he or she has the strength to rescue themselves, you’re probably going to get a terribly needy, passive-agressive person who will ditch you for the first new (or maybe the old) abuser they can find.
Poaching is never legal. Period.
True, but I think you should make the assumption that she has already made her choice if she is in a relationship.
If you learn she has a BF after the kissin and the huggin and the lovin has started, I think it’s a different case.
Sua
Consider, however, that perhaps her choice would be that you are the more appropriate companion. Isn’t that a possibility?
Ah, but of course. Which is why it could be argued that “stealing” her (gotta love objectification) could be argued to be a logical step. OTOH, nobody ever accused anything about love to be based in logic…
“steal” was in quotes for a reason, hahaha. Just in a current situation that lends itself to this and its tearing me up…
I’ve been on both sides of this situation, and was unhappy in both. I was shattered when my girlfriend left me for a friend of mine. And on another occasion, I took up with another friend’s girlfriend. I was with this second girl for a long time, and harbored guilt over it all throughout the relationship. Never again for the latter, which is in my hands, and hopefully not for the former, which often is not.
Never. If for no other reason then you’d always fear someone trying to steal him or her from you. If you date a cheater don’t be suprised when they end up cheating on you
Marc
Try separating two things before you proceed.
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Your concern for her well-being. It’s admirable for you to want this person to be happy and free of any hindrance to that end. If you truly believe that this relationship is causing actual pain or damage to any parties involved and you have a close relationship with one or more of the involved parties, you would be justified in taking some action. However, I can’t see your imagining that one of the involved parties would be happier with you as sufficient justification. Why? Because you don’t know. If you did know, it wouldn’t be worth pursuing.
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Your appreciation of this person. Any attempt to make decisions for this person (“She’d be happier without that guy so I’ll end their relationship”) is not action taken out of a sense of appreciation. Rather, that is an action taken in a quest for dominance. Sure, that’s not what you’re really after, but that’s all you’re ever going to get if you start down that path. Make sure that you are able to fully appreciate this person as an individual no matter what the current relationship status might be.
Now, understand that a person unable to be alone is a person untrustworthy. I believe that those who shift from one safe haven of romance to another, leaving behind a blackened field of betrayal will never be able to fully commit to themselves or others and are destined for eternal loneliness in the company of a thousand acquaintances. Does this describe the type of person you would like to date? If not, try to avoid putting someone you might care about into such a position.
Do you consider yourself a trustworthy person? Would I see you as such if you were contemplating the destruction of my romantic life? How would you know the level of effort I had put forth in said romance? How would you know the sacrifices I might have made? How would you know the sacrifices and efforts of this person for whom you think you care? How would you know that you are man enough to negate all of that?
I hear that coming through loud and clear.
What bothers me is that, were she to leave of her own volition THEN come to me later, say, it wouldn’t seem improper at all. Cut the BS out? Or is that actually impossible?
I’m starting to get a HUGE guilt complex now…and nothing has even happened yet.
It made me sick when my now-ex left me for another, but they are together and married for two years now, and I no longer harbor ill-will to either of them. After all, it seems she was right to leave.
I wonder, is this something only time can tell? Has anyone ever been in a situation that turned out WELL from something like this?
I think you should stop feeling guilty. There are better things you could be doing with your emotional energy.
Weeeeeeell, let’s see.
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She leaves this guy of her own volition because she’s tired of him and the romance has died of natural causes. Later, you woo her. I see no problems.
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She leaves this guy of her own volition because she has compared him to you, found him lacking, and decides she can do better. Later you woo her. I see no problems.
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She leaves this guy of her own volition because she has compared him to you, finds you amusing and decides you will serve her emotional needs better. Later, she woos you. Run away. Run far away.
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She leaves this guy, seemingly of her own volition, because you have made such an effort to posture and demonstrate your superiority over her current mate and she has come to believe in the possibilities. Immediately, the two of you become involved. Bad news. This will likely come to a bitter end.
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She leaves this guy because she’s been kidnapped by aliens. Not so good for you, but makes for an interesting story.