During a bout of insomnia last night I was reading an old SD thread. The gist of it was: guy and waitress flirt with each other, guy asks waitress for her phone number, waitress says she has a boyfriend, guy and waitress flirt some more, guy persists, waitress gives him a number, turns out to be fake.
I noticed that most women believed that the line “I have a boyfriend” meant “I’m not interested”, while a few men in the thread thought it meant “try harder”. A quick poll of two women (behold my rigorous scientific methods!) indicated that they were uncomfortable telling a man they weren’t interested because they didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so they used the boyfriend excuse even when they were single. I’m female and have only ever used it to mean “I’m not interested.” My natural manner is one that guys tend to find flirty - lots of smiling, chatting and laughing - so it’s entirely possible that some people thought they were getting mixed signals when I was just being friendly.
To women: if you have used the boyfriend excuse, was it a kind way of letting him down or was it part of your flirting ritual?
To men: if you ask a woman out and she says that she has a boyfriend but is still friendly, do you take it as a sign to back off or do you see it as the woman playing games?
Also as a question to both genders, if the guy responds to the boyfriend excuse with “that’s no problem, he doesn’t need to know” - is it creepy or is it a lighthearted joke?
Yes, I use it as a substitute for “Not interested. Get to steppin’!” But often it doesn’t work, because the guy will come back, “What’s your boyfriend got to do with us?” Basically saying I should either dump my imaginary guy or cheat on him.
Yeah, if I mention I have a boyfriend or a husband, it’s a clear “I’m not interested” signal - or at least it’s meant to be. (If I AM interested, I’ll say, “You should know I have a husband, but we have an open marriage, so don’t let that stop you! ;)” - but that’s sort of a different issue.)
Depends on the delivery and how much I’m vibing with the person. Done wrong, or by someone I’m actively turned off by, it’s creepy. If it’s said in earnest by someone I might be attracted to, it’s just disappointing, because I wouldn’t get involved with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries or my boyfriend’s boundaries. Done honestly as a joke, or jokingly hopeful, I just smile and say, “But I’d know.”
“I have a boyfriend” indicates to me that she’s not available. If she continues to be friendly/flirty after that, I’ll return it, but fully expecting to go our separate ways after whatever the event is. If I see her again several weeks later I might ask how’s the boyfriend. If she says he’s history I’ll try for her number again after another evening of flirting. If she’s still with him, I’ll let it go until she let’s me know she’s available, if ever.
Because saying “I’m not interested” seems to mean “convince me,” whereas “I have a boyfriend/husband” seems to mean “someone might come beat you up if you bug me more.” Please note that “I have a girlfriend/wife” doesn’t work at all.
I’m a man. Call me crazy but I really do prefer honesty. If a girl tells me she has a boyfriend, yes I get it and will leave her alone, but if I found out she was really single and lying because she just doesn’t have the heart to tell me she’s not interested, I’d be kind of annoyed at that. (no, I wouldn’t still persist, I would just think she was a spineless liar)
I tend to take “IHAB” a little too personally. Depending on how it’s said, it can be a simple statement of fact, a blowoff, or a subtle assessment of your man-appeal.
When I say it, I mean “I’m not interested.” Usually it’s true, but I’ve said it when it’s not because I’m trying to make the rejection as painless as possible. Doesn’t always work, though.
I’m also one of those bubbly, friendly, smiling women who seems to unintentionally broadcast “hit on me!” at top volume. Especially in bars. Before I got engaged and got a genuine ring, sometimes I’d wear something on my ring finger when I went out and wasn’t in the mood because experimentation taught me that “boyfriend” didn’t always work, but “husband” usually did. (Without the ring, I’ve gotten “Where’s your ring?”).
Persistant creeps me out. I’m not playing hard to get.
For me personally, “I have a boyfriend” means I have a boyfriend. I’ve never used it when I didn’t, because I’m pretty much a straight-up “thanks but no” sort of girl. So in a couple of instances, it did mean “I’d be interested if I were single, but I’m not. Sorry.”
But whether it’s used as a blow-off line OR an actual reason, “I have a boyfriend” has only ever meant “Not gonna happen”. Anyone who interpreted it as “try harder” isn’t someone I’d be interested in anyway, since they clearly don’t have much regard for my boundaries, or apparently, the concept of fidelity.
As a male I always read it as: I’m not interested.
The reasons behind the non-interest could be many, from truly having a boyfriend, to just not finding me attractive. It doesn’t matter, it just means “no” as far as I’m concerned.
I am also a very flirty person. So much so that I tend to be oblivious to actual flirting from other men/women most of the time. On the occasion that the other party makes it obvious that they are flirting (asking for my phone number, etc) I tend to use the line “oh, that’s so sweet, but my husband doesn’t really let me date.” I say it in such a way that they tend to get the point that I am not interested but still flattered. I’ve not had a guy (or girl) try harder after that line.
I’ve never actually used the “I have a boyfriend” line, I always found it to be well…kinda lame. Because, yeh – most guys would take it as “try harder.” When I was still single, I would simply say “thanks, but no thanks.” I am pretty straightforward, and if pushed would say “I am not interested.” I don’t like getting mixed signals, so I don’t like giving them, either.
“I have a boyfriend” means “I’m not interested.” But I’ve never said it when I don’t have a boyfriend.
Just because I’m smiling at you, laughing at your jokes, and generally being nice to you does not mean I’m flirting. A lot of guys don’t realize that. Unless you’ve done something to really annoy me, I’m going to smile, laugh and be courteous whether you’re a 7-year-old kid, a 65-year-old grandma, or a 25-year-old hottie.
My SO is the very friendly/flirty type and one of the reasons I pursued her was because I thought she was interested in me when she wasn’t particularly at the time.
I think the problem is that the concept of flirting for the sake of flirting is rather foreign to most men and the assumption is “she wouldn’t be flirting with me she didn’t want something out of it”. So being firmly told “I have a boyfriend” most men will pick up and move on. But subtly mentioning your boyfriend while flirting or having a conversation even, will most likely be ignored.
I’ve got a crush on a woman who works at my friend’s salon. We’ve known each other for years. I’ve asked her out a couple of times and she always seems to have a boyfriend. In this case, though, it’s true. She goes through a new guy about every ten months or so. Maybe someday I’ll catch her between boyfriends. I’m hoping I can last at least a year!
IHAB (or now, “I’m married”) means I’m not interested. I have stretched a truth a little (see here) but only because I was desperate. Usually, if I feel I’m being macked on, I’ll soften the blow by mentioning my husband in conversation before the “let’s go out sometime” bomb gets dropped and I have to shoot him down. I’m nice like that.
Persistence is creepy. If a guy assumes I’m not moral enough to be faithful to my guy right off the bat, I’m really put off.
Exactly. So in my case, “I have a boyfriend” means “I have a girlfriend, but I’m not going to tell you that because that will only increase your interest and possibly prompt you to inquire about threesomes, thus exponentially increasing the time I have to spend to get it across to you that I’m not available at all.”
I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, I’m not a fan of using IHAB (or IHAH) at all, even if I DO have one, because:
(a) I always figure the guy will think I’m lying about that just to get rid of him
(b) It always seems like kind of a wussy way out (I’m sure I’m just a weirdo on this, but to me it always makes it seem like you’re implying that your choices are controlled by someone else , like you’re saying “I would, but can’t” as opposed to “I don’t want to” . . . does that make sense?), and
(c) although I understand DianaG’s point about using IHAB to mean that you *would * be interested if you were single, I’ve rarely been in that situation. Usually I’m just not interested, period, and my relationship status has nothing to do with it. (And on the couple of occasions when I was in that situation, I hooked up with the guy and ditched the boyfriend. Hey, I’m not claiming it was the right thing to do, or even a good thing to do, but I was in college, and what better time to get all of that out of one’s system?)
And therein lies the answer. I think you’ve just convinced me.
In light of this, I can totally see why guys keep pressing after the IHAB… they’re foolishly optimistic, thinking you’re telling the truth about the boyfriend but you are interested, so all they have to do is convince you that they’re better than the boyfriend so you’ll ditch him. As long as you don’t say you’re not interested, they’re going to think you are and that any other reason you give is just an obstacle to be overcome.
I get it now. I think from now on I’ll find it easier to say “Thanks but no thanks” and save everybody time.