“I have a boyfriend” can mean entirely different, practically opposite things, depending on the girl’s facial expression, body language and inflection.
“I have a boyfriend.” Half-smile, flat, matter-of-fact tone. Translation: You’re sweet, but I have a boyfriend. Stop trying.
“I have a boyfriend.” Smile, little or no eye contact, slight rising inflection on the word have. Translation: I have a boyfriend, but you’re cute and he’s on his way out anyway. Push a little harder and you can have my number.
Well, I’m honored to have provided some kind of useful wisdom around here for once! But I don’t think there’s ever a silver bullet for Mr. Persistence. Surely you know guys who won’t accept anything other than the Someone Else Excuse (whether you’re fending off their advances, or trying to break off a relationship), because their mommies did such a marvelous job of convincing them that they were Orgasms Incarnate that they can’t possibly believe you’re not interested!
I do, however, think it’s ultimately best to just be honest. It may not work, but overall, it’s a good policy, because you don’t have any lies to try to remember later, when you run into Mr. Persistence in the tampon aisle at Target.
May I come live in your perfect world where this actually works?
I used it once and only once when I was being ardently pursued by someone I was not at all interested in. All my refusals made no impression on him and I couldn’t leave, as I was at work at the time. “I have a boyfriend” didn’t work, either, though, as his response was the classic “he doesn’t have to know about us.” I was finally freed by his remembering that he had somewhere else to go, but he still wrote down his phone number for me, even though I had clearly indicated that I didn’t want it.
Yeah, but when that happens, I stop worrying about hurting his feelings and just tell him “Dude, I didn’t find you attractive to begin with, and you’re getting less attractive by the second, so go away now.”
I’ll never understand why I would be expected to care whether some asshole thinks I’m a bitch.
In that case, if possible, I don’t even reply, I just turn and walk away, if I can. Politeness is no longer required at that point. Funny, though, how a woman a man saw fit to ardently pursue one moment becomes an ugly bitch by virtue of her rejecting him. (And yes, this exact reversal has happened to me more than once.)
Yet more proof that I will never understand romantic or hopefully-romantic interpersonal interactions. If a woman tells me “I’m not interested”, I presume that means she’s not interested, and stop pursuing her (but might keep an eye out for a change in her interest in me). If she says “I have a boyfriend”, then I presume that means that she has a boyfriend, and stop pursuing her (but keep an eye out for a change in her relationship status). If she says “I have a girlfriend”, then I give up completely, since (me not being female) she’s absolutely not going to be interested in me, even if her current relationship ends. And none of these would have any impact on being friendly with her, which I quite recognize can occur in the absense of romance.
Really, what’s the point in code-words and convoluted signals? If many women start using “I have a boyfriend” to mean “I’m not interested (but might potentially be)”, then men are going to start interpreting it to mean that, possibly with emphasis on the parenthetical “might”. This ends up not being a win for anyone.
Many men can take a hint. A huge number of them cannot and have to be told in no uncertain terms to leave you alone.
My girlfriend in a case in point. She’s really sweet and doesn’t want to be mean to anyone so she has trouble being direct. When they don’t give up she is baffled that they “didn’t take the hint.” It makes me nuts. She had to threaten one guy with legal action to make him go away. She had written to him that she “loved haj and wasn’t interested in meeting with him.” He wrote back that she should go ahead and marry me if she must but to play with him on the side first.
“I have a boyfriend” should be followed but “and I’m not interested.”
People in relationships should just have to wear special bracelets. That way we don’t even have to bother talking to you. Would save a lot of time for everyone.
I have been hit on wearing a big honking engagement ring. Is there seriously anyone who does not know what a diamond ring on the third finger of the left hand means? With some dudes a neon sign wouldn’t help.
And it’s never the guys I would have once dated, either. All the nice, normal, smart guys seem to do a ring check. It’s the creepy guys with a deseperate air, just a little too old for the current crowd and a little too drunk for the current hour.
I find that when I manage to strike up a conversation with a woman she will or will not eventually drop the fact that she has a boyfriend into the conversation at some point in time. I find it to be a helpful indicator. I don’t force the issue. After all, maybe she does have a boyfriend and will conveniently forget to mention it.
This can occasionally backfire because you can end up in friend status indefinately.
Well, there is “I have a boyfriend” there is “I currently have a boyfriend” and there is “my boyfriend is standing over there - see, that big guy who looks like he is about to come over and beat the shit out of you.”
And I’ve been hit on wearing a wedding ring. And once a guy asked me out and I responded with “I’m engaged” and he said “well, is it serious?” Some guys are clueless.
There are guys who seem to be OK with “I’m the personal property of someone else” who understand that as rejection and move on, but believe any woman not attached is up for grabs and the only reason you wouldn’t date them (or apparently any guy) is because you already had someone.
I’ve told this story here before, but I was once walking along with some friends of mine when we ran into a friend of his. My friends were newly married and he introduced his friend to his wife. Whereby his friend looked me up and down and said to John “well, is she taken?” Thankfully, I was, because don’t know what the response would have been if John would have indicated my availabilty. Would I have been clubbed over the head and dragged off by my hair?
If a woman tells me IHAB in response to my request for a date, I take it to mean she’s not interested, and end the discussion amicably.
Some men interpret any refusal as a challenge. And a much smaller number of women seem to be of the same mind. Problems arise when both parties aren’t operating under the same assumptions.
Back in college, I once struck up a conversation with a lovely, bookish girl who worked in the convenience store next to the gym. We talked for at least half an hour, about all manner of things. As I was leaving, I said, “Well, nice to meet you. Maybe we could have lunch sometime?”. She paused and replied, straight-faced and with eye contact, “I have a boyfriend”. I smiled nervously and mumbled, “Oh,… Uh, sorry”. She replied, “Don’t be sorry – I almost asked you”, a wonderfully thoughtful way of sparing my ego.
I have female friends. But when I’m in a college bar where the band playing makes it difficult to carry on a conversation, I have no interest in being “friendly” with anyone other than the friends I came with.
As soon as I hear “IHABF” I back off. or used to; I am married now and don’t pursue such things.
But back in my single days… If I heard that response, It was “Ok… fine… nice talking to you… blah blah blah…”
I was never into being the next “boyfirend” of a person who was looking for a better one
My euphemism for the fake female friendliness projected at bars, restaurants and the like by the distaff staff is “commercial affection.” It’s usually simply a matter of hospitality, and to confuse it with actual affection is not productive. I’m sure it occasionally might, but for the most part, no. It’s also somewhat creepy to accost someone at work, where they are stuck, and forced to be nice about it.
Well, neither “I have a boyfriend” nor “nah, sorry, not interested” seem to be particularly good deterrents, at least for me. I’ve generally had to end up saying “no is no, you got a problem?”
Apparently the kind of guys who come hunting for girls who look like me have problems with “no” in any language.
Used it many times as a teen, after trying ‘No thanks’ and ‘Not interested.’ You see, apparently creepy male strangers respected the wishes of some guy they’d never met more than my own.
But I don’t think there’s ever a silver bullet for Mr. Persistence. Surely you know guys who won’t accept anything other than the Someone Else Excuse (whether you’re fending off their advances, or trying to break off a relationship), because their mommies did such a marvelous job of convincing them that they were Orgasms Incarnate that they can’t possibly believe you’re not interested! 