How to get out of catholicism?

[Little_Nemo]

@CaptainAmerica_1987

Oh believe me myself and the rest of family haven’t been there in well over a decade, none of us think of ourselves as being catholic but we like to make things official and not be a member on their books anymore.

If you’re still concerned about what the Catholic Church thinks - and your desire to “get out” in a way the church will recognize - then you still think of yourself as being Catholic at least a little bit. The only way you’ll ever really be out of the Catholic Church is when you no longer care whether or not you’re in it.

[Drunky_Smurf]

Did you call the 1-800-number? You hit 6 for “English” and then 6 again for “Not about molesting children.” and then once again 6 for “Take me off the mailing list.”

That should do it.

[Kent_Clark]

@kayaker

The Catholic Church pretty much never gives up. My gf’s ex-husband attended a local Catholic Church a few times. He’s been gone for a decade. I pretty much moved in right after he left. I’ve tossed an envelope from the church each month (that’s 120 envelopes) since moving in. (They are envelopes filled with ?donation envelopes or something)

So, the dude has missed over 500 consecutive Sundays and they haven’t taken the hint.

Amateurs. My father’s been dead for 19 years this month and he’s still getting mail from the U.S. Air Force Space and Missile Museum. You think the Catholics are hard to shake?

[eschereal]

@Drunky_Smurf

Did you call the 1-800-number? You hit 6 for “English” and then 6 again for “Not about molesting children.” and then once again 6 for “Take me off the mailing list.”

That should do it.

They have an English option now? That must be new, used to be the whole thing was only in Latin.

[kayaker]

@eschereal

They have an English option now? That must be new, used to be the whole thing was only in Latin.

iHay atholicCay urchChay, aketay emay offyay youryay ailingmay istlay.

[Don_t_Panic]

@Dewey_Finn

Yes, they will. I recommend turning off the lights on Sundays and pretending that no one’s home, just in case the priest police show up at your door.

The Church Police! :eek:

Or, wait, I suppose that those guys are Anglicans.

What you really need to worry about is the Spanish Inquisition.

[Shark]

I didn’t expect that.

[LSLGuy]

@Shark

I didn’t expect that.

I’m amazed we got all the way to post #66 before they showed up. Knowing this crowd I was expecting them all along.

[Wile_E]

@kayaker

The Catholic Church pretty much never gives up. My gf’s ex-husband attended a local Catholic Church a few times. He’s been gone for a decade. I pretty much moved in right after he left. I’ve tossed an envelope from the church each month (that’s 120 envelopes) since moving in. (They are envelopes filled with ?donation envelopes or something)

So, the dude has missed over 500 consecutive Sundays and they haven’t taken the hint.

Catholic churches don’t take attendance. But if you give them money once, I’m sure you’d remain on the mailing list. However, had someone tried returning one of those envelopes with “no longer at this address” they probably would have stopped sending them because they need that sweet postage to go towards the incense and candle bills. Oh, and pancakes. We* loves us some pancakes.

*Yes, I am Catholic again if pancakes are involved. So I guess you really can never leave.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@LSLGuy

I am intrigued by your methods and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

The Mormons and Catholics are both evil organizations; pitting them against each other in this way is awesome. Going for a scorched heaven tactic. Skald would be proud.

Skald would recommend a lot more murder & theft.

[YogSothoth]

Ways to get out of Catholicism:

• Try to convert people to Islam when you’re in church

• Interrupt sermons by shouting “Liar!”

• Replace the holy water with vodka and the communion wafers with Oreos

• Announce that as soon as you become a priest, you’ll finally be able to freely molest children

• Bring your own podium and have a counter-sermon on the other side of the room. Serve punch and pie

• Color all of the Jesuses on the crucifixes black and tell people that’s what Jesus really looked like

• Paint pentagrams on the front door of the church in blood

• Get a bunch of people dressed like witches to follow you around in church and curse people

[Freddy_the_Pig]

The Catholic Church has its faults, but being difficult to leave isn’t one of them. It’s not like Scientology!

[robert_columbia]

@LSLGuy

…

Or maybe it’s like the McCarthy era’s infamous question: “Are you now, or have you ever been a …”

Good point. Suppose I check my mail one day and find a letter from Al-Qaeda granting me a lifetime membership which, pursuant to Section 44.2 Subparagraph Q Addendum 4 of the Combined Rules of Al-Qaeda for Jihad and Terrorism Handbook Statutes Allah Akbar, cannot be terminated except by a document signed by the current Al-Qaeda #1 and #2 with signatures witnessed by at least three drunk midgets and signed using the blood of a godless Western infidel. Would I be required to report this “membership” and/or declare myself to be an Al-Qaeda member when filling out forms etc.?

[eschereal]

@YogSosoth

• Replace the holy water with vodka and the communion wafers with Oreos

put some good Owsley-grade acid on the communion wafers

[Kent_Clark]

@robert_columbia

Good point. Suppose I check my mail one day and find a letter from Al-Qaeda granting me a lifetime membership which, pursuant to Section 44.2 Subparagraph Q Addendum 4 of the Combined Rules of Al-Qaeda for Jihad and Terrorism Handbook Statutes Allah Akbar, cannot be terminated except by a document signed by the current Al-Qaeda #1 and #2 with signatures witnessed by at least three drunk midgets and signed using the blood of a godless Western infidel. Would I be required to report this “membership” and/or declare myself to be an Al-Qaeda member when filling out forms etc.?

Next time, read the damn terms of service before you click “Accept.”

[Johanna]

OK, I looked up the cheat codes for this. You just say, “I do not renounce Satan. I do not renounce all his works. I do not renounce all his pompoms…” and the rest of the baptismal spiel, with the meanings inverted. Dæmon est Deus inversus. Like running a movie backward, it unties the knots they put at baptism into the invisible silver cord connecting you to the church invisible. Or something like that. I may have garbled the Catholicism a bit. Just slip the old moorings. I did and never looked back.

[LSLGuy]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

Skald would recommend a lot more murder & theft.

I see you’re feeling better. Welcome back to the land of the living.

[Don_t_Panic]

@Johanna

OK, I looked up the cheat codes for this. You just say, “I do not renounce Satan. I do not renounce all his works. I do not renounce all his pompoms…” and the rest of the baptismal spiel, with the meanings inverted. Dæmon est Deus inversus. Like running a movie backward, it unties the knots they put at baptism into the invisible silver cord connecting you to the church invisible. Or something like that.

And if that doesn’t work, you could try up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A. start.

[eschereal]

Is that “disingenuflection”?

[Don_t_Panic]

@eschereal

put some good Owsley-grade acid on the communion wafers

I don’t know about this. LSD is often linked with religious and mystical experiences. The entire congregation could end up finding God.

Wait. Am I arguing for or against this idea?