How to handle ignorant rednecks 101

The BBQ Pit
1

Here’s something I witnessed yesterday, which still has me flabbergasted and tempted to commit violence.

I’m outside smoking a butt (at work), and another manager comes outside to smoke with me. We’ll call him “Danny.” Danny and I barely get greetings out to each other before the husband of one of Danny’s employees trudges out to the smoke tables.

Husband will be known as “Bubba” and his wife – our employee – will be known as “Stella.” (The perfect Tenneessee Williams reference.) Husband is not, and never will be, employed by our company.

Bubba came to Stella’s workplace for the sole reason of confronting her boss (Danny) as to why she has been working so damn hard. He’s concerned for Stella’s health and blusters that he’s going to continue to confront people at this company until he gets all the way to the “Bigwigs.” Stella, BTW, is not remotely sick, has not been taking sick days, and is in as perfect health as anyone can be. She is not particularly stressed out (anymore than anyone else), has plenty of down time to recharge and does quite well juggling her obligations and responsibilities. She’s a model employee with a wonderful positive attitude.

Bubba also wants to know, who’s been talking about Stella’s ass and does he have to kick Danny’s ass for looking at her? Danny is happily married, with two kids, and although a flirt – does not pay much attention to Stella’s ass. The rest of the department is 95% women, none of which are lesbians. So, IMHO, nobody is looking at or talking about, Stella’s ass. Except Bubba, who is clearly too insecure and possessive to realize this.

Danny patiently and politely explains that Stella is an award-winning employee who does a terrific job. Danny had gone to the trouble of nominating her for their Division’s employee of the year award, which she won. He goes to great lengths to let Stella know she is appreciated as a model employee.

Bubba doesn’t give a damn. He’s just pissed off because Stella doesn’t punch in, punch out and leave it at that. Stella is a supervisor and takes a lot of work home in order to meet her deadlines. She is responsible for her cases and busts her ass to make sure the clients are taken care of. She actually likes, and cares about, her job and her clients, thus taking precious possessiveness time away from Bubba.

Bubba wants to know why Stella has to work 80 hours a week. “Why she gotta bring work home all the damn time?” Again, Danny politely and patiently explains that Stella is not required to work anything over 40 hours a week and if she chooses to bring work home, it’s exactly that – her choice. In fact, Danny points out, he tells Stella to blow off the deadlines as the work will still be there tomorrow. He tells Bubba if he doesn’t want Stella to work here, he should “tell her to quit.”

Bubba blusters on and on for a while, complaining about what a horrible company this is and how we’ve pissed him off already and how he’s going to have to keep coming back until he “gets to the bottom of this.” (He was thrown out of last year’s Holiday/Awards Ceremony Party for getting too drunk and belligerent and getting in the face of the Chairman of the Board. Ooops.) Bubba is a truck driver by trade and has probably never worked in an office or any professional capacity in his life. Has no concept of what cubicle life is about.

Here’s what pisses me off:

  1. Bubba’s just pissed off because Stella is not home barefoot and pregnant – and doing exactly as he tells her. Not that we can do anything about that, as her employers. Bubba seems to think we can – and will, at his rude request.
  2. Bubba is intimidated by his own wife because she now has a position of responsibility, authority and is a little self-empowered. He, of course, has no power and is probably feeling a little bit more emasculated with each award, accolade and promotion Stella gets. He can’t stand to see her successful. And she’s probably footing most of the bills for the family – even though she doesn’t make a whole lot of money. My money is on the bet that she makes more than he does.
  3. Bubba is pissed off because he can’t “make” Stella do anything. He can’t control her choices and he can’t stand the idea that he’ll have to microwave his own dinner because Stella has professional obligations she feels she must attend to.
  4. Bubba thinks that, by belligerently confronting Stella’s boss, (and his boss, and her boss, etc.) he will get somewhere. Bubba thinks we will fire her just because he wants her at home, pumping out puppies.
  5. Where’s the spousal support for Stella? Why does this variety of man have to be such assholes about their women earning a little success? WTF?

So, here’s the thing:

  • Should Danny have a conversation with Stella? To what end?
  • Should we just call the cops next time Bubba shows up to cause trouble for her?
  • Why can’t we just shoot Bubba? He’s an ignorant redneck and doesn’t deserve to live.
  • There are probably thousands more Bubbas just like this one? Is there anything that can be done to battle the ignorance that evidently exists in North Florida?
  • Should we not feel sorry for Stella, because she can further empower herself and get up and walk away from this loser any time she wants? I feel sorry for her because her husband is so seriously embarrassing her professionally. If that was my husband, I’d kill him. Or die trying.
  • Should we be concerned that Stella might be getting “disciplined” from Bubba on a regular basis? I suspect he’s being a jealous control freak and is probably a good candidate for wife-beating.

Anybody else want to help me lynch Bubba and string him up to the nearest corporate ladder? Oh. And since this is the Pit and I’ve used very few expletives to rant: Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck.

[/rant]

2

Might want to make sure everything is okay for her at home, otherwise I don’t see the point.

Yes and No. Call the cops, they get paid to deal with people like Bubba. And, to borrow a movie quote “Don’t shoot him! He won’t learn nothing!”

Dunno. I’ve had friends from N Florida, so I don’t think they all suffer congenital brain defects. It’s just the loudest get the most press. Depriving them of a platform from which to spew might be a start. Next time Bubba shows up, call the cops and ignore him until they take him away.

Yes, support Stella. Don’t let her feel alone or alienated. That would play into Bubba’s grubby hands. Otherwise, Stella should handle Bubba herself.

Unless you have evidence, don’t jump to conclusions. :)Accusations from friends at work would only “empower” Bubba and encourage him. It sounds like Danny handled him the best way I know of, calmly and without excitement. Certainly, Bubba can be dangerous. But it’s easy to keep him at a simmer instead of a raging boil.

I’ve unfortunately had experience handling the paticular breed of redneck that can inhabit the south. Some are the nicest people you could meet, generous to a fault. Others are like Bubba, who can’t understand the world past their nose. Not engaging Bubba in hostilities is the best path. That and supporting Stella. She’ll either have a conversation with Bubba and the 2x4 of Instant Wisdom or dump him.

[sub]Geez, I sound condesending. I don’t mean to be.[/sub]

3

From the sound of it, Bubba’s a little-dick hick who, as you pointed out, can’t deal with the fact that his wife is a professional, working woman. She probably brings home more money than he does, and I agree that he’s probably feeling emasculated.

:rolleyes: This is North Florida, after all. On the weekends, he probably fills his belly with beer and paints himself garnet and gold…
He’s a small-minded redneck. This type of person is unavoidable. I just hope that Stella is a strong enough person to hold her own against him in his macho bullshit posturing.

I’d suggest keeping an eye on Stella, both subtly to watch for things like unexplained bruises (Bubba is a prime candidate for a wife-beater), and also to develop a network of caring friends with whom she can talk about her greaseball. This will give you a good idea of her home life and if an intervention may be necessary.

And if Bubba was acting in a threatening way, you are perfectly within your rights to tell him that he is no longer welcome on company property and will be charged with trespassing the next time he shows up.

4

I’m going to give you an answer you’re not going to like: there’s not much you can do about it.

Sure, there’s a chance that he’s feeling emasculated and threatened by his wife’s position of power. Sure he might want to see his wife barefoot and pregnant. Sure he might be beating her on the side. But based upon the evidence you’ve presented in the OP, I cannot logically jump to the conclusions that you’re making.

This isn’t to say that you’re wrong. Had I been there and witnessed it firsthand, I might have jumped to those same conclusions. There’s most likely information you’re leaving out and information you can’t possibly convey in words. Maybe you are correct. But at this point I don’t see it.

What you can do is bar him office functions. But unless Stella’s work suffers, which it doesn’t seem to be doing, I don’t think you can pry into her personal life over a hunch.

5

Honey, I am from the south. Bubba is my father, uncle, and first boyfriend (that is almost a joke).

All I can tell you is, Bubba is everywhere and you can’t stop him. The only person who can stop Bubba is Stella. She has to be the one to tell him to back off and she has to be the one to leave him. Other people might say that you should confront him or call the cops on him, but do you know what that will do? It will further piss him off and he will take his anger out on Stella at home where no one can protect her but herself, and she obviously ain’t too interested in that job.

I have seen this situation time and again. My sister nearly married Bubba a few years back. We have a great relationship and as it turns out I was able to talk sense to her, but if the truth had come from our mother, one of her friends or someone who couldn’t get into her head, she would have not only tuned them out but also defended her choice by eloping.

I say, the best thing to do is help Stella when she asks for help. Or, if she comes to work with a broken arm, you have a moral obligation to call the cops if her explanations involve doors or stairs. But other than that, honey, you’ve got to worry about yourself. Stella knows what’s going on, and if she’s as sharp as you described her, then she won’t have any problems finding her way out of this relationship.

Take her to lunch or something. Get closer to her. When she is ready, let her bring it up and don’t put words into her mouth. Admitting that you married a looser isn’t easy.

BTW, you’re a good friend.

6

No, no, no . . . The correct movie quote is, “But [he’s] fur-bearing – I’d need a permit or something, wouldn’t I?”
:smiley:

7

You’re giving me a bit too much credit here. I’m just a casual observer – but I do care. And I appreciate all the advice people have put up here.

What I will do is check with Danny to make sure Stella has some sort of support network, friends at work who she confides in. If not, then I’ll see what wiley networking scheme I can work out for her – without breaking confidences and letting people know what situation I THINK she might be in. I am jumping to conclusions with little or no evidence. And she’s not my employee – really she’s Danny’s responsibility. My dept. is about to move to another location, so I won’t be able to monitor this very closely after January. I have a good rapport with Danny and will speak to him about this. I agree – he did handle this very well and I sent him an atta-boy e-mail to give credit. I wanted to clock the asshole – and Danny did too – he showed IronMan restraint. Evidently Danny grew up down here and is used to dealing with these freaks. He’s much better equipped to monitor and handle Bubba than I am.

Enderw23 is right: there ain’t a whole lot I can do about it. Just frustrates me to no end that this type of shit still goes on… And it seems poor Stella is on her own.

I still wanna shoot him!

8

Bubba is everywhere, North, West, South and East. He is a product of his environment. Brought up to be the bread-winner in his home, while the little wife dedicates her life to making his life easier. This is not a new scenario. You would be surprised at the men that resent the fact that their wives make more money than they do. Yes it is true, women do have brains and abilities. Welcome to the real world.
Best thing that you can do is to let the lady handle her husband in her own way. While it’s very nice of you to offer your support, he is an embarrassment to her and the less said to her the better. If he shows up again, call security or the police or whatever and don’t even bother her with it.
Most of all, help her hang on to her job by not letting this jerk affect the way the company views her. It’s not her fault.

9

It seems to me that he’s TRYING to get her fired so that she will depend on him. Since Danny is her boss, he knows the situation and my interpretation was that he’s not going to fire her because of Bubba. I would think that eventually Bubba would give up, realizing that he’s having no effect upon Stella’s job, but I don’t know the type, and it seems that he’ll probably never give up.

I like the trespassing warning, and subsequent calls to the police to have him removed. And I wouldn’t bother saying anything to Stella about him.

10

’zilla, not much to add beyond an anecdote.

When I was living in Norf Care’lina I had a friend at work, cute little blonde thing who was dating and living with a young Bubba. This toad was a low-budget greasy metalhead, you know the type. At work we knew he’d been treating her like shit and were subtly trying to convince her to leave him. Then one day, Bubba saw her at work with a male friend. A black male friend.

She arrived at work the next day with a seriously black eye, and actually tried to tell us she had slipped in the shower. We were livid, but still couldn’t do anything. Until he came by to pick her up and made some unfortunate remarks about how he’d “kill the fukkin’ niggers that was lookin at his bitch.”

Now this was a restaurant in Durham, NC, mind you. The kitchen staff was 80-90% black, the wait staff about 60%. And the wait staff were almost all students at Duke, Carolina, or NC Central.

Bubba couldn’t tell the cops who his attackers were–it was dark. But that night, while my friend was whisked away to a shelter by her sisters, persons unknown attempted to teach Bubba a lesson in manners–or at least to pick on someone his own size.

Oddly, the next day several members of local Alpha Kappa Alpha chapters sported some very irritating bruises on their knuckles.

And my friend got herself a nice fat restraining order.

The moral of the story has nothing to do with lynch mobs, but with friendship. The bigger Stella’s support network is, the better able she’ll be to withstand Bubba when he (inevitably, IMO) snaps.

11

Check that. He saw them at lunch.

12

snicker That works. :smiley:

13

I wonder if this behavior is over the top, even for Bubba. Has Stella ever shown physical signs of abuse? What was Stella’s reaction to this latest outburst? Some partners come to work with guns; I hope this will not be his next step.

14

I’d certainly agree that you can take the scenario out of the South. My first experience with this nonsense involved the analyst I reported to and her husband. They had both started out as working-class (salt-of-the-Earth, no racial or ethnic prejudices) folks working hard to better themselves, but she had been able to parlay a knowledge of the accounting procedures in her department into a computer analyst position. (She couldn’t code to save her life, but she was a decent business analyst.)

The higher she rose in the organization (and the more money she brought home), the longer hours she worked. He was doing OK, himself, but he could not deal with her success. When he started to get physical, they broke up.

She was third-generation ethnic and he was WASP, but not even vaguely hillbilly or redneck. The location was metro Cleveland.

I’m pretty sure that personal insecurity crosses most regional and ethnic boundaries.

15

Unfortunately I can’t answer either of those questions. Stella and Danny are located in a different building and I have never had any business reason to step into Danny’s department. So I don’t know her well enough to know how much of a powderkeg this guy could be. I am leaving it in the hands of her very capable manager, Danny.

Thanks for all the input from everyone, though. At least we’ve learned:

  • This type of behavior is not exclusive to Southern rednecks and,
  • I’m accepting the futility of worrying about her.

However, Andros’ anecdote is still my favorite… Good work!

16

I think Danny handled this situation incorrectly to begin with. Talking with Bubba empowers him–even if you’re disagreeing. In his mind he’s negotiating (or scheming) to get what he wants. The longer he has Danny talking, the better he sees his odds of succeeding.

I have found, from experience, that the best way to handle meddling spouses (and parents, too) is to respond along the lines of “Stella’s job performance is a private matter that I can only discuss with her and certain other managers within the company. I know you have her best interests at heart, but if Stella has a problem I’m sure she’ll come to me”. Leave it at that, no more discussion. If Bubba is coming on the premises to do his questioning I would follow the above comment with “If you insist on pressing this issue now or in the future I will call the police/security”. This negates Bubba of his ‘negotiating’ position and denies him the attention he craves.

BTW, in my experience “Bubba” is usually male when a spouse of the employee, but female when a parent. YMMV.

17

English is my first language, despite this butchering:

That should read “This negates Bubba’s ‘negotiating’ position and denies him the attention he craves.”

I really should preview more often.

18

I’d suggest listening to “Goodbye Earl” by the Dixie Chicks.

19

Well, I’m a Texan, and “He needed killing” is sometimes a good reason, but it rarely stands up in court these days. However, Bubba ain’t gonna change, if he follows the type. SOME Bubbas can learn. Most can’t. I feel for Stella. I think you’re a Good Guy to be concerned. And I wish that my fictional cousin Vinnie the Expediter was real, so he could give you a seasonal discount.

Scarlett67, I think that the “he won’t learn nothing” quote was from Batman 3. And in my opinion, he won’t learn nothing unless he gets a clue-by-four upside the head. Even then, he might not learn anything.