How to help my grandma with these kids?

In My Humble Opinion
1

We have a family dilemma, and I’m wondering if I could get your opinion. It’s long and complex and very sad, so please bear with me…

My grandmother had eight kids - I am the offspring of the oldest. The fifth son has three kids - D, J and C. I am an adult, and they are 13, 9 and 5. The oldest, D, was diagnosed with leukemia last month, and due to a recent infection, her liver is in shock, and she is currently in a coma in the hospital. Her condition is rough, but she is slowly but surely getting better. Very slowly, and nothing is certain at this point.

So, as can be expected, her Mom is beside herself with worry. Dad is too, but has to continue working (and driving from Bloomington to Indy to see his daughter when he can). Mom is spending every second at the hospital. The rest of the family lives in the north of the state, about 4 hours away. When D went into the hospital, they asked if someone could pick up the kids and take care of them. This is where it starts to get sticky…

My grandmother, who is strong and loving and all around awesome, is 74. Since the first of the year, she has lost her husband and sister-in-law to cancer, and found out D had cancer. Last year, she watched her fourth son battle lymphoma (in remission and doing well now), lost a great-grandchild, and started watching her husband die. This on top of all of the really crappy things she has been through in her life. On a happy note, she just got back from a trip to Ireland, her first trip out of the country, and her first real vacation in years. So, she’s 74 and tired, but always happy to help. Which leads us back to the other kids, J and C.

I hate to pile on, but they are spoiled so rotten, they smell like roadkill. I can be critical, but I am not alone is assessing these kids as awful, awful kids to take care of. The oldest, J, has one of those nebulous ASD conditions, but he’s really smart, and to me seems to have been allowed to do whatever he wants under the guise of his “condition”. The youngest, C, is 5, still drinking out of a sippy cup, and still gets up at night. Neither of them will eat anything that’s not bologna or hot dogs, and they won’t take baths, play alone or do much beyond watch TV. Because of the situation, no one wants to push them, but it’s so bad, even my loving, patient and wonderful grandmother is getting short with them. This has become, in only a little over a week, a constant trial for everyone who is helping (my aunt, who lives with grandma, me, and two other aunts).

My question is - how long do we let this go on? Mom’s family lives near us, but so far has only showed up once (yesterday) and took the kids for a few hours. You see, they “work” and don’t have much time for help. Well, we “work” too, including Grandma (though only a part-time job), and it’s already becoming a scheduling nightmare for the rest of us, what with the jobs, kids, and issues in our own lives. Oh, and the wake we need to go to tonight for grandma’s sister-in-law.

It’s just all crappy, and I’m shocked that no one from Mom’s family has volunteered to help more. I’m also shocked that Mom and Dad seem to have spared not one single thought for their other children, and the rest of the family, particularly grandma. That may sound selfish, but this is the second time they have spent extended time here since D got sick, and it can be no surprise to them that their children are hard to take care of - they are not in any way stupid or unaware. I guess I just don’t understand why the Mom hasn’t taken more steps to ensure her other kids, and by extension the rest of the family that she loves, are okay and well cared for. This will sound callous, and I know I have no idea what she’s going through, but D is in a coma, so it’s not like she’s doing any care taking right now. And I have always thought that when you have a situation that’s so out of control, taking control of some other part of your life can help to keep you sane. So, it would seem reasonable to me that she gets her cell phone, contacts her family to let them know they need to help out too, and gains some control over her life.

What are your thoughts? As I see it, this is a terrible tragedy in our close family, but Grandma is being taken advantage of, and there should be some thought on their end about her physical and mental health. It may be premature, since this could be resolved any day now (for better or worse), but right now, it’s just this open ended problem.

2

I’m sorry about your nephew. That’s really sad.

Is there anyone who could help on the other side of the family – like your uncle’s wife’s people?

Could someone else take one of the kids so that grandma is only responsible for one? Maybe they’d behave better if they were split up.

Is there a summer camp, daytime Bible School, or day care that one or both of the kids could go to?

3

Why can’t grandma put her foot down? Like nixing the TV, requiring baths, etc? Obviously this will cause some unrest but the ultimate outcome will either be that the kids whine to go to Mom’s Side, or it eventually causes some peace for grandma. She raised 8 kids, can’t she wield the same power over 3 more?

Sounds like a crappy situation for everyone involved - I hope everything gets resolved, and the kid in the coma pulls through.

4

74’s a little old to be caring for two young kids full time, isn’t it? Wouldn’t the kids do better placed with relations their own age? Even if they have to be parted.

5

I’m very sorry about the oldest daughter. I hope she pulls through OK.

So the problem is with the 9- and 5-year-old, right? It sounds like a great big dose of Tough Love is needed. Off goes the TV, out the door go the snacks and everyone is now expected to eat like everyone else and Obey the Rules. We’re not at home, you’re not on vacation, you’re at Grandma’s house and she makes the rules.

Of course this is very tough when there’s a sick child involved, but if Grandma really is willing to take the children, I’d say she needs to draw up a big poster with five main rules on it, post it in the kitchen and lay down the law. No TV until we get full compliance. Etc. She knows what to do.

As far as helping her, you could offer planned outings for compliance with the rules (“eat your dinner every night and Saturday we go to the zoo”). Read to them. Buy puzzles and get them intersted in things besides television.

You’ll get resistance of course, but stick with it. This could be a growing experience for these kids and maybe offer them some self-reliance, too, should things not work out so well for their older sister and long-term care be necessary.

6

It’s a shame the the parents did such a bad job at raising the kids. The kids are due for a rude awakening. They need the law put down as to the rules of living with grandma and given the other choices of the situation. What they choose is what they live with and the fact that they no longer will get away with what the parents allowed is relevant. That’s the facts of life.

7

I don’t think now is really the time to try making major behavioral changes in these kids. I can imagine that they’re scared, homesick, and feeling pretty neglected. I would personally let them drink out of whatever they want to drink out of, watch all the tv they want, etc. The baths and basic good manners should be requirements, but other than that, just get through what everyone acknowledges is a really scary, confusing, weird time. My heart breaks for the parents of the sick child and for the siblings, too. Poor kids. No wonder the little one is waking up at night. She’s probably terrified.

8

Somebodies in a life sucks mood ignore me. I’m a bit overwhelmed with stuff right now. God damn flood.

9

Yes, it’s scary and you may be right about the major changes, I don’t know. But I would say that severely reducing TV would be a really good idea. IME television makes a lot of kids grumpy and whiny, and large doses of TV make them really grumpy and whiny. Taking them swimming or to the park would keep them busy and tire them out in a much healthier way.

So I wouldn’t quibble about food or sippy cups, but I would take them outdoors, away from TV, and wear them out as much as possible. Then I’d give them Otter Pops. If they behave well, we could maybe go see a WALL-E matinee later in the week.

10

J and C don’t sound spoiled. They sound neglected. It sounds as if someone has gotten in the habit of letting them have sippy cups and TV to shut them up. And they’re not socialized because no one particularly wants them around, so they’ve never been required to act civilized.

Perhaps someone could take the time to make them a healthful meal and eat it with them. And take part in healthy non-TV activities with them. And stick with that, day after day, until it produces results. Because there won’t be results right off the bat.

They really will feel better if they eat right and stay active. But they need an incentive to get started on that. If they believed that someone cares about them, and cares enough not to give up on them, that in itself might improve their attitude.

Eh, this is all a lot of glurge. Forget what I said. Spankings all around.

11

Rilch is quite likely correct. But there is often not a lot of difference between neglect and spoiling IMO.

12

They’re kids in a different environment. They are testing they’re boundaries because they feel crappy and nothing is familiar. If the kids are going to be with you for more than another week, a schedule has to be set and adhered to, including small chores (make your own bed, put your plates in the sink), (board)game night, movie night, walk to the park, clean up time, reading time. Your Grandma knows all this, but just hasn’t had to use the information in a while.

Part of the schedule should include other side of the family taking the kids for one night per week so you can get a rest.

Also, kids are pack animals, they can smell fear, and if there’s no single authority figure, they won’t be sure who makes the rules. You need a single authority figure, who is firm and the five simple rules is a good idea. Broad things like: I won’t intentionally do/say something to hurt another’s feelings or belongings, etc.

Good luck, keep us posted and I hope your niece recovers soon.

13

I think it won’t help the kids in a scary time to let them think nobody’s in charge. They need some structure. You don’t need to be rough with them to be firm. I wouldn’t worry about the sippy cup for now, but Grandma needs to set some rules or some schedule and let them know that’s how it is. And if the rest of the family could help that would be good for all of them. If the kids’ mom doesn’t enlist her family, can you? Or somebody from your family? Have them take them for a weekend or a sleepover or something like that, on a regular basis, or even dinner and the evening.

Kids that age can learn the concept of “my house, my rules”.

Is it possible that their parents think they’re protecting them by keeping them out of the loop?

14

Heh, there is a lot of wisdom to be found on the boards but that’s particularly true and well put.

Satryn76, you’ve summed up a bad situation clearly enough that we can all sympathize, but I’m not clear on what you think possible solutions might be, assuming you are looking for support in taking possibly difficult steps to change things. For example, are you looking for ways to force more support from J and C’s maternal grandparents/aunts and uncles?

Also, how does Grandma feel about the situation? It does sound like she’s being taken advantage of, but if she doesn’t mind (and maybe the grief she’s been through is helping her to keep perspective) then it may not be appropriate to interfere.

Finally, if you’d like for J and C’s mother to spend more time with them, is there a non-confrontational way to make that happen - say, by calling and offering to stay with D while J, C and their parents have a family dinner together?

15

Thanks so far for your ideas, and it looks like the advice is mostly on track with what I had imagined…

My main purpose for this post was, really, to verify that I wasn’t some hellbound jerk who was being selfish and judgmental, and losing perspective due to some crappy kids. It looks like I’m okay in that regard…

It just drives me crazy that these kids are (and have always been) treated like they’re special little snowflakes, while being fed improperly (they all have weight problems) and allowed to run loose. Normally, my thought would be “Hey, not my kids, not my problem” but now, it’s everybody else’s problem too. I sat with them yesterday evening, and while there were no major problems, it was really creepy. They both just sat around, TV or no TV, and they didn’t talk. Didn’t laugh or run or play or juggle knives or anything you would expect from a couple of kids. But when it’s time to make them do something, the crying and whining and carrying on begins…

I am irritated that Mom’s rather large family hasn’t been around to help out. They have been here once, for a few hours, and that’s it. They are local to us, and they have not even called here to see how things were. I know that my grandma, having the opportunity to see her non-local grandkids, would jump at the chance. Well, obviously, since they’re currently living with her :slight_smile: Let’s say this drags on for a few more weeks - would it be appropriate for one of us to contact them and ask for help?

And, a further question, which, if answered, will probably make you rich beyond belief - why do people treat kids, even “special” kids, like gods? Especially at a time of crisis? This is driving me insane! :wink:

16

I think it would be appropriate right now to call and ask the other members of the family for help. Your family is in crisis and now is the time for everyone to pitch in, even if it’s just to take the kids out to a park for an hour or two or bring dinner.

For your last question, I would say that it drives me insane when kids are expected to be superhuman in times of crisis. I’ve seen this a lot when adults are talking about their divorces and they’re confused about why the kids are being “brats”. Kids are humans, too. Imagine if you had to go stay with a person you had very little in common with, away from your home, your friends, all the regular little comforts and habits of your world. Your sibling is very seriously ill, you probably don’t understand that fully, and may even be blaming yourself for what’s going on. Now imagine that you had no choice in the matter, have almost no choice in how your day-to-day life is run, are expected to obey rules you’ve never had to obey before, and the people who you most rely on to comfort and protect you aren’t able to be around to do that. What you call treating them like “gods” is what I call compassion. These kids need extra attention and gentle love, not people coming in trying to shape them up. Your grandmother, I’m sure, understands this, but she of course has limitations. You all need to help.

I can’t even imagine being in the mother’s position (the one with the sick child). If my kids had to be left with someone while I attended to a life-or-death crisis, I would hope that when they got up in the night, they’d be met with cuddles and kisses and when they sat around in a quiet daze, they’d be met with loving acceptance.

17

Fair statement - but these kids acted this way well before anyone got sick. I’m just sayin’…

18

Yes, but they might be more motivated to “shape up” if they felt like they were part of the family, not just a burden. If they have the option of contributing to a good group of people, they probably will.

19

And you wonder why certain members of the extended family aren’t offering to help out? Now, maybe those family members are just selfish cretins who can’t be bothered to be helpful. But maybe they just aren’t eager to spend time with some brats.

Still, I don’t know that it’s unreasonable to call family members and ask for assistance, especially if you are specific. “You know, it would be really helpful if you could watch these kids on Saturday Afternoon so that Grandma can rest”. “Any chance Susie can come do a couple loads of laundry or bake her famous lasagne for Sunday dinner?”

Just don’t get your hopes up too high.

20

This is a bit of an aside, and IANA child specialist, but I would wonder about the diagnosis of ASD from the way you have described the boy. One of the defining characteristics of Asperger’s (along with a tendency to obsess with a single subject in a cataloging-rather-than-insightful way, and inability to read social cues) is that Asperger’s kids talk talk talk talk talk.

Sorry, I’m not sure that is germane to the thread. But one does wonder about the overall care these kids are receiving, even if they did not have to experience the tragedy of their sister’s illness.