Other Person: " … and after that, we’ll all be killed by gigantic rats that have lived off our offal and mutated due to the ozone hole riding Bush’s tax cuts right up the Ninth Circuit Court to our very special moral decay!"
Me: “And I bet that makes everyone in Wales as nervous as Welshmen.”
Insist on repeating the phrase “They were astounded by the sheer volume of pus.”
Insist on saying nothing, and look at the end of your shoe for eight hours straight until the clock runs out.
Kill your Commanding Officer.*
*Not a pacifist act.
Kill your brain.
Tell the CIA that you want them to beam thoughts into your head.
Phone J. Edgar Hoover. Tell him it’s a three-stocking emergency.
Make a phone out of your fingers and get put on hold. For hours. Sing the easy listening you are subjected to. After a long time, slam your hand into a nearby table, face down, nine edge first.
Declare that Groucho Marx was more significant than Leonardo da Vinci, and that you’ll kill the man who disagrees.
Declare your hands as illegal immigrants who fled from Albania for a chance at winning the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Then make throttling motions while repeating the name `Ed McMahon’ over and over.
Beep.
Mention the word COBOL in the same sentence as the word programming. Drool while doing this.
Bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate an earnest college protestor.
Interject into any political discussion your extreme anger at the fact that your opinion is NEVER taken into consideration when selecting the Galactic Emperor.
Another killer is quite effective. It must be delivered exactly the way Nicolas Cage did in Valley Girl. The line is “I didn’t know that.” It must be expressed in such a way that not only is it exceedingly clear that the statement is true, but the expression must carry equally clearly that there is absolutely no joy in the learning of whatever is now known that wasn’t known earlier. There may also be (though not required) a hint of ennui at being placed in the position of having to respond at all. (A blank stare would work in much the same way, without giving away all the information that the spoken sentence did.)
A loud burp at the same juncture is probably more rude than the blank stare. However, the same point is doubtless made.
Another amusing ploy must be carried on for several minutes if not longer. The victim must be garrulously explaining something that is of minor importance to you, and the feelings of the speaker must be trod upon recklessly so that no doubt can remain after the ploy is applied that the speaker has been had.
While appearing to be rapt in whatever topic is being explained, making eye contact and showing great empathy by way of frequent utterances of “I see” and “you don’t say” and “uh huh” with abundant head noddings and smiles, the longer this can be kept up the more effective the payoff will be. Sooner or later the speaker will provide an opening for the ploy by asking for some feedback, over and above the constant clues you have been providing with the nods and verbal clues.
At that point you say, “Oh. I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening.”
Every time the person you are talking to says any word that could be even remotely interpreted as having a sexual meaning (wood, tool, balls, etc), start laughing a la Beavis and Butthead.
“I gotta tell you about the new pitchfork I just bought! The tines have the perfect spacing to hold the manure balls while still shaking the dry shavings through and…”
Mind you, this won’t work with other horsepeople. In fact, you’ll still be trading barn tips when they start flickering the lights.
“You have very nice boobs.” Most effective when said to someone of the same gender. Also works well when said by a female to a male.
Dump a bottle (.5L) on them.
If in a discussion about anything but politics, start talking about the current president/prime minister/etc’s foreign policy. If discussing politics, start talking about Justin Timberlake.
I have a buddy of mine who killed a conversation quite well tonight with “you should’ve seen the size of that clitoris,” while holding his hands about a foot apart.
