Suppose you were an employee for the election division of one of the major networks. What would you do to help loosen up the tension that everyone is feeling on election night?
Change the colors. Bush states are now burnt umber. Kerry states are ochre. Undecided states are turqoise.
“With sixty-four percent of precinct reporting, we are ready to call Ohio for Badnarik.” [Pause for three seconds.] “Just kidding.”
Show the results of exit polls with totally arbitrary and meaningless divisions of the public. “Fifty-two percent of those who eat grapefruit once a week voted for Kerry.”
Tell people that Osama bin Laden showed up to vote, but declined to state who he was voting for.
“You may not believe this, but Palm Beach County just screwed up the whole election again.”
In Kent Brockman voice, say “Folks, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, democracy just doesn’t work.”
Ochre is a yellowish reddish brown kind of close to the dust that comes off of terra cotta pots, I believe, and umber is a darker reddish brown like a '70s couch.
I like the color change idea, but I think you should just make every state a different color. Or else make the Republican states turquoise, and the Democrat states a slightly different shade of aquamarine.
Record the news early in the election-results broadcast, edit it to add an invading-UFOs graphic, then do a voiceover that says, “With the Martians now controlling thirty-eight percent of the nation’s land mass, the President has announced that the election will be postponed for another week.” Finish with a sudden avalanche of video snow.
Play it back on the TVs in your local bar and watch everyone dive for cover.
“You’re not going to believe this, but we just found Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction.”
One newscaster wears a pin saying “Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos”. Other than that pin, this person looks and acts totally normal throughout the night.
In fact, any network that uses any Simpsons reference on election night will become my favorite network for ever and ever, unless it’s Fox News.
“On the lighter side of the news, an invasion fleet from mars has just leveled Washington DC and every other capitol on Earth. Both John Kerry and George Bush are unavailable for comment”
