How to motivate an unmoviated 13 year old boy

[freckafree]

I went through this with my 14-year-old son last year. We have the web-based grade book, too, and it was really easy to see what the problem was. He was making A’s on the assignments he turned in. But he was not turning in a LOT of stuff. He forgot, or he swore he had turned it in, or any other number of excuses.

So I decided to concentrate just on getting his assignments turned in, figuring that if he did that, his grades would take care of themselves. I set out the consequences of missing assignments but told him I was willing to reward him when he had NO missing assignments (and it had to be no missing assignments in ALL of his classes). He came up with a system I agreed to, and he turned his grades around in no time flat.

He’s got one problem class this year, but his grades otherwise are good this year.

All of that being said, I think part of it is just developmental. Many thirteen-year-old boys don’t particularly care about why they should turn work in, and until that internal motivation gene switches on, it’s hard to change the outcome.

[WordMan]

@Shirley_Ujest

Our son is 12 and very self directed, self motivated. All A’s. Even with Advanced Math and Football. We are pretty sure he’s adopted and junk.

What we do, not because we worry about him or his sister ( equally as smart but not as driven. She’s a social butterfly and procrastinator who gets the A’s but she needs a carrot.) is check several times a week on line for the homework and grades and email teachers.

WE STAY ON TOP OF IT ALL and WORK WITH THEM EVERY NIGHT.

We don’t expect our kids to have the teacher do it all for us. ( one of my best friends does this two of her three boys have issues with homework help or turning in stuff. The youngest learns from their mistakes and is an A student. Their lack of parenting in this case drives us fucking insane. They cannot understand why their kids are not A students.)

So what this means as a parent is you have to *turn off the TV. Get off the computer. *Saddle up next to them at the kitchen table ( yeah, the kitchen table) and have some good old one on one with them EVERY NIGHT. They will HATE IT. It will be awesome. Until they see their grades go up. And they see the kid whose dad is in prison who doesn’t have any parental help at all. Or the kid who is headed directly to jail after graduation ( if they make it that far.). Even if you sit there reading (and I’m dating myself) the newspaper or a book, while they do homework, you make yourself available to them. Consistently available to them.

What they want from you more than anything is respect and face time. ( and to be away from you, you old, crusty fart.) So you can make a deal with them. They sit there an help you relearn whatever subject it is that they are going through from them and you won’t call them by their cutesie nickname in the middle of a HS basketball game when it is really quiet.

Structure. You’re teaching your kid a more important lesson than the actual topics at school: how to grind it out.

[Palo_Verde]

Thanks for everyone’s input. We have set up this new household rule that will apply to the others once they hit middle school:

“If thou has any grade under a C, thou shalt not socialize with thy friends until that grade is pulled up.”

My son argued, pleaded and begged, but we stood firm this weekend. Now he has a big test today on square roots and ratios, so I just hope he aces it! Wish him luck.

[Dung_Beetle]

Luck to you both!

[Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus]

@friedo

Jesus Fucking Christ. How about screening him for being a 13-year-old first? Why does every discussion everywhere on the Internet about a kid with typical kid problems draw the “OMG GET HIM TO A SHRINK AND PUT THAT FUCKER ON DRUUUUUUUUGS!” post within five seconds?

Why? Because there are identifiable psychiatric disorders for which, in some cases, the drugs can make a huge positive difference in the kid’s life.

[Martini_Enfield]

The world has changed a fair bit since I was 13 (modern computers and consoles being far superior to the Sega Master System I had!) but it does seem to be worth mentioning that the sort of maths we were taught at school was boring and has been utterly useless to this point of my adult life. I’ve never, ever, EVER had to do anything related to Algebra or Trigonometry or Calculus or any of the other mind-numbingly awful, complicated, and pointless mathematical stuff they made us learn in High School- beyond arithmetic (which covers not only addition/subtraction/multiplication etc, but also percentages and “how money works”) and probability (Which can be summarised as “Why you’ll never win at gambling unless you own the Casino”).