I’m going to bring up a post you made not quite a year ago, in which you said your mom gave your baby a bath while drunk. (The link I posted has some excellent responses by raspberry hunter as well).
She does not get to be alone with your baby/toddler. Please. All other things aside, your mom has very poor judgment.
The cooking wouldn’t be my sticking point; I wouldn’t go out and allow the opportunity for her to drink and be a drunk asshole rather than just an asshole, but asking their opinions about takeout and getting something everyone likes seems reasonable. If you really want to cook, though, do it. It’s your house, they’re there on your sufferance, and she can play by your rules for 8 hours. If she’s going to be a jerk about it if you cook, it might not be worth it, but if you’re testing the waters to see if she’s really able to act like a civilized adult this time, you may as well find out now.
The hill I’d die on is leaving the baby alone with them. No way, no how. If it’s been more than a year since you’ve had contact, the kiddo doesn’t even know them. How does she do with strangers? Is your childcare situation one where this might be okay for her? Do you know about your parents’ philosophies on toddler wrangling?
Agreed, have a glass a wine and kvetch about it..
Though it may be a little too soon for leaving them alone right off the bat, because what if the baby doesn’t take to them right away. See how it goes, go with the flow. You want their visit to be enjoyable not trying to placate a fussy freaked out little kid unitl Mommie gets home, and what took you so long anyway/.
It is trying, but really try to put on your best face, for little smaje mostly. And having two sets of GP’s visiting in your house trying to compete for the baby’s attention is not a good idea..(bears repeating…)
Get some white wine, yummy appetizers, pull out the baby albums and let the baby play. Indulge the old lady a bit, and make the old man laugh, it’ll pay off in the end.
Moved MPSIMS --> IMHO.
Except she’s specifically said she doesn’t want her mom drinking alcohol.
It seems to me that one goal for the visit should be to avoid triggers. If your cooking has set off her abusive behavior in the past, then don’t cook. Ask your husband to pick up a bunch of salads and sandwiches from someplace nearby. If leaving them alone with the kids is a trigger, then have your inlaws over too, and leave the kids with all of them (if your inlaws are trustworthy). The baby’s going to be sleeping for a chunk of that 8-hour visit, I imagine, so maybe you and your husband can get away then.
Not only should you invite the in-laws, you should have them bring the food (even if you supply it to them beforehand)and call it catered. That way she doesn’t know she’s eating your food, you do, both are happy about it (or at least not verbalizing their discontent).
If it’s a nice enough day, take the gathering outside. That seems to relax things, lets folks wander around freely. Maybe even take a walk to something that will be interesting to all and kill some time.
If I can spend 3 days pretending w/ my folks you’ll fly through 8 hours w/ yours, I promise!
Not meaning this as projecting, and not pretending to know more about your specific situation than I do I’d like to share something.
During a particularly messy time in my relationship with my mom, which rippled out enough that other family members became aware, my cousin (as she related to me later) said to her boyfriend, “I don’t understand how [My Mom] can be sooo mean to Gwen.”
“I do,” he said, “Something’s wrong with her brain.” Because he’d never been invested in trying to play her reindeer games he had a much clearer perspective. It was a real lightbulb moment for me.
Your mom is not likely to change. You cannot manage her actions or reactions, just your own.
Think as objectively as you can about cooking for your parents. Will you enjoy cooking that meal? Will you be upset if it isn’t well received? Does your history tell you it won’t? In your shoes I would take that bit of pressure off myself and have cheese and crackers or crudite or something very simple to prepare available.
Wow, does this sound familiar. When I used to visit my parents (both gone now), I used to get ferocious headaches from gritting my teeth so hard every moment with my mother.
You can get through 8 hours. Set your phone or watch or something to emit a tone on the hour…you only need 8 of those, and each one will make your heart sing. I agree with what someone else said about pretending they are someone else’s parents that you just have to be civil to for 8 hours.
From what you say, the are coming to see their grandchild (not you; gee, thanks Mom). Get the in-laws there and then leave them to it. (Get a webcam you can monitor remotely, just for your own well-being?) It’s just 8 hours, you can do this!
Can you break up the time? Eight hours is a long time to be with people when there are these issues. Actually, can you figure out how to minimize the amount of time you need to interact with them? This isn’t a permanent solution, just a tactic to survive this visit while you work with your counselor on more long term ideas.
Is it possible to go somewhere like the zoo? At 18 months, your kid is old enough to have fun, and moving around means you aren’t all in the same living room. Maybe even meet at the zoo or other place, so you don’t have to deal with them coming over at first. Then have lunches separately on the way to your house.
Can you leave in the middle for a while, preferably while the little one takes a nap so you don’t have to be staring at your parents for that time?
Thanks for all of the input, Dopers. It helps to hear from people who have been in similar situations.
rachellelogram, thanks for being my staunch defender. I appreciate the kind words and advice from someone who’s gone through the same thing herself.
astro, I hate to admit it, but a little part of my kinda IS asking for a battle (but I want to do my best to supress that completely, because I don’t want to fight with others around). I even had an AWESOME dream last night (right after I posted this thread!) that my mom and I had it out and I completely told her off. It was so lovely.
But for this visit, I really and truly want to remain calm and non-confrontational. I love the advice to treat them as someone else’s parents. I’ll try to keep that in mind.
To clarify →
Mom has never really had my cooking, at least not that I can recall. It’s just that she loves to go out to dinner and isn’t a good cook herself, so everytime I’ve offered, she has convinced everyone to eat out instead, and that has hurt my feelings. But I would rather stay in the safety and comfort of my own home; plus, I love to cook and I think I’m a really good cook. Spending time in the kitchen cooking will be a good escape for me and hubby, as my parents play with the baby. Also, staying at home allows me to control the alcohol situation a little better – of course, M&D may show up with a bottle of wine, but at least they won’t be able to order glass after glass of it. ALSO, there’s the weird issue of who will pay for a dinner out – my mom and dad will insist, but I don’t want them to pay for me (my mom also yells at me a lot for how I handle my finances, and I refuse to be indebted to them for anything, including a dinner out).
And yes, in a previous post, I did say my mom gave my baby a bath while she (mom, not baby) was under the influence. It broke my heart and pissed me off. I won’t even consider leaving them alone together if alcholol is present. However, if it’s not a factor, then I will consider it, depending on how baby smaje reacts to them (she’s an awfully friendly baby). I honestly don’t know if my mom is an alcoholic, although I strongly suspect it, and so I shall proceed through life as if she is.
I’m torn on inviting the in-laws. My mom doesn’t like my mother-in-law much (because she’s FAT but the sweetest, friendliest, most loving and huggiest woman ever) but my dad likes my father-in-law. Maybe I’ll invite the inlaws just to join us for dinner, and let my parents play with the baby all afternoon. It sounds petty to me as I say it, but I kinda want my mom to see how a nice, loving, friendly grandmother interacts with a baby. Ouch!
And gwen → Yep, that’s my mom too. She can’t even comprehend that she’s being mean. It’s so foreign to me, who wants to stop and hug people whenever I see someone crying or sad. 
Rule #1 for surviving time spent with dysfunctional people: Decide what kind of a person you are going to be, and then be that - regardless of other people’s behavior.
Do not leave your baby alone with people you don’t trust. At all, ever. In fact, a person asking to be alone with your child is probably a sure sign that you should never leave the child alone with that person.
Do practice your sympathetic smile, and use it whenever your Mom begins to show her dysfunction. Remember that the way she talks to you is also the way she talks to herself, 24-7. You may not see it, but in her head she is criticizing herself just as constantly and just as nastily. Smile sympathetically and think of how horrid it would be to live in her head.
I also think this book might help you: http://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Say-That-Me/dp/0471003999/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339518679&sr=1-1&keywords=you+can%27t+say+that+to+me it’s a very practical guide to recognizing and responding to Verbal Abuse. Changed my life.
Do plan ahead with hubby and in-laws (YES! have them come!) some change-to topics that you are all prepared to discuss. It will add a bit of hidden levity when any of you brings one in, and maybe help you see that yes, they also recognize when your Mom is getting off base.
Dysfunction Bingo. One friend had parents so unbelieveably sick that even the phrases they would use to abuse her were predictable. We ginned up bingo cards and tried to memorize them, mentally checking off the sick as it popped up from the swirling metal basket of options. It made the whole thing amusing.
Cook and serve what you want and your hubby and family like. Let your Mom see that everyone else likes this food, and she is the weird one. Or let her smile politely and eat what is put before her like any good guest. Or let her find out that she actually likes your cooking after all.
Do be realistic about the alcohol. Airports are full of it, and they serve a great deal on the plane. Your Mom will most likely be quite nervous about this trip - don’t expect that she won’t have a few on the trip.
Above al, be prepared and willing to kick them out. If she behaves badly, then it’s a crying shame that she would have flown all that way just to make a jerk of herself. Don’t let the long trip guilt you into letting her stay. She proves to you that she can be polite and positive in front of your child or she goes. Make this very clear in advance. Your home, your rules, no exceptions. You decide what is reasonable behavior, and your decision is final. Get by-in from hubby and in-laws in advance that they will support you on this no matter what.
TL:DR Take back your power and show Mommy who’s home this is, and who is parenting this baby.
To me, eight hours with a toxic Mom sounds like an eternity. I think I would do my best to avoid triggers, and if your cooking is going to be an issue, I wouldn’t insist on it. Why set yourself up for failure? Just get through this first visit as smoothly as possible.
I would consider having a very well planned and tightly scheduled day. Parents arrive, coffee and cookies, admire babysmaje and then out the door to somewhere. The zoo, a museum, gardens or even a trip to the mall? Are there any local events happening on the day they are there? Parades, festivals, free concert in the park? Or maybe just a picnic in the park? Bring snacks and sandwiches and if that’s not satisfactory for your parents, then they can grab some fast food.
That should occupy most of the day, then back home for tea and biscuits, or cheese and crackers, and loving goodbyes.
smaje, do what a) makes you comfortable regarding your baby’s well-being, and b) what makes you comfortable regarding your own well-being (to the extent possible). Some more concrete suggestions:
If I were you, I would not leave your parents alone with the baby (and WHO asks to be left alone with a baby anyway?? The fact they’re even asking is… totally weird. My mom volunteers to watch the Little One while I’m working, but that’s different!) – how do you know she won’t send your dad off to get some alcohol and then give your baby another bath while drunk? I mean, if you are completely confident that this won’t happen, and you are absolutely 100% sure your baby will be safe with them, and you are comfortable with that, then cool, but if any of those things does not apply, not only are you WELL within your rights to refuse this offer, but also it is the right thing to do. Honestly, if it were me, even if the bath/alcohol thing weren’t an issue, without WAY more history of them acting like sane reasonable human beings, I’d be extremely reluctant to leave my baby alone with your parents. (My mom had to demonstrate that she could take care of the Little One without screaming at her before I’d leave her alone with her when I went to work.)
On dinner: again, if it makes you more comfortable (and your later post seems to imply that it would, and I agree this would make a lot more sense to let your parents play with the baby while you’re cooking than it would to leave them alone with the baby…) then by all means cook dinner. It’s picking your battles, though – if it would be more of a battle to fight with your mom about this than it would be just to go out already, then I’d say just go out. But if it’s the other way around, then cook.
On in-laws: Another picking your battles. I totally get you about showing your mom what real grandparents do (my in-laws are really lovely). But if it’s going to be more stress than it’s worth, don’t. If it’s going to be less stressful to have them there managing your parents, then do it. I would agree that maybe no more than an hour or two, depending how badly you think your parents will react. If they will actually behave better with a buffer in the way, then hey! go for it!
On boundaries: I think I said this in your other thread, but do make sure there are clear boundaries when your parents come, whatever you think is appropriate, something your mom is capable of following, and something that won’t be too hard on you. When my parents are around, the boundaries are “No direct criticizing of my parenting in front of my child.” Indirect criticism I grit my teeth and bear. Criticism of myself I grit my teeth and (try to) bear (and sometimes I blow up, but I try not to). There is no way she will ever stop criticizing me. But when my mom directly contradicts my parenting – that’s when she gets told “This is not acceptable,” and she gets time out (I take the kid out in the back yard or out for a walk or something until we’ve all calmed down). And she’s mostly learned.
ETA: I like brainstall’s suggestions. Over-scheduling visits is great for visiting parents. Though it sounds like yours are going to want some “relaxed” home time as well. Ha.
I, too, agree, that it’s weird to ask to be left alone with the baby. I figured maybe it was just something that I didn’t know, not being a parent, but I didn’t really think people made a habit of such a thing.
No, it’s not you. “Hey, if you and mrsmaje want to go out for a bit, we’d be happy to stay with babysmaje while you go” is one thing. “We’re flying across the country to visit. Please leave us alone with babysmaje for a bit” is weird.
The more I think about the “Oh, just leave us alone with the baby!” thing, the more it disturbs me, especially combined with the part where you think your mom might be an alcoholic. I really, really worry that getting you and your husband both out of the house is going to be a way to enable your mother to obtain alcohol (which she wouldn’t be able to do if you were around, and she must know that) and play with baby at the same time.
Of course, that being said, it’s your mom, not mine (and my mom doesn’t drink alcohol, so I have no personal experience with this), so, you know, I may be totally off base here. But please think about it, at least.
My advice is:
No alone time with the baby [other than you in the kitchen and everybody else including daddy and the inlaws in the living room with the baby.
No alcohol. If they bring a bottle of wine, thank them graciously and put it away for a special occasion. Nothing says you have to pop that sucker open right then and there. Have a lovely pitcher of a special non alcoholic beverage. Go to foodgawker,com and search for ‘punch’ they have a few that sound amazing, they also have a mojito smoothie [nonalcoholic] that sounds wonderful. You do not need to explain why you are not popping open a bottle of alcohol.
Your food. Your house, you are feeding everybody. Since it is sort of picnic time, not sure if you are in an apartment or house, but can you arrange for a picnic somehow? [perhaps a local park?] Hot dogs, hamburgers, shishkebabs ready for grilling, potato salad, mac salad, tossed salad with lots of crunchies for the top and a couple different bottles of dressing, and a batch of cupcakes/brownies/oatmeal raisin cookies/whatever. If it is literally all packed and ready to go, she can’t argue too much. If you all go in your car, she can’t sneak out for booze too easily. If it is in your back yard, she doesn’t need to sneak out for the booze that isn’t in your house.
And be willing to tell her, or have hubby tell her that she can’t talk like that in your house to anybody and if she doesn’t like it she can leave but your father is welcome to stay. You will be more than willing to call her a cab and send her somewhere she can use language like that. I would have a t shirt with the words you cant talk like that here in the bedroom, and if she starts something and agrees to stop, go put it on. Any time after than if she even sounds like snarking, point at the t and tell her ONE, TWO, THREE and then You are gone now as she racks up the instances.
Actually, it *was *more like “Hey, if you and mrsmaje want to go out for a bit, we’d be happy to stay with babysmaje while you go” than “Leave us alone with your baby!”
I think they were asking because my mom knows there’s tension between me and her, and she wants to hang out with the baby without me there. 
Which is super sad, because I’m a nice person and a good mom and (I used to think) a good daughter.
But the last time I left my parents alone with baby, my mom did give baby a bath while she was intoxicated. I don’t think there’s a chance of that happening again, but I do realize that my mother does not respect *me *as a mom – so if I left her with specific instructions like “Make sure she wears a sweater if you go outside” or “Don’t feed her cold corned beef out of a tin can,” I’m fairly certain my mother would disregard my instructions.
My mother is physically fit and able, but my dad is ill (fighting cancer) and getting on in years, and so I don’t trust that he is in the necessary physical condition to care for a baby (she could outrun him in 3 steps).
That’s why it may be my best best to leave mom and dad and baby to play in the living room while Mr. Smaje and I work on dinner in the kitchen - at least for a while!
Then don’t leave your baby alone with mom and dad.
In one of your last threads I said something to you and now I’m going to say it again. Forget everything that happened to you - even if you have ‘recovered’ and ‘forgiven’ them. None of that is your problem now. What is your problem is protecting your daughter from going through the same things you went through. Your Number 1 priority is this. It’s not making your mother feel better, or patching up the relationship between you and mom - it’s giving your daughter the love and affection and understanding you didn’t have.
You do what you have to for baby smaje. Remember not just yourself but all of the other women like me and the myriad of women on the Dope who wish they had had a better mother and a better childhood. I had two mothers - adoptive and biological, and neither of them were ever “mom”.