This might be a GQ question but I’m asking for advice, so I’m putting it here.
In the last few years, my mom (age 76) has had increasingly bad short-term memory loss. It seems to have manifested itself as being pretty bad from the beginning–unless it progressed to that point before I noticed.
It used to be little stuff, like her asking the same questions over and over. But last night, I went to pick up my dog they were watching while I was away for the holidays, and showed her a picture of a mural I recently completed. After talking to her and my dad, the subject of the mural came back up (maybe 10 minutes later) and she insisted she hadn’t heard about it or seen it, so I again showed her some pictures and she acted as if she’d never seen it before.
Later in the conversation it came up my sister visited Christmas Eve, to which my mother was rather hostile and incredulous. He said “you don’t remember seeing her?” to which she replied angrily “DO YOU THINK I’D BE ASKING IF I DID?”
It’s a delicate subject: My mom gets very upset when you bring it up with her and doesn’t seem to believe it’s a problem.
My dad, who deals with it on a daily basis, gets annoyed by it but kind of passes it off as just part of getting old.
I’m concerned because my mom’s mom died of Alzheimer. Towards the end she didn’t even remember who I was.
I’m also concerned because my mom is still somewhat active, and goes to club meetings and drives places alone.
So, how do I proceed? I’d at least like to have her seen by a doctor so they can make an assessment and see if any of this is treatable.
Obviously it’s going to be a big deal to broach the subject at all, so I want to be well informed and have a good gameplan going in.
A friend of our family had an accident about 10 years ago and can no longer form new memories. You can spend 20 minutes talking to him, get up and go to the bathroom and when you walk back in he’ll think you just got there.
In fact, after the accident he was in the hospital for about a month. When he was released he was angry that none of his friends came to visit him while he was there. He had no memory of a group of 4 or 5 of his close friends spending hours in his room every single day.
Everyone just gets used to it, including him, it’s part of his/their life now. One thing he’s done to adapt, other than having very strict routines, is he can pick up on social cues and knows that he should know something but doesn’t. For example, if you met him one day and talked to him for a while, then a few weeks later bumped into him again, he’ll make small talk and act like he knows who you are until he can figure something out or the conversation is over.
Of course, it does change things that your mom is probably going to get worse over the years, he’s stayed the same. But, in the end, the result is the same, everyone will have to make adjustments and get used to it. People are going to have to tell her the same story over and over without getting frustrated and she’ll come to grips with the fact that she doesn’t remember things from 5 minutes ago.
My MIL was angry about her short term memory loss for a period of about 3 years. She would argue with you about mundane things that we knew happened, and she didn’t believe. It was maddening.
She slipped into the next phase w/o our notice. It took me weeks to realize she was not responding to things the same way. And, of course she ended up not really knowing any of us. The middle phase was pleasant compared to the endless stress and arguing of the beginning of Alzheimers.
Good luck. Try and get her to a Doctor. There are new medicines.
I would definitely have her assessed. It certainly sounds like the beginning of at least some form of senility, and if her mom had Alzheimer’s, it’s most likely it’s that. Not for sure, necessarily, but it’s a good bet.
My sister worked on a geriatric hospital floor for years, and she said the worst thing you could do was “argue” with them that they were wrong to not remember something. Just repeat what you told them before like it’s the first time you told them. Because, for them, it is.
My 86 year old Mom-In-Law has the short term memory of a goldfish. She is very nice, and does accept that she forgets things. Its just part of who she is. We don’t argue with her about it, we just tell her again. I don’t mind telling the same kitty story 17 times in a day, LOL!
If her husband won’t listen to your concerns, I think that probably the only thing you can do is enjoy her, help to be her memory and be patient.
When MIL and I go out, I know what we are hoping to achieve and while I am willing to be sidetracked for a while, I nudge her back onto track and we get everything done.
I bought her a bunch of stenographer’s pads which she scattered around her home and actually does use, as long as I remind her. “No, you didn’t bring that book over, you just promised and got me all excited and then broke my heart! Hey, grab a pad and write it down, while you are at it, write black binding thread down too, I don’t need it yet but I’m getting close.” She always thanks me, writes it down, finds the steno pad again later and eventually the book, thread, whatever does arrive.
I think the fact that your mom is driving places by herself is concerning, OP. Have you ridden with her recently? Does she remember where she is going and that she needs to look both ways at intersections and stop at red lights? I hope her driving isn’t impaired but I think you should try to be sure, for her sake and for the sake of others sharing the roads with her.
I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. It isn’t going to be easy, for anybody.
I was providing support service for somebody close to me who was going through a medical procedure which interfered with short term memory. The rules were what the doctor called “the big three”: no driving, no big decisions (financial, etc), and no cooking. Fortunately, my patient was very compliant, but I think that isn’t always the case. One of the social workers told me to be easy on myself, because if I got frustrated and yelled at the patient, it would soon be like it never happened.
I think you need to get your Mom into a doctor, and probably start removing some of her autonomy. I imagine that will be incredibly difficult. On the bright side, in my experience, you can tell the same funny story over and over again, and it will continue to be a hit.
This- even if she still has the more immediate short term memory generally needed for safe driving, there are scenarios she could find herself in that will put herself and others into danger, particularly if something happens that takes her out of familiar routine (unexpected detours, spontaneous downpours, being honked at, etc, too often lead to people more vulnerable to being disoriented finding themselves going the wrong way down a highway.
I would say a person who is often unable to remember conversation from minutes earlier, should absolutely not be driving. I can imagine how unpleasant and difficult suggesting ,let alone enforcing, that would be, but it really needs to be done, sooner than later
A lot of people with dementia never recognize that they have it because the part of the brain that governs executive functions (such as realizing you’re forgetful) is dysfunctional due to the dementia. This makes things tricky. My BIL was like this. Suggestions:
1)If your dad doesn’t already have one, he should get a Durable Power of Attorney ASAP. This is crucial. Do it now while she’s still of sound enough mind to sign it. Have her do the POA for him so she won’t get resentful/suspicious, but have a secondary person (like you) on there as well. When the time comes for her to go into a care facility, having a POA helps avoid a messy, painful, protracted process.
See an eldercare attorney about this and about planning ahead for care. Unless your parents are fairly wealthy, they won’t be able to afford care without your mom going on Medicaid. The rules of this are fairly complex, and an eldercare attorney can make the whole process much easier. Do this soon.
Try to have a private conversation with your dad so you can plan ahead. At some point, he’s going to need resources like respite care, home health care, etc.
Sometimes other illnesses masquerade as dementia. If your dad can get her in to see her GP, they might be able to get an initial assessment or a referral to a neurologist. Be prepared to lie. “It’s some new Medicare requirement” or “It’s what they recommend for everyone with a family history of neurological disorders–kind of a nuisance, but let’s get it out of the way.”
White lies are easier on her.
Sorry you have to go through this. It’s a cruel disease.
First get her to a neurologist that specializes in cognitive memory issues.
Second, don’t wait until it gets worse. It’s going to get worse so you and your dad should be prepared.
You should seriously consider taking away her car. I have several friends whose parents disappeared and didn’t show up back home. They ultimately were found several states away and in one case driven into a lake. You don’t want to have a crisis happen before you begin taking action.
Also don’t argue with her over what is reality. You will not convince her of what is reality. You will only escalate the situation and make her frustrated along with you and your father.
Also if your family keeps guns in the house I’d remove them. You never know what she will do or react.
Be patient and spend time with her. I’m sure she still has some good days. Those are going to become fewer and fewer.
3rd this. My Grandpa was getting increasing memory loss and very resistant to even considering giving up driving… Until he took a completely wrong turn on the way home and got confused that the road didn’t go like he was expecting, because by that point he was 10 miles away from where he thought he was. He crashed the car by going straight on where the road didn’t, doing an estimated 80 mph+.
Luckily no one else was involved, and he somehow managed to avoid serious injury despite utterly trashing the car, and thankfully he lost his licence (even more thankfully, the authorities were understanding and told him he’d lost it for 5 years rather than permanently; if he thought he’d never get it back, he would quite possibly have bought a new car anyway and driven without a licence, being an ornery old sod. By the time the 5 years were up, he was in a care home).
He was lucky. There’s no guarantee of that. Resort to subterfuge if you have to.
Regarding driving…as my grandmother was nearing the end of her life and at a point where she shouldn’t have been driving, instead of (or maybe in addition to) taking her keys away, they let the air out of her tires. If she tried to drive somewhere, she’d see the flat tires and ask one of her kids to take care of it. They’d ‘agree’ to get it fixed and she’d forget about the conversation the next time she tried to drive, which wasn’t that often to begin with.
With the OP, they may just be able to take her keys since she won’t remember someone taking them, but if need be, letting the air out of the tires or disconnecting the battery makes them direct their anger at the car instead of a family member.
We convinced her to stop driving just over a year ago (due to her Parkinsons), and moved her to a (very local) serviced apartment just a few months ago. Her short-term memory loss is almost certainly due to Parkinsons-related dementia, possibly exacerbated by a number of small strokes.
She just decided to change the rest-care facility package to a more comprehensive one (with the aim of saving money, which is does, sort of) but then complained that she was getting meals and services she didn’t want, which are part of the new package.
It is all incredibly difficult for my wife who is now dealing with her on an almost day-to-day basis, as the rest of her children are more remote. We want my MIL to have some independence and autonomy, and as long as her meds are managed by the caregivers (five times a day for her Parkinsons meds), she is generally OK. But we can no longer allow her to make any more complex decisions on her own.
One of my uncles disconnected the battery in my grandmother’s car when she reached the point of shouldn’t be driving. My sister-in-law told my mother-in-law that SIL’s car was not running and she “borrowed” her mother’s car until she could get it fixed. MIL complained about it for a while, but then it became the new normal and she forgot about it. When my wife was diagnosed, I just drove her everywhere. Before that I had done most of the driving when we went somewhere together so I don’t know if she didn’t notice or didn’t care when I started doing all the driving.
Sorry you are going through this. I’ve been through it and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s easy to get frustrated with someone going through dementia or Alzheimers, but it’s important to remember that she is just a victim of her aging brain.
I would recommend you watch the movie Memento. I saw it years ago, and it made me feel incredible compassion at the struggle those with short term memory issues experience. It’s hell for them and for everyone around them.
Also, your mom is only 76 and could still qualify for Long Term Care insurance -we got my MIL a policy when she was 75, and it sure paid off. She was in the Memory Care ward of a nursing home for the last 8 years of her life, and if we had to pay for it, it would have destroyed our finances.
Yeah I hear ya. When we had to move my MIL out of her home and into assisted living, she was furious. We HAD to move her because she lived alone and twice caught the kitchen on fire by leaving paper near the gas stove that was ON–was also doing peculiar things like putting dirty dishes back in the cupboards, and putting body lotion on her toothbrush to brush her teeth. The situation was also not financially sustainable, because she had squandered away a huge part of her savings on stupid things. And at the rate she was burning through money, we had no choice but to step in.
That was not a fun discussion at all. She was hostile and angry and even accused us of trying to steal her money (she forgot she spent it all). We did end up getting some equity out of her house & got her a long term care policy that contributed a lot to her care. I’d say it took her a couple months to adjust and she continued to express anger at us for disrupting her life. It’s a downer for sure, and it’s becoming more and more common.
My mother went through the same thing in her early 70’s and Alzheimer’s eventually killed her at 75, so be thankful it didn’t happen sooner than it did. Her father (my maternal grandfather) died of Alzheimer’s too but the doctor told me that it’s not hereditary and that about 11% of the population gets some sort of significant senility. Unfortunately, as has been said already, most Alzheimer’s medications only delay things at best… but that may be good enough for the time being.
Also as has been said she needs to be taken to an appropriate specialist for a proper diagnosis. If your dad won’t do it for some reason then volunteer to take her yourself. The doctor will ask her questions like Who is President? and What year is it?. If this is the beginning stage she may be able to answer correctly and they can at least establish a baseline for her. It may turn out not to be Alzheimer’s, and the specialist will be able to determine that.
Please go driving with her and let her drive. Watch carefully how she drives and make a mental note of any mistakes she makes, such as getting lost or running a stop sign. If she is driving safely, great, but if you have any doubts at all about it discuss it with your dad before having a conversation with your mom. Taking away someone’s keys suddenly is not the best way of handling these situations. Fortunately, there is another driver in the house to take over that responsibility if she needs to reduce her driving or quit driving completely. If it’s not time now it will likely be the time within the next 5 years.
Most importantly try not to argue with her or ask her why she can’t remember something. Let her enjoy life as best she can with you knowing that it will likely get worse over time. IOW, cherish the time you have with her now.