How to procede with my mother's severe short-term memory loss

In My Humble Opinion
21

Just to update the thread on the situation I’d like to add some info:

I’m in my late 30s and live about a half-hour away from them. I have a very much older brother (17 years actually) who has divorced himself from the family and isn’t involved. I have an adopted sister who is a few years older and actually does hospice care for a living but she’s got a lot of issues and my mother doesn’t trust or like her. So I am the linchpin against my will in this whole family, and it’s up to me to see that we get together as a family when or if we can at all. It’s all on my shoulders.

My father had a stroke and has vacillating eyes (nystagmus or something it’s called) and knows better than to drive. He also has damaged the part of his brain that establishes balance and as a result is very very unstable walking. He uses a cane and has to often brace himself against a wall. Sometimes he falls and doesn’t realize he is falling until he hits the ground.

…that’s a whooooole other ball of wax.

But the point being up to this point they kind of counter-pointed each other: He’s mentally stable and rock-solid with memory but physically limited; she’s memory unstable but physically able and they kind of work as a unit together.

But I don’t think my mom should be driving places alone anymore. No, I don’t think I can reasonably demand she stop driving whole-hog, but I do think I can establish some rules where he goes, too. But I want to be clear he shouldn’t be driving, either. Having her drive me around and seeing how she does sounds like a really great test.

I also wanted to say tonight we had our Christmas w my niece and nephews and their family and their kids (having a 17-yo older brother means they are grown adults with families of their own).

My youngest nephew came early and talked to my folks about a falling out he’s now had with his father (my brother) which makes 2 out of 3 kids he’s no longer on speaking terms with (again, a whole other ball of wax). My mother retained that information more strongly and even brought it up again to me at the end of the night many hours later and had the details.

So there’s some component where if she is emotionally engaged in the memory, she keeps it a little better. Like, she doesn’t like my sister and doesn’t trust her and really rather her not come around at all, so not remembering she came on Christmas Eve makes sense. I know for a fact she’ll remember the good time she had w the Great-Grandbabies tomorrow.

So there’s at least that.

I don’t know what any of this info does to change things–I am going to have to find a private time to discuss this with my dad and at the very very VERY least she needs to have a doctor in the loop with all this and see what we can do, because if any of it is treatable and we are just too afraid to move on it, we’re the assholes.

22

Do you have health care power of attorney? It took us a while to figure out what was going on with my MIL, because she saw the doc alone and either forgot, misunderstood, or was BSing us on what the doctor had said. When we finally got the HC POA and I could talk to the doc directly, it was clear to both of us that she needed to go to assisted living, for both financial and safety reasons. In our case, the Dr was great and he took the lead in telling MIL that living in her own home was not sustainable. He was not emotional, nor condescending, but matter of fact and somehow she agreed.

And OP, I actually think it is better that you are the only one who has to deal. Because in my MIL’s case, she had 3 kids and there was very little anyone could agree on. It resulted in fights, resentment, bitterness, and allegations of “You don’t care about Mom!!”. Would have been way smoother if just one of them was calling the shots. The emotional drain of it all just causes all sorts of irrational behavior.

23

What, exactly, happens at these “Memory Care” facilities?

24

I could swear I responded to this earlier, but my post is MIA.

Anyway, Memory Care is usually a unit in a Long Term Care/Assisted Living facility that caters to the needs of residents with Alzheimers, dementia or other types of memory problems. A few difference in the Memory Care Unit:

-the physical layout is designed to minimize “getting lost in the facility”
-it is enclosed and monitored,meaning that the residents can’t wander out of the facility
-the ratio of staff to residents is much higher
-there are no kitchens in their units
-the care is customized to each individual–e.g in my MIL’s bathroom, there was a laminated sign taped to the mirror stating (among other things) “Put A on B and brush teeth”. Her toothpaste tube had a big A on it, and her toothbrush had a B on it (she had a history of putting lotion, shaving cream, etc on her toothbrush).
-it is also way Way WAY more expensive that standard assisted living…but worth every penny.

25

My mother has the same thing. A month or so ago, I stayed with her over the weekend because my dad was out of town, and she needed someone there. Our conversations would go something like this:

“What would you like for dinner?”
“There’s leftover X, and Y, or we can go to the new place up the road.”
“A new place? Have you ever been there?”
“No, but it looks good.”
“Okay. Will [wife] be joining us?”
“No. She’s not feeling so hot.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. I really love her. So what would you like for dinner?”
“There’s leftover X, and Y, or we can go to the new place up the road.”
“A new place? Have you ever been there?”
“No, but it looks good.”
“Okay. Will [wife] be joining us?”

rinse. repeat.

It’s frustrating on a social level, depressing as hell on an emotional one. She’s not allowed to cook anymore, which was one of her favorite things to do. On top of that she’s blind. I had seen her short-term memory slipping for several years, and by the time my father acknowledged it, nothing could be done. After nearly a year, Dad finally got her in to see a neurologist who told her that it’s not Alzheimer’s, but a side effect of having extremely high blood sugar for an extended period of time.

If possible, try to get your dad to recognize and acknowledge what’s going on. He can get her seen and evaluated, and hopefully something can be done to help. I told my Dad to forestall any argument with, “Honey, you agreed to this.” (even if she hadn’t. I don’t condone lying, but it gets her to go along with what’s needed). You have my sympathy, and best of luck.

26

Excellent advice on the POA.

If mom quibbles, draw one up for dad and list her (and you) as having POA for him. Dad can present it to her as “see, this is what responsible couples do FOR EACH OTHER”.

You don’t need a lawyer for that - a number of states have fillable PDFs online, and a form done for one state is valid in all the others.

27

My thought is that one major goal is helping your mom get past whatever emotion is making her not want to accept that she has memory problems. Obviously if you can narrow down her actual issue, that would help; maybe she thinks a memory problem is more shameful than a balance problem, or more scary and hard to accept, or whatever. But I’d start talking about other people with memory issues (so she knows it’s not unusual) and how mental issues are just like physical issues and whatever else you can do so she’s ready to accept it. If she can accept it, everything gets much easier.

28

Yesterday my wife experienced an episode of Transient Global Amnesia. Totally weird and scary, but short-lived and essentially benign - other than that she is completely missing about 4 hours. But for that 4 hr period, she was in an endless loop, lacking memories, and incapable of forming new memories. Went to the ER, and she is scheduled to be released today. Whew!

Her mom had dementia for several years before she died.

Long story short, when I was at the hospital this a.m., my wife said that is she ever got like that again and it was permanent, she’d want me to help her kill herself. I feel the same for myself. Just our data points at a time that we are still in control of our facilities.